z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Walt's Receipt

by sapphireluna


Amy Parker strolled mindlessly through Junipers Hardware and Antiques on Adams Blvd. in Los Angeles, California.



She was there to find water fountains for New Orleans Square in Disneyland, CA, because the ones by the shrubbery had broken down earlier that morning.

Her boss, Gary Impalson, seemed to think it was all her fault that these ancient water fountains could randomly stop working, so she was forced to sit through a twenty minute long lecture which included lots of "This is important, Amy"s, "Snap out of it, Amy!"s, and "Do you understand me, Amy?"s. He bragged about how he had gone to some sort of pluming school and he knew all about water pipes or whatever, and these water fountains were unfixble. She doubted he even looked at them, though. He probably just wanted an excuse to send her away so he could be left to his own miserable self.

She had been sent to this smelly, moldy, and upright gross department store, claiming this is where the originals had been bought from. Even if that was true, she highly doubted that they still had them in stock, but she wasn't in a position to refuse orders, so she went along with it.

A lot of times, she would think to herself, Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. So why do I hate it so much there? Then she would think, It's not the "there" that I hate. It's the people that work at the "there". The workers, or at least behind the scenes workers, are snappy, angry, and stressed out people with social issues. Amy couldn't wait to be promoted, which she knew was bound to happen soon, considering she had worked as the behind the scenes assistant manager for quite some time.



She brushed her hands against rows and rows of antique furniture set up to look like a real living space. Not that any sane person would live in this store, she thought.



As she walked, her eyes skittered about in search of cream-colored glass water fountains. Two, in fact, although Mr. Impalson (as she called him) made it perfectly clear that "one would do just fine".

She stopped in a corner stuffed high up the ceilings with antique silverware and dishware. Another older looking woman with graying brown hair and thin glasses was standing right next to her wearing a red vest with a name tag on it reading "Sally Carey." Assuming that meant she was a Junipers' Employee, she kindly said to the woman,

"Excuse me, hi. My name is Amy Parker, and I'm the assistant behind the scenes manager at Disneyland." She paused to give Sally a chance to speak.

"How do you do Amy? I'm Sally." She said with a hoarse tone in her voice. "What can I help you with today?"

"Well," Amy replied, relived the woman was considerably kind, "I was wondering if you may have any ceramic water fountains here. The ones we have at Disneyland broke down this morning, and my boss sent me here."

"Ahhhhh, the water fountains. I'm sorry to say we do not have any more, but listen here Amy. I've been working here over 60 years, and I remember every item I have ever sold, and the person I sold it to. And you can't have imagined the day, I was around twenty five I think, when no one else but Walt Disney himself strolled on in here and bought those two fountains. Yes, yes, I did everything I could to play it cool, but the way Walt looked at me, oh he was pure and full of magic, that one."

Amy stood with her mouth open, speechless, but urged Sally to go on in her head. She could barely imagine what that would have been like, to see Walt Disney so straight up like that.

"I guess you could say I was star struck, but that doesn't describe the half of it. My dad helped him haul the fountains over to the register, and the two of them chatted away like old friends. Walt had this sort of magic to him that made everyone feel comfortable around him as if you had known him for years. I, on the other hand, was so utterly charmed that after he left and my shift ended, I stole his receipt and went home to frame it and carefully hang it up on the wall in my room. Actually, I may still have that receipt. If your willing to wait for a moment, I could go check around to see if it's any where by the counter. "

Still speechless, Amy nodded her head in excitement.

Sally chucked and walked away, heading towards the counter. Amy turned her head around to stare at the silver forks and spoons, when her phone rang. She was so startled that she nearly fell over backwards, but was able to compose herself and pick up quickly.

"Hello?" she said.

"Yes, Amy, hi, this is Gary. Gary Impalson. Your boss."

"I know who you are, Mr. Impalson." She sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Right. A plummer just called and informed me that the fountain, er, was, in fact, fixable, so I don't see any reason for you to not, er, return. And as long as you haven't bought anything yet, no replacements will be needed."

Another sigh came out of Amy, not in exasperation, but of relief.

"Okay. I haven't bought anything yet, so I'll be back in around thirty minutes." She informed him. "Good bye."

"Take your time." He told her. And he hung up.

She turned around to see Sally standing there, staring at her.

"I found it." She said. From behind her back, she whipped out a picture frame. In it was a short receipt which was written with messy font and blue ink. And scribbled at the bottom on top of a hand written line was the name Walt Disney, with the W and the D exceptionally large and swirles all around.

"Can I hold the frame?" She asked, feeling just as starstruck as she would have if Walt Disney was standing where Sally Carey now was.

"Of course." Sally replied, with a small smile creeping up her face.

She handed Amy the frame, which she took with careful hands.

Amy stared and stared at this work. It wasn't much, just an ordinary receipt, but on it was the signature of a not so ordinary man. Walt had done many, many wonders in his time, and he was a man who many admired, herself included.

"It's so weird to think Walt himself wrote this." she said.

When there was no reply, she raised her head up to nothing but an aisle filled with cushioned chairs. No sign anyone was ever there.

And Sally Carey had vanished from sight. 


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Fri May 12, 2017 5:06 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a review.
Well the ending was a little creepy but I love Disney and everything to do with Walt.
But anyway on to the story. In the part about her boss lecturing her I think it would look better if you took away the Amy's after everything. It sounds and looks very weird when you leave them. Also the I in it's in this sentence "She would think, It's not 'there' that I hate.
Other than those small grammar mistakes this was the most amazing concept I have ever seen. If you ever write any other Disney pieces feel free to PM me and I will review it.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!

P.S Random question have you ever been to Walt Disney world or Disneyland If so how many times?




sapphireluna says...


Thanks for the review!
Sorry I'm late for reading it.
I've been to Disneyland 5 times now I think.
I'm WAY obsessed with Disney though.
I spend to much time of my life reading about Disney facts and things.
XXX,
sapphireluna



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Sun Mar 05, 2017 3:34 am
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skylnn00writes wrote a review...



The ending was creepy but I must say that I absolutely love Disney with all my heart and soul and body and everything.

Just some small things I want to point out about this.

The part in the beginning where her boss is giving her a lecture, I think you should take out the A's after the words he said. It sounds and looks very strange with them there.

Also, you capitalized the I in it's in "Then she would think, it's not the 'there' that I hate."

Other than that, I either fell way too in love with the idea of the Disney theme or the receipt or that it was just plain amazing or something, but I couldn't find anything else wrong in this. I think that you are an exceptional writer so please keep writing and if you ever write anything else about Disney I would be more than happy to read and/or review it.

I hope this helps you :smt001




sapphireluna says...


Thanks so much!
I am a Disney addict as well, have you ever heard of Kingdom Keepers?
It's a series of fantasy novels that take place in Disney World, I would highly recommend it.
As a matter of fact, this short was written for a contest on the Kingdom Keepers website.
Thanks again!
XXX,
sapphireluna





That's so cool! I will definitely go check that out, thank you. Glad I could help.



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Sat Mar 04, 2017 2:50 pm
Sujana wrote a review...



A strange concept, one with plenty of potential, certainly. I have a feeling this might be continued, but despite knowing that, I felt strangely unsatisfied through the whole run. There were some grammar and spelling issues here and there, but I've always said I could live with a few typos if the prose itself is interesting--which isn't in this case, really.

The story itself you could make a case for, but the prose is incredibly bland (at least in my opinion) and I had a hard time reading through it. There are two main problems that I'm seeing here:

-A lack of interesting vocabulary, the overuse of cliches without any real meaning behind them. When I'm talking about cliche, I'm not talking story cliche as I mean textual cliches--phrases like

And Sally Carey had vanished from sight.


She was so startled that she nearly fell over backwards


She could barely imagine what that would have been like, to see Walt Disney so straight up like that.


On their own, they aren't that bad. Heck, I've used these phrases more than occasionally in my own writing. The problem comes along when you pair it up with mass, boring exposition:

Amy Parker strolled mindlessly through Junipers Hardware and Antiques on Adams Blvd. in Los Angeles, California.


Very plain dialogue,

"Okay. I haven't bought anything yet, so I'll be back in around thirty minutes." She informed him. "Good bye."


Very cliched dialogue,

"I guess you could say I was star struck, but that doesn't describe the half of it. (...)"


And loads of other textual problems that just snowball into an avalanche. No matter how interesting you might think your story is, prose is an important element that cannot be detracted from the story--if you tell it badly, the audience won't listen to it or they won't feel as much impact from it.

-I touched about this briefly, but the characters in this have little to no distinct personality. I can tell what you're going for, but I can't feel it. I know Gary is supposed to be bossy and in-over-his-head and frustrated, but I can only barely feel it from his dialogue.

"Yes, Amy, hi, this is Gary. Gary Impalson. Your boss."


I'm not sure, maybe you didn't intend to make him sound bossy, but if you did, I don't know any bossy character that would feel the need to define who they are. Bossy characters, at least from my experience, would much prefer shouting or snapping at their employees on the phone, and then snap at them again if the employees don't already recognize their voice. This line of dialogue made him sound more nervous, sensitive, a bit low on the self-esteem department.

And Amy doesn't have much dialogue, though none of them are distinct, despite her being the main character and all. I needed to check her name a second time after writing this review, that's how much of an impact she made on me. Maybe it's just me, though it'd be interesting to hear the sarcasm she's known for in the narration to slip into her voice, just a little bit. Maybe she and Gary should snap at each other through the phone, Gary directly calling her out for being insolent, Amy sardonically joking about the matter. Or you know, she could groan inwardly every time she's with him. Something of that capacity could definitely add more personality to the text, thus making it less bland.

Another problem I had with the overall text is it's plot, and how it got carried out. I think I know where it's going, but how it starts is a little too abrupt for me to handle. Why would Sally suddenly talk about Walt Disney, out of nowhere? It's one thing for an old woman to reminisce about the olden days, but it's another entirely for a young one to completely take it all in. I mean, I'm not a young woman or anything, but even if I was a Walt Disney fanboy I wouldn't be 100% down to hear some random old lady talk about him while I'm doing my job. Starting it out slowly would be a better idea. You know, have Amy walk around, check out the place, and then have the old lady start talking about Walt Disney while Amy's checking out stuff. Amy should probably be a little incredulous at first, until the old woman shows her the receipt, and suddenly Amy is slightly amused. Maybe no major overreaction, it is just a receipt after all, but she is about as curious as anybody else would be.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts. Have a nice day--feel free to ask any questions, if you like.

--Elliot.




sapphireluna says...


Thank you, I will take your advice into consiteration.
This is my first draft, it isn't perfect, so spelling and grammar errors I'll fix in my second draft.



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Fri Mar 03, 2017 8:09 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, sapphireluna! Lupa here for a review. :D Let's begin...

1) Your first sentence provides way too much information for it too be comfortable. You manage to cram all of the specific details of this girl's location in one sentence. Slow it down a bit; make sure to add all those details in later parts of the story / chapter so that your reader isn't inundated.

2) "He bragged about how he had gone to some sort of pluming school" Here, I suppose you meant "plumbing" instead of "pluming?" :) And thinking about these spelling mistakes, I see some more of them later in the chapter. If you put this into something like Grammarly or Microsoft Word, you can fix them right away.

3) Your spacing is quite random throughout this piece. Sometimes you put lots of space between your paragraphs, although most of the time its normal. I wasn't sure if you were aware of this, but I wanted to let you know.

4) To be honest, if I was Amy, I would be slightly annoyed at Sally for launching into a story about Walt Disney. Amy's boss doesn't seem like a patient sort of guy. I would be trying to get back to Disneyland as soon as possible. Amy's reaction to Sally, and Sally telling the story in general, doesn't seem very in-character. If you could make it seem more natural for Sally to be the "nostalgic" type, it would help the flow.

Wow, a cliffhanger! I'm wondering what happened to Sally. Why did she disappear? I guess you'll answer those questions later, but it's a nice suspense you're creating. I wanted to compliment you on that.

Anyway, keep churning out these chapters! And always keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22




sapphireluna says...


Thank You for your review! I was writing this for a Disneyland Writing contest and I copied and pasted it into YWS so I could get some feedback for it before I posted it, so that explains the spacing. I am terrible at spelling... I'll fix those ASAP. Thanks again!!
XXX,
sapphireluna



erilea says...


No problem!




Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain