You said you would call,
you promised to write,
but in this world of madness you have only made me feel small.
We vowed not to give up on each other,
you were my anchor,
when I was with you I felt bigger and better,
but now as you slither away,
I realize the horrible truth: I was only your banker.
The beginning was the hardest,
the pain was not merciful,
but in the midst of the night,
I was still faithful.
I prayed you would come around,
that all could be restored,
but you are not home bound,
and we are not cured.
How foolish of me,
to trust you with my heart,
for only you hold the key,
I have surely been hurt,
but that is the price you pay for stupidity.
So stay on your retreat,
and don't come home to me,
for I am not to greet,
and you are not for me.
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Please note that I'm not being harsh or inconsiderate or rude, I'm just giving an honest review and not trying to offend you.
With that in mind, I don't feel that this is very good poetry. A lot of it has to do with the fact that similar poems with the same style, feel and message have been written over, and over, and over, and over, and...you get the point. There are a lot of them, and they're all saying the same thing. This is nothing against your poem personally, but it's like someone writing a spin off of the spin off of the spin off of the Harry Potter Series. Unless you are absolutely obsessed with Harry Potter, you won't want to read the fifth generation spin off. It's just not interesting anymore.
It's something to think about when writing, especially poetry.
But, on the bright side, I can sense the emotion behind this poem, and a lot of people (as proven below) take it to heart because they can relate.
These two lines are the highlight of the poem, in my opinion. I like that it's not "the price I pay for stupidity," but the price that the other person pays, which is very true to life.
All in all, the poem isn't bad, but I think that it is simply overused and abused. But, it was still worth the read.
Thank you sarah01!
Wow this is good im impress!!
There is a book named this. And I love your story
Oh, my goodness! This is amazing! I love the theme you're working with! I (unfortunately) can so relate to what you're saying here.
My only comment is that there are places where it's a bit choppy. You have a nice flow going for most of it, but then it breaks and gets bumpy. For example:
"You said you would call,
you promised to write,
but in this world of madness you have only made me feel small."
You get something really great building up in the first two lines but it's destroyed in the third line. Then,
"We vowed not to give up on each other,
you were my anchor,
when I was with you I felt bigger and better,"
These three lines could be rewritten to go with the opening better.
"I prayed you would come around," I think you should add "that" between "you" and "would". ("I prayed THAT you would come around,".)
"but you are not home bound," This line sounds very awkward.
The second to last verse could use some tweeking.
The last one, though, is FABULOUS! It sounds great and is a perfect ending to what you wrote above.
I wish I'd thought to write this! You have an incredible theme and some powerful emotions portrayed, which is so great! You just need to work a little more on how things are phrased within the poem so that the rhythm and flow aren't broken. Keep up the good work!
Happy Writing!
Toboldlygo