Published May 2, 2011
His cold touch and cold mood and cold hand grabs mine,
His razor blade had a tip so fine
He held my arm up, and prepared it with a kiss
Eyes gazing strait into mine
He brought the blade to my wrist
Our bodies so close as the blood begins to flow
And the sweet metal, so slow, makes
The incision mark grow
My eyes deep in his, and I'm chilled to the bone
But his touch is so loving, I cant help but moan
The blood flowing so thickly makes his pale lips red
My wrist, forever his, as we lay on his bed
My blood to his mouth, his lips gentle touch
But his eyes won't leave mine, 'cause he loves me so much
Then he gets done and the blood is all gone
He puts the blade in my hand, and his blood soon is drawn
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His cold touch and cold mood and cold hand grabs mine,
His razor blade had a tip comma so fine
He held my arm up, and prepared it with a kiss comma
Eyes gazing straight into mine
He brought the blade to my wrist
Our bodies so close as the blood begins to flow
And the sweet metal, so slow, makes
The incision mark grow
My eyes are deep in his, and I'm chilled to the bone
But his touch is so loving, I cant help but moan period
The blood flowing so thickly makes his pale lips red
My wrist, forever his, as we lay on his bed
My blood
toon his mouth, his lips gentle touchBut his eyes won't leave mine, 'cause he loves me so much This is my favorite line, right here
ThenWhen he gets done and the blood is all gone comma hereHe puts the blade in my hand, and his blood soon is drawn
This reminds me of Vampire Academy, I do quite like this poem, you did a really, really good job qithout making it 'cliche'. That takes talent, too. Kudos!
Keep writing, good luck, and good job :]
-KatTrain
Thanks, I had that first thought myself, so I'll change it now!
Hi! So, first of all this is sad, and I think it's pretty good! I think that you could have used a lot more punctuation, expecially at the end of the lines.
Personally, I love this line, but I thought that it should have been the same person, like "But his eyes won't leave mine, 'cause he loves me so much. Or something, it just makes more sense, logically, to me anyway. But that's just my opinion. ^.^In the first line, I think that you might want to exchange 'blood' for another word, the repetition just sounds a bit odd.
Overall, I liked this, I can relate. Nice poem ^__^
~Tear