Linger
Stay here with me
Linger in the shadows and watch over me
Cling to my essence and hold me tight
Stay here with me
Bide to my every whim
and drown into my soul
Grant my endless desires
and fall into my clutches
Linger into the dark depths of my heart
and promise to never leave me.
-sara
please critique me brutally, for awkward phrases and such it would help a lot.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
Firstly, I'd like to see some more punctuation here. Was the contradiction in the first verse intentional? If not, I'd rework either line two or line three.Preferably line two, as you use "linger" later on. I wouldn't repeat the first line. Overall, your sentiments here are fine.
I's say "cater" instead of "bide' as I think it sounds better and makes more sense, and I agree with Lynlyn about "drown in my soul.
I'm not sure about "fall into my clutches", I think it caused the mood and tone to shift, so I think that I might look at changing it.
I loved "Linger in the dark depths of my heart", but I felt that the last line was weak in comparison.
Maybe try using the other character more. Address them more specifically, so that this couldn't be addressed to just anyone. I know I'm explaining this badly, feel free to pm me if you have any questions.
Overall, you have the bones of this. It is interesting, and, with a bit of polishing and tightening up, it could be really powerful.
I hope this helps.
The largest problem I have is the lack of poetry.
It's an interesting concept, but it needs more. On my first read, I didn't understand the idea behind it, and I thought you were much too into yourself. on the second read, I understood the comment, but couldn't really feel anything. Consider attaching all the abstract actions (drowning into your soul, clinging to my essence) to actual physical actions, which will help give the reader feelings about the poem. You need to leave the reader with something by the end of the poem.
Also, the poem is navel gazing. You're too far "into yourself" so to speak, to see your reader. Read over it, and ask yourself, "What do I want the reader to think/feel when they read it?" Have you achieved that?
Okay, I think that in the first verse, you over used the word 'me' and in the second, you over used the word 'my'. I didn't really enjoy this kind of repetition so I think maybe it should be revised?
I like the idea and the story line behind the poem though, how one is asking someone else to stay with them, so that they aren't lonely. I liked this because it could be placed with a number of scenarios and makes it easier for the reader to understand.
Keep working on it and soon I'm sure it'll be perfect.
I don't really care for the repeated "me" in the first paragraph, it's a little sing-songy (whereas the rest of the poem is a bit darker).
The only thing that sort of confused me was that the beginning of the poem started out as entreating the subject to stay; the next stanza was more of a command... "stay with me, or else." The last little bit is sort of a mix of both. Personally I feel like "lingering" is something done by choice and not by force, so the imperative bits of the poem throw me off a little. If you're going to use both moods, I would suggest trying to smooth the transition between them.
I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with that line except I think it would make more sense if he/she drowned in your soul rather than into it.
I like the "cling to my essence" line. That's sort of cool, it's a little ethereal. Fun to interpret; maybe like trying to remember someone's scent or shadow rather than their actual form. You've got some solid imagery and a good title. An extra stanza might help, but I don't think it's necessary - it's your choice.
"And drown into my soul"
Ummm.....
Perhaps you meant "I am drowning in your soul"? it would make more sense. To me, it soulds like it is from the perspective of a girl whose boyfriend is about to break up with her and she's begging him not to. That one line sticks out, and while it makes sense, it doesn't fit with with rest of the poem. I smell an extra stanza!
Good luck!
Aussie
uh i changed the
'and relish into my chain of enchantments' into 'and fall into my clutches' so yeah...tell me if that sounds better...
by the way, I wasn't really thinking about anything particular when I wrote this poem only the feeling of despair, so the reader could interpret the poem however he/she wants...
thanks for critiquing
-sara
Well, for me at least, this poem is not long enough for me to "brutally critique", but I shall try.
Awkward phrases...
This definitely is awkward. "chains of enchantments". Man, that hurts. 'Chains' is such a harsh word and 'enchantments' makes me think of fairies. Um, these are not what you want your reader to think about. And "relish" means to "enjoy". I don't understand why you chose that word; it doesn't fit. Please, fix this!
I'm going to tell you what I think the story is. If that's not what you want your reader to get out of it, then you need to edit it.
The first line strikes me as desperate and somehow feminine. So, I hear a girl pleading with a boy to stay. Because she says "essence", "desires", and wants him to promise to never leave but says nothing of a previous relationship, I get that feeling that this boy has been her crush for a long time and she is just now expressing those repressed feelings. And, because of how hard she is begging, I feel that the boy will have pity on her and reluctantly stay. I don't think that girl is whining, I think she has worked herself into an almost genuine feeling of "love".
So, there you are. As the author, and I have been told this by other reviewers too, you have the responsibility of presenting your story in a way that your readers will be able to grasp. If they are taking the wrong meaning, 9 out of 10 times it's the writer's fault. If what I've just told you is not what you wanted me to hear, then you know what to do.
I hope that helps. Happy writing to ya!