Published December 13, 2010
Contrast light when darkness falls.
The sun rest upon the sea,
Hills alive upon lights true desire,
Darken rays falls upon the sun creating an eclipse.
The stars twinkle but not glitter.
As if the world waits for something,
The sun will come and start the day but will not end it.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
GOTTA LOVE THIS POEM.. THE TITLE FITS PERFECTLY WITH THE WORDS BEING USED
Amazing...thats all I'm going to say!
A couple points I'd like to address: Imagery (word choice), foundations (theme), sentence structure/punctuation/grammar.
1) Imagery
First off, you're on your way in terms of imagery. I do see what you're trying to convey, here, though in all honesty your descriptions don't strike me as anything special. For example, "the sun rests upon the sea".... so what? It's a great image, but your lack of detail really takes away from what the reader can pull from that line. Perhaps in your head, you see waves crashing and weeds washed up on the shore, and everything reflects the color of the sunset. We don't know that - not unless you say it, I mean. I suggest elaborating a bit more on your imagery; give us the good stuff! Don't just assume that we'll pull this beautiful image in our heads on our own... you need to show us what's in your head, first. Detail and all. Word choice is a great place to start. Try using more words that are specific to what you're trying to get the reader to see or feel.
2) Foundations
This poem doesn't exactly have what you'd call a firm foundation. The majority of the poem consists of simple imagery, and it's not until the last two lines that you introduce some sort of significance. Even then, I'm not entirely sure what that significance is, exactly. I suggest trying to relate this all to one common theme, and make that theme clear to the reader (but keep it subtle, all the same). You may even want to consider giving the poem a bit more length, that way you can have more to build and expand on.
3) Sentence structure/punctuation/grammar
There are some places in this piece where I don't know where sentences begin or where they end. There are also some places where punctuation is incorrect and words are written in their wrong form. Now, if it were the case where these mistakes were a rarity in the piece, I wouldn't be addressing this. However, they appear quite frequently, so you may want to rework your lines so that they follow the rules a little more. Given a poem where the speaker is in distress or is going through a rough time, rules don't apply for the sake of the overall atmosphere of a piece. But considering this piece doesn't have some extreme theme to it and is quite small... I highly recommend making sure your punctuation is correct, along with your grammar.
Despite the length, I'm in a bit of a hurry and gave you a speedy review. That been said, I apologize for any mistakes I may have made. I figure my point will get across just fine, regardless. Anyway - great work, keep it up! If you have any questions about the review/editing your poem, feel free to ask on my wall or in a private message.
-Ear
What is this lyric poem about? I like it, though.
The edits I have are done, so I can just talk about what I liked about it! I loved the flow of it, and the very interesting concept of light and dark, or in this case, day and night. It was a bit confusing, the questions are in the other reviews, so you will need to clear that up, but other than that, I enjoyed it. I liked how it was short and concise, and not too lengthy. Good job!!!
Dang!! This is some heavy stuff. Definetly confusing, but still intreaging.
Confusing, but good. Nice Job!
-thestorygirl
Light and dark....
I always love poems about light and dark and let me say, you're poem was no exception! Well done! Short, but meaningful. Very good flow, it had a nice feel, like the true meaning of this poem was hidden and you had to dig in and find it in order to truly understand. No one will ever understand your poems fully but there will be some who will come close. I write a lot of hidden-meaning poems myself (only mine are incredibly long and some people get on my case about that) and I love to see reader's reactions (or more so read them).
I love the description of the sun and stars in this poem. Brilliant.
I adore this! It's truly a great poem. Well done and a pat on the back to you! High five!
Keep writing (forever).
Good. Needs a bit of work though. Maybe check out my poems for ideas. You might learn something. You need to use descriptive words and deep meaning. Get people to know what this is going through and feel like it is truly happening to them. Let them speak your poems and feel it though thier hearts. Use deep emotions. It works magic. Maybe some drama as well!
nice playing with words, though i am confused to what it wants to convey.
just keep posting.. keep that your poetic side alive..
You have done a great job here creating a piece that reflects that the dark does not want to be what it is. I understand that this is slightly confusing but in my mind it makes sense. To put it otherwise I liked it.
I can't really think of anything to say on this; it's short, okay, but it's just fantastic
Xxxx
The title of your poem really drew me to this; I was curious of you contrasting two totally different things. And light and darkness are so different in so many different ways.
So I think you did a real good job
I especially liked that part about creating an eclipse. You described it well.
So... Yay!
right this seems a bit short but that can never hold back a good writer, i like the context but you just need to add more describing words to it so that it can grasp the reader and pull the in, i like mode the how this feels like a darkened but lightish poem thing
just watch the grammar and spellings i usually slip up sometime but you know, and all so try and add like how this would make you feel and the description it would be on you as the writer.
I like the subject matter for this poem, and I was going to throw in a few edits but it seems as though shiney1 already beat me to it! I feel as though this poem could do much better if it were longer, and also if you used a more varied vocabulary. In my opinion the word 'sun' was used too often. But keep up the good writing, looking forward to seeing more of it in the future.
I like the subject of light and dark without the Gothic-theme, which is used tiresomely these days, so thumbs up for that. As stated above, maybe a little, tiny bit more? But I get the poem for the most part.
Great poem!
I like how this starts. Perhaps you could add a little more to it though? It's short, but maybe that's how you want it to be. Maybe in order to make it longer you could delve more into the opposite comparing & contrasting you had going on.