raging

Hello, Sapphire! This is a very interesting poem. It sparks intrigue, and I like that about it. Your poem is in the spoiler

Very good job! Very good!

Your poem was very emotional and even made feel somewhat sad.

Keep writing,
~FW~

I really liked this, but there are a few things you could do to polish it up.

They're waiting, watching theres There's, not theres nothing I can do
I'm hopeless, powerless, and you are Commatoo.

You see were all just sitting, waiting around Comma
We're all looking for what cannot be found Period

because (The B needs to be capitalized.)no one cares, its every man for himself
Your'e (You're, not your'e) nothing to them, an empty book on a shelf

Sitting, waiting, enduring, exploring Comma
All the time your mind sits imploring Period

Challenge apon (Upon)challenge
Rage goes to its end (Period.)

No one to help you,
you (You)dont (Don't with a comma)have a friend.

Alone, your (Youre with a comma between the U and R.)'e alone
the (The) executioner cries.

Alone, so alone
till the day that you die.

Hello.

I think you should always be hot for grammar. Teardrop there could have used her time reviewing the substance of this poem rather than grammar and form if you had fixed it before you posted it. She's right about punctuation as well. You've got it in the first part of your poem and in the last while it's non-existent around the middle. Decide if you're going with punctuation or not, it ruins the flow of the entire poem.

I like the concept of this poem. It's not typical teenage angst poetry that's very self-absorbed. You see the persona wrapped up in himself, teenage vanity in its entirety, but I think there's a commentary on the outside world as well. You've got a few images here which I think would be better explored. For example 'empty book on a shelf'. It's an odd use of words and honestly didn't make me think of the persona in any better light. 'Empty book' resounds of dullness. Perhaps it is the shelf that is empty? I don't know.

The problem I think is that you've got a few images in this poem but none of them are very developed. You could have worked with that entire metaphor of a bookshelf but instead you've got executioner, being lost, a challenge... There's image after image but I hardly see the point. It's too scattered. I think you should zoom in on a particular image and anchor this poem to that. Look for a general theme so to speak, and build your poem around it. If this was a building it would seem as if you took your architecture from Gothic, Modern and Classical designs and mashed it up together. The result being a confused building with poor foundations. I think this just needs to be focused and the images extended.

Anyway, you've got a good concept but this could be executed better.

--Nixie

Yeah, I wrote this about a week ago, and I wasn't really in a mood for grammar. Haha, if you've ever read any of my other work you'll see its sort of rare for me.

Hi! I'm Teardrop!

sapphirewednesday wrote:theyre waiting, watching theres nothing i can do
im hopeless, powerless, and you are too

you see were all just sitting, waiting around
were all looking for what cannot be found

because no one cares, its every man for himself
youre nothing to them, an empty book on a shelf

sitting, waiting, enduring, exploring
all the time your mind sits imploring

challenge apon challenge
rage goes to its end

no one to help you,
you dont have a friend

alone, youre alone
the executioner cries

alone comma so alone
till the day that you die