Damn This Twisted Heart of Mine!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Alright, well a powerful little opening scene. You capture a very sad situation in a rather powerful light and I think it does make for a really interesting scene here. It certainly captured my attention very well here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Raina stood in the Waiting Room of the local hospital as she saw the doctors approach her. They were still in their surgical scrubs, appearing exhausted yet determined. With every step they took closer to her, her tiny body trembled ever more. One, a tall African-American woman, looked down at Raina, a concerned look on her rounded face.

"How is my Mom?" Raina demanded. She was glad her voice didn't shake, unlike her knees.

"Have you been waiting here alone?" asked the African-American woman. Raina noticed the pin on the doctor's lab coat. It read: Dr. Malone, Reg. Surgeon.

"Sweetie --" Dr. Malone started, extending her arm as though to wrap it around Raina's shoulders.

Jerking away, Raina interrupted, close to tears. "Dr. Malone, I need to know about my Mom!" Shaking heavily now, it took all of Raina's self control to not collapse. Instead she focused on remaining strong, focused.

Dr. Malone, looking thoroughly worried now, managed to sit Raina down and attempted to explain, using a lot of long medical terms that Raina really didn't understand. A couple of times she asked for clarification, but it was no use. Nothing was going to make sense, how could it? Just ten hours earlier she had been returning home from school to find her mother seizing on the floor of her bedroom. She hadn't gotten a wink of sleep since.

So, finally, gratefully, when Dr. Malone asked, from what sounded to be miles away, if she would like to see her mom, Raina wearily nodded and numbly followed her into the elevator, up several flights, and down the hall into her mother's room, 322.

There she was, Raina's dictionary definition of perfection, alone, asleep on the hospital bed, with fresh dressings and tubes and wires coming out of every nook and cranny of her mother, Roberta Thomas.

We are very sorry... Our condolences... We did everything we could... Comatose.... Probability of survival... not too high..... The words hit Raina like cement blocks, her brain taking longer and longer to decipher. Suddenly the room was spinning, spinning in a feisty whirlwind when everything turned black... Sweet nothingness was upon Raina as she accepted the warm, dark night.

Heya Sarah! Hope you're enjoying YWS so far. I spotted your first chapter in the Browse section and thought I'd let you know how I found it.

Beginnings

I find the start of a story is always the most important bit. It's your first chance to engage the reader, ensnare them, and encourage them to read on. I like how this story begins -- it's dramatic and you jump straight into your protagonist's conflict which is good to see. But, and this is for you to think about, do you not think it's a little too soon?

Another important element in writing is contrast, and at the moment this piece seems to only really have one emotion to it. Sure the emotion is strong and well-written, but it doesn't have anything with which to contrast.

What makes a storm seem so wild and terrifying? The contrast with the peace and calm that goes before it! Raina's storm is the loss of her mother, but it isn't as powerful as it could be because there isn't that much build up. Perhaps you could tease the reader a bit more? Perhaps it could take a bit of time before you reveal the crisis at hand? If you give the reader longer to identify with Raina then her plight will feel even more real to them and that will make them want to read on even more.

Characters

Characters are my favourite part of any novel. I like to see how they compare with people I know. I like to spot the ways in which they are so uncannily human. I think a lot of people read books with human protagonists because we identify with them the most. It's important that you make sure readers can do this!

I'd like to know more about Raina. Yes it's early days in the novel, but real people tell a lot more about themselves by their thoughts without even realising it.

For example, one of the things that makes us human is the way we think about other people. If I was about to hear bad news about one of my parents my mind would flick around all the ways they are part of my life. I'd worry about how my sister was gonna cope, I'd worry about my dad and my mum's relations. I'd think of all the things she does for me that I was going to miss out on -- driving with her, speaking to her about school, watching TV together.

These are the real whirlwinds and cement blocks that hit us in these situations. So, when you're describing the feeling why not make your character feel real and actually mention this! Any examples you put are better than the frilliest analogy. You could definitely improve your piece if you focus on this.

Overall

You write well and there's not anything I can pick apart about your construction / use of language. The only other thing I can say is that I didn't feel that spark of uniqueness that I look for in books at the library.

Most readers have already read a lot of books, and the difficulty is always in distinguishing yours from the rest of the crowd. These sort of hospital scenes are quite common as dramatic parts of a story, so the key is to see how you can make yours even better than the rest. Omitting information can help -- perhaps you won't say what the matter is with Raina's mother directly.

Perhaps also you could make sure the chapter doesn't finish with a cheesy cinematic camera-spinning blackout. Cliche is an inevitability in fiction. Just try not to let it rule your writing, and break the mould where you can.


Keep up the good work,
Charlie

Really Good, please, write some more!