Unthinkable chap 1

I ran down the streets in my school uniform consisting of; a white blouse, red tie, red plaid skirt that goes down to my knees, black stockings, nee high black uggs, and a black drench coat. See the thing is, I woke up late due to my dumb brother turning off my alarm and now I’m 20 minutes late for school.

I just turned the corner and reached the school, I ran up the steps stumbling a couple of times, and flew the doors open. I ran to my locker and got my things for second period, because lets face it I’m way too late to go to first.

As I was walking down the hall I saw a shadow go by with purple streaks, I stepped closer to where I saw it, but there was nothing there besides an old garbage can and a set of lockers.

“hmm, I must be seeing things” I mumbled non coherently. Just then the second bell rang, so I started to head to class.

“Lily!” Someone called out. I turned around to be face-to-face with Leighton Conaway, my personal stalker. I’m not joking either where ever I am he shows up, it’s very creepy he acts like a leech, he sticks to me and won’t let me go even if that’s all I want him to do. Leighton is tall compared to my 5’6 he’s around 6’2 maybe 6’3, anyways he’s pretty lanky with brown shaggy hair that always falls in his face, and brown eyes. He reminds me to much of my brother for my taste, but he isn’t half bad either.

“Hey what’s up Leighton” I asked as politely as I could as I inched closer to my class and walking ever so slightly faster.

“Why weren’t you in first period? Are you sick? Should you call home? Should I bring you to the nurse?” He asked worriedly looking at me for any signs of sickness.

“I’m fine Leighton really I just woke up late because of my brother, really let’s just go to class ok?”

“Ok fine but at lunch I’ll check up on you just to make sure. Bye!” He said while running off. I shook my head while giggling, I mean really that boy is so dense I right out and told him I didn’t like him as politely as I could one time and he still tries. He said the reason I said no was because he felt I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and in truth I wasn’t. I’ve never been in one but I’m content that way, not having to worry if your boyfriend is cheating and what not.

I sat down at my desk that was in the middle of the class and doodled on my note book, while the students started pouring in. I smiled as I saw one of my closest friends come in a sit next to me.

“Hey, Caitlin! How was your weekend?” Caitlin Blunte is one of my best friends she’s quiet short, has light almost dirty blown, brown hair, and green eyes.

“Well Lily if Trevor hasn’t told you yet, I broke up with him and saw my cousins.” She said sadly looking down at her lap.

“Caitlin, who cares about your cousins, why did you brake up with him if you’re so sad?” Caitlin looked up at me with puffy eyes, as if she was trying not to cry, sniffled then looked at the teacher who was coming in.

While are teacher was talking about the great depression I saw a little folded piece of paper next to my book, I unfolded it and scribbled on it was:

Well on Saturday Trevor called me over to chill, so I was like sure ok I’ll be there in 10 min. Once I got there I heard funny noises coming from the living room and saw him kissing Amanda Davis! I ran home and haven’t talked to him since. I’m to upset…

I looked at her from the corner of my eyes and saw her twitching as if she was trying to pull herself together. I wrote back solemnly;

I’m so sorry Caitlin he’s an idiot to do that and with Amanda! I mean really she’s so caddy. It’s his lost C. Always remember your friends are here for you…. Oh and by the way John is starring at you! And I know you had a little crush on him in the beginning of the year! Love you, L

p.s: we’ll have a movie night tonight to make you feel better at my house!

I passed it to her. I watched her read it as she scowled, smiled, blushed, and then giggled. She turned around at waved at John, he ducked his head. I giggled and turned around to try and pay attention to the rest of class.

After class, Caitlin and I met up with Alexa Johnson (are other best friend) and told her what happened and are plans for tonight.

“I’m seriously going to kill him! Why would he do that? He’s so stupid! Don’t try and stop me I’m going to go kick his ass!” Alexa roared, she was pissed, in the way that if you walked up to one of us right now she would probably punch you, but that’s why we love her. Alexa is very protective of her friends and she can be very intimidating unless you really know her. She’s tall has black hair and hazel eyes.

“I’ll help!” I yelled giddy that I would be able to get to yell at Trevor for what he did to poor innocent Caitlin.

“Guys! I’ll handle this myself you don’t think I’m pissed? Hell all I want to do is punch him square in the nose, but we have to think of a more rational way to handle this make him squirm, make him wish he never even laid eyes on Amanda.”

“Yay! Operation squirms ready to go; now all we need is code names, camouflage outfits, and a plan!” Alexa yelled with a glint in her eye and a very mischievous smile on her face.

“Ok we’ll probably need code names and a plan but what are the outfits for?” I asked curiously raising my eyebrows.

“Well the thing is we don’t really need them I just always wanted to have an entire camouflage outfit. I mean how cool would it be? We’ll be like Charlie angels but with better clothes!”

We all laughed at Alexas sanity and the fact that Alexa was serious, which kind of freaks me out a bit.

After recess it was time for French then Math. Great my 2 worse subjects right after each other. While I was walking to class I didn’t spot Leighton which was unusual, but just as I thought that he appeared. I seriously have to get some type of restraining order on this boy.

“Hey lil’L what’s up?” he asks while taking my books. I was twitching so hard at what he just called me. I mean lil’L I’m Lily L-I- L-Y he needs to get it through his head.

“Are you ok lil’L you seem like your about to burst. I knew you were sick but no Mrs. stubborn over hear had to stay in school. I’ll take you right now to the nurses so you can call home.”

“lil’L are you there?”

“Oh ya sorry just spaced out a little. No Leighton I appreciate your help and all but I’m fine just a little tired. Oh and would you be able to call me Lily? I don’t really like the nickname all that much.”

“Sure Lily, I’ll see you at lunch!” He said insignificantly, but his eyes gleamed as if he found out the most precious secret instead of just a name dislike. I rolled my eyes.

“Sure Leighton see you soon, have fun in class”. With that said he ran off.

French class wasn’t too bad; all we had to do was write a composition on either going to the past or future. I also listen to orals on inventions they picked, Elisa a girl in my class and I did ours on the alphabet.

Once I got to Math class with only a hello from Leighton, we had an algebra test and let me tell you are teacher is not easy. Mr.Hewit doesn’t let us have aids, he threatens us, and he’s made about 12 people cry. I finished about ¾ of the class so I had about 15 minutes to think, what should we do during this sleep over? Hmm……. Oh I know! Truth or dare that always makes us laugh.

I rushed out of class as soon as the bell rang, and hurried to the cafeteria for lunch. While walking through the lunch crowd to get to the lunch line I thought I saw the shadow again with the purple streaks. I stared at it in awe as it basically vanished once I saw it, but confused as to know what exactly was it?

“Did any of you see that shadow over there?” I questioned hoping they saw it too and not just because I’m going crazy.

“No why?” Jenna said curiously.

I furrowed my eyebrows in concentration trying to figure out what exactly have I been seeing all day?

“Hmm I probably just saw something.”

I picked up a chocolate chip cookie a water bottle and some chicken noodle soup and headed for are table.

“So I was thinking in math class that we could play some truth or dare later once we get to my house sounds fun? Maybe rent a movie later too?”

“Sure that sounds fun, but do we come over right after school on your bus or do we go home first?” Caitlin questioned as both girls turned to look at me for the answer.

“I think you guys should probably just come to my house.”

“Ok sounds great! Can you believe that this is the last day of school before Christmas break? I wonder if Elisa is going to have another Christmas party there so much fun!” Alexa chirped while popping a salt and vinegar chip in her mouth.

“So Lily how was the math test?” Caitlin asked.

I groaned I hate math with an undying passion. “It was ok, it was as great as algebra can get, so it was tolerable.”

After that it was fairly quiet lunch, we chatted a bit more about anything and everything with a few grunts or yelps from when we brunt are tongues and laughs when we saw are expressions to those yelps.

“Hey baby! How are you hun?” We heard a voice floating to our table. We turned around and saw the devil himself, Trevor. He came and sat beside Caitlin and planted a kiss on her cheek. While the whole thing was going on Caitlin was too stunned to push him off or say anything and Alexa was gritting her teeth with utter annoyance.

“Why are you talking to me?” Caitlin was able to squeak out but you could see her underlying sadness and anger as she spoke.

“What do you mean; why am I talking to you? I’m your boyfriend aren’t I aloud to talk to you?” He asked quiet stunned. Wow this boy was dense if he couldn’t see that she was mad right now.

“I mean why are you talking to your ex-girlfriend”. She sneered through clenched teeth. Trevor was going to get a mouth full from her, and the best part is that he has no clue what’s so ever.

“Ex-girlfriend what do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?” He asked quiet stunned by her boldness. The thing is Caitlin is a very quiet girl most of the time but when she lets loose it’s hilarious. Wait I have to keep listening.

“Trevor wow, even Leighton would probably understand. Yes! I’m breaking up with you and your cheating ass!” She yelled. The whole lunch room was watching now seeing the couple fight. I giggled at the Leighton comment, because frankly I don’t think he would understand.

“Caitlin how dare you call me a cheater! I never did such a thing!”

“Hmm sure you didn’t that’s why I go to your house and see you and Amanda Davis making out in your living room!” With that we stood up and followed Caitlin out of the cafeteria. I looked backed and saw a stunned and guilty Trevor walk over to Amanda while people were giving him dirty looks. Serves him right to go and do that to someone.

“Wow Caitlin that was amazing I think he may have pied himself he was so scared”

“That was awesome I mean you could have also hit him but still that was so cool to see you two go at it.” We both said while we gave her a hug. As we started to pull back I felt her crying on my shoulder. I murmured soothing words in her ear and rubbed her back telling her it was ok to cry.

“Why w-w-would h-he do t-th-at am I th-a-a-t ba-d-d at b-e-ing a g-g-o-od girlf-r-ie-nd?” Caitlin sobbed on me shoulder. I will kill him later I will go to his house and slowly torment him for what he did. This girl is sobbing because she thinks she was the one that was being bad.

“Caitlin its ok he was a dumb insensitive jerk, you did nothing wrong sweetie, you were a great girlfriend and he was lucky you even looked at him twice. Don’t let him get you down your so much better then him. Sweetie it’ll be ok I promise. How about we head back to class?”

“o-o-k-k” Caitlin murmured quietly as her sobs subsided.

We headed to our final class since it was a half day I got to finish the day with science my second favorite subject. Once I got to class with the help of Leighton, the teacher Mrs. Blue told us we had a free period to sit and chat.

“So Lily what do you have planned for the holidays? Seeing anyone?’’ Paul a boy in my class asked curiously. I looked around and spotted Leighton ease dropping two desk behind me.

“Umm I’m spending a couple of days with my family, and spending a couple of days with Caitlin and Alexa.” Hopefully he’ll get the message that I don’t intend on ‘seeing anyone’ as he puts it.

“Cool, well I wanted to let you know I’m having a party this Saturday, and it’s going to be killer. My cousin is going to bring me a keg so we’re all set.”

“Thanks for the invite Paul but I don’t drink. I’m sorry. Hope you have a great holiday though!” With that said the bell rang indicating my freedom, and before Paul could guilt me into coming.

I rushed down the halls only tripping on three steps this time and bumping into 2 people, my new personal record. As I got to my locker I saw the shadow again but this time it was more prominent, so I was able to see the outline. The purple thing was small and had purple streaks and brown eyes. I shuddered, and looked back only to see an empty space where the purple thing stood just a moment ago.

I turned around and opened my locker, trying to distract myself from these weird encounters, which have been going on. I grabbed my bag and stuffed the books I would need to study with for the next 2 weeks. Once I pushed every thing in, I grabbed my trench coat and headed to Caitlin’s locker.

I met up with them half way between are two lockers, she was already with Alexa.

“You guys ready to go?” I asked while trying to put on my coat. It’s quiet hard to do; when you’re carrying a bag that weighs 30 pounds.

“Lily you do realize that at least 10 people are starring at you? And what are you doing? You look like a dog chasing their tail.” Alexa smirked and started laughing. By the time I finally managed to put my arm through the sleeve of my coat, Caitlin and Alexa were leaning against each other laughing with tears pouring out of there eyes. I scowled at them and continued to walk.

We headed for mine and Caitlin’s bus, we take the same one. The ride home was bearable very loud because of the upper classmen blasting there music and talking as if their friends were across the room instead of right next to them.

When the bus stopped we hoped off and walked the merrily 5 blocks to my house.

We ran up to my room after a brief hello to my mom Cassandra, and my dog Rufus. My room is on the second floor right across from Dylan my annoying little brother. It’s enough room for me which isn’t that much. The walls are painted a light pink from when I was 3, the floors are a wooden maple, and on that floor you’ll find by double bed dresser and a desk which has my computer. Yup my room is boring, but I love it.

We plopped on my bed and started are homework so we wouldn’t have any during the break.

“I had an epiphany!” Alexa hollered at the top of her lungs. Boy that girl can scream.

“And what would that be?” I asked slightly bored at the moment.

“Boys are stupid!” We giggled at her statement 1) because how random it was 2) because it’s so like Alexa to say something absurd like that.

“Haven’t you heard the saying: Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped?” Caitlin asked wiggling her eyebrows. We pretty much pied are selves laughing after hearing this.

“Ok, Ok how about this one; what are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?” I asked raising my eyebrows while trying to keep a straight face.

“No what?” They asked with confused expressions plastered on their faces. I giggled.

“Hold my purse!” With that we were in another round of hysterias.

By the time we were done giggling and doing are homework it was 3:30, so it still gave us enough time to head to the mall to get are last minute Christmas presents. We packed up are school stuff and grabbed are purses and coats and headed out the door.

It took us about 10 minutes to get to the bus stop but once we did boy was I surprised. Standing there on the other side of the street was a man about my dads’ age so late forties. Except the only difference relative to the two was that the man standing there was translucent, and stared at me with piercing brown eyes that searched my soul. I blinked, and he was gone. I started looking every where for him but I saw nothing, a chill ran up my spine and no not because of the weather either. That was the scariest most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Hopefully it doesn’t happen anytime soon though, I’m astonished that it even did happen.

“Did you guys see him?” I squeaked out still stunned.

“Who are you talking about Lily?” Caitlin asked rummaging through her purse for change. The scary thing about that was we were both starring in that direction when the man was there.

“Oh, a-a ne-v-v-er mind” I said shakily. Ok, so the guy wasn’t real I kept repeating to myself thinking that maybe it might have not been real. Except deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew I would be lying to myself that man/thing was there. I don’t have a big enough imagination to just think someone up like that.

“Are you ok Lily? Maybe Leighton was right and you are sick?” Alexa remarked while texting god knows who. That girl has a million contacts on that thing.

“Yah I’m fine just cold.” I tried to lie, but let’s face it I couldn’t lie for my life. They both knew, but dropped it, seeing as I wouldn’t say anything. I ducked my head and pretended to rummage for money in my purse, so they couldn’t see my facial expression.

The bus came 3 minutes later. Thank god. I wanted to get away from whatever that was. But I realized as I got on the bus, we should have walked. The bus was packed I ended up standing/tripping most of the ride because the stop after us an old lady came on so I gave my seat to her.

We arrived at the mall in 15 minutes and not a minute to late, the bus was packed I hurt at least 4 people when I tripped. The people on the bus learnt to stay as far away from me as possible pretty early. I wish I could say the same about Leighton. I think I broke his nose once, by accident.

We ran off the bus and headed straight to the stores we knew what we were looking for. In 1 hour we managed to get are parents and siblings their gifts. I got my mom a spa kit, my dad a new watch, and for my brother I got him a new fighting game for the new Wii he was going to get.

We left the mall but as we went to wait in line for the bus we realized we just missed it, so we headed toward are favorite book store. We looked through the isles and laughed when we saw, what was the most popular book, because all three of us were obsessed with it too. We picked out a couple of books, I chose 2 on vampires. I’ve always been strangely addicted to them ever since I was young. Alexa got one of those caddy girlie books, which every girl seems to read, while Caitlin didn’t seem interested in what they had. We headed for the check out counter, but turned around as soon as we saw how long the line was.

Before leaving we buzzed up stairs to all that is holy; Starbucks coffee.

“Lily why are you so obsessed with this bitter black liquid, that doesn’t deserve a name, because it’s so gross?” Caitlin asked smelling the air with great discomfort. I started to jump slightly but scowled at her because of what she said.

“Caitlin my friend, you will soon learn that without coffee no grown person would function properly. Therefore coffee keeps the world going round. If the world didn’t have coffee then it will loose it’s energy and stop turning, then we’ll all dye, so you see coffee keeps this world and all in inhabitants alive”. I said with a giggle as I walked up to the cash register and ordered my mocha frappe chino.

“Wow Lily you’re addicted but I still love you my fine little caffeinated friend. I shall call you the coffee queen.” She looked at me shook her head and mumbled “You’re already drugged by it and you haven’t even taken a sip yet”. I laughed at the expression she gave me.

I grabbed my only lover that is my coffee, and walked instantaneously over to a booth and plop down on the comfy seat.

“Caitlin you will soon learn coffee isn’t a drug, it’s a vitamin” I squeaked tempestuously, wow this coffee is making me jumpy.

“I’ll drink coffee when hell freezes over” she mumbled in a monologue tone.

“Then hurry up so we can bring snow down there!” Alexa and I screeched. We looked at each other and burst into uncontrollable giggles.

Soon after we were able to finish are coffees and hot chocolate, and left the store. The cold crisp December air hit us like a tone of bricks and I started to shiver. We started to pick up are pace since it started to snow. As a car was turning the corner toward us, clumsy me, I fell flat on my butt as the car came to a stop next to me. The driver so graciously waited till I was upright and walking again before they took off down the road.

We looked down the street and saw that the bus we were supposed to take just left so we stopped by Jill’s café it’s owned by are friend Jessica’s mom. We slipped through the door and was welcomed by the aroma of coffee and don nuts. While Caitlin chatted with Jill about the weather and the holidays, Alexa and I slipped away and headed towards the washrooms. Once we got there we realized their was only one washroom available.

I turned around and saw a little old man with one leg try to open the door and started to fall. I rushed over before he could hit the floor.

“Are you ok sir?” I asked concerned, I mean really a guy his age should always go out with someone in case something like this ever happened but he wasn’t as fortunate.

“Yes, thank you dear, just slipped.” The man smiled softly and opened the door and slid in there. Once he straddled away Alexa and I took are turns and basically dragged Caitlin away from Jill, so we wouldn’t miss are bus.

We finally got to the bus time and we got here 2 minutes early so we wouldn’t miss it for the 3 time today. As we wait I spotted a man and a woman both wearing black coat and hoods so I couldn’t see there faces, but their bodies were angled towards us. The bus finally came and we scurried on to get away from the bitter cold. We were sitting in the back and I soon realized the two hooded figures came on are bus and sat across from us. I started to squirm in my seat feeling highly uncomfortable. Throughout the ride I felt there stares bore into my side; as if I was a magnet and they were connect to my pull. I glance up at them through my hair, as soon as I started to turn though they looked away. Once I did that they stopped starring, but I could tell how the were concentrating on my every action as if they were judging me. I was livid by the time we got off the bus, all I wanted to do was pull off their hoods and yell how it’s impolite to stare.

“Did you see those two? And how they kept starring I felt like I was on display”. I screeched as we turned the corner onto my street.

“Which two?” Alexa asked concerned but I don’t know why.

“The ones that were sitting across from us, you know the ones that were wearing the two hoods.” I grumbled as I fetched my key from my purse.

“Uh, Lily there wasn’t anyone sitting across from us.” Caitlin stated with confusion etched on her face. I paled. There was no one there, but I saw them, they saw me. I stared into space as horror started to creep its way into my mind. What exactly did I see? I stumbled in a daze into my bedroom and lay on my bed. As I gazed up at my ceiling I started to shake. What exactly is going on with me? More importantly why is it happening?

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joshuapaul
Review

Hey just a quick critique hope im not too harsh!

sarahelizabeth wrote:I ran down the streets in my school uniform consisting of; a white blouse, red tie, red plaid skirt that goes down to my knees, black stockings, nee high black uggs, and a black drench coat.


What a boring way to start! this is your breakthrough novel and that is the first line? try something like ' My heart pounded as I sprinted. I wasn't far away but I was already 20 minutes late.' It's not great but atleast it is more of a hook with some action and the reader may then wonder 'why is she running? whats she late for' your original opening line gives the reader nothing but a drab description of her outfit.

SeeThe thing is, I woke up late due to my dumb brother turning off my alarm and now I’m 20 minuteslate for school.


See what I did? I tightened this sentence up a little by removing unnesasary words.

I just turned the corner and reached the school, I ran up the steps stumbling a couple of times, and flew (threw?) the doors open. I ran to my locker and got my things for second period, because lets face it I’m was way too late to go to first.


Change in tense here, hence the add in 'was'.

“hmm, I must be seeing things” I mumbled non coherently. Just then the second bell rang, so I started to head to class.


we know what a mumble is you don't need to remind us it she spoke 'non coherently.'

“Lily!” Someone called out. I turned around to be face-to-face with Leighton Conaway, my personal stalker. I’m not joking either where ever I am he shows up, it’s very creepy he acts like a leech, he sticks to me and won’t let me go even if that’s all I want him to do. Leighton is tall compared to my 5’6 he’s around 6’2 maybe 6’3, anyways he’s pretty lanky with brown shaggy hair that always falls in his face, and brown eyes. He reminds me to much of my brother for my taste, but he isn’t half bad either.
“Hey what’s up Leighton” I asked as politely as I could as I inched closer to my class and walking ever so slightly faster.
“Why weren’t you in first period? Are you sick? Should you call home? Should I bring you to the nurse?” He asked worriedly looking at me for any signs of sickness.
“I’m fine Leighton really I just woke up late because of my brother, really let’s just go to class ok?”
“Ok fine but at lunch I’ll check up on you just to make sure. Bye!” He said while running off. I shook my head while giggling, I mean really that boy is so dense I right out and told him I didn’t like him as politely as I could one time and he still tries. He said the reason I said no was because he felt I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and in truth I wasn’t. I’ve never been in one but I’m content that way, not having to worry if your boyfriend is cheating and what not.
I sat down at my desk that was in the middle of the class and doodled on my note book, while the students started pouring in. I smiled as I saw one of my closest friends come in a sit next to me.
“Hey, Caitlin! How was your weekend?” Caitlin Blunte is one of my best friends she’s quiet short, has light almost dirty blown, brown hair, and green eyes.
“Well Lily if Trevor hasn’t told you yet, I broke up with him and saw my cousins.” She said sadly looking down at her lap.
“Caitlin, who cares about your cousins, why did you brake up with him if you’re so sad?” Caitlin looked up at me with puffy eyes, as if she was trying not to cry, sniffled then looked at the teacher who was coming in.
While are teacher was talking about the great depression I saw a little folded piece of paper next to my book, I unfolded it and scribbled on it was:
Well on Saturday Trevor called me over to chill, so I was like sure ok I’ll be there in 10 min. Once I got there I heard funny noises coming from the living room and saw him kissing Amanda Davis! I ran home and haven’t talked to him since. I’m to upset…
I looked at her from the corner of my eyes and saw her twitching as if she was trying to pull herself together. I wrote back solemnly;
I’m so sorry Caitlin he’s an idiot to do that and with Amanda! I mean really she’s so caddy. It’s his lost C. Always remember your friends are here for you…. Oh and by the way John is starring at you! And I know you had a little crush on him in the beginning of the year! Love you, L
p.s: we’ll have a movie night tonight to make you feel better at my house!
I passed it to her. I watched her read it as she scowled, smiled, blushed, and then giggled. She turned around at waved at John, he ducked his head. I giggled and turned around to try and pay attention to the rest of class.


"Kill your babies," I think it was Hemmingway who coined the expression, in any case it applies here. This enter quoted segment is irrelevant and quite frankly waffle. It's written well, better than the rest of the story so far and perhaps that is why you left it in but it simply bores the reader. Scrap it or tighten it up and make it a little more relevent. What is explained can be explained in only a few words not 5 or6 paragraphs.

" Class was a bore but my heartbroken best friend approached me with teary eyes. I promised to watch a movie with her to cheer her up after being dmped and humiliated by her boyfriend."

This seems to roll on until the end of the chapter. I'm not going to nitpick because it is far too long for that I am going to give you a few tips however.
- 'quiet'is when something is not loud, 'quite' is when something is moderate. You confuse these words alot.
- bring on action. Find where the action begins and start the story there, back story can be entwined later.
-make every bit count, make it relevent, too many pointless observations a the moment.I guess what I am saying is tighten it up.
- The characters a great, leave them.
- try to avoid little distracting inconsistencies, make sue all your characters act in a way that is natural and fitting with their personality.
- Avoid Cliches
- Try to hookthe reader more, see 'bring on action' but also use more emotive language and show a little more.

any way hope this all helps, take it in if you agree if you not disgard it, remember it is all only my opinion. Good luck!

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wonderingkate
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Bonjour! I did not read this..I am commenting to tell you that you need to keep your pieces under a 1000 words if you want reviews. Most people don't have time read long stories. Shorten this, and you will get reviews. :D



"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."
— Albus Dumbledore