E - Everyone

Riders on Soarin-Character development practice

PreviousNext

For Mason, Soarin' was the best ride in all of Disneyland. Mostly, this was because he always has wanted to fly, or "soar". But it was also the fact that he had grown up in San Francisco and woke up every morning gazing at the Golden Gate bridge, which just so happened to be the first destination on the ride. Once he got married and had kids, his rapidly growing family moved to Redwood Creek, the second stop on Soarin'. Because of this coincidence, he always felt a special connection with the ride, so flying it with his amazing wife and their three kids made the ride feel extra magical.

Olivia thought Disney was for babies. Being a fifteen year old girl visiting Disneyland was much different than being a seven year old at Disneyland, but as she soared over Napa Valley with her flip flops resting on the ground below her, it was too much. Seeing as her third (and longest lasting) boyfriend, Jaden, had just broken up with her due to him moving to Napa Valley from their hometown in Oregon, this all made her feel so depressed and full with despair. She squeezed her eyes shut and did everything she could to resist tears from leaking out of her already soaked eyes. She would never be able to feel the same while riding Soarin' again.

Sea otters. Those were Noah's spirit animal, thanks to a well needed visit to Monterey Bay sanctuary with his mom and sister. It had been a week after his dad had died of cancer, and the three of them decided to go to what used to be his favorite place in the world: the sanctuary. They packed up their bags and locked the doors behind them with solemn tear streaked faces. Noah jumped bravely in the rushing waves, swimming as he fought against the flowing water giving him the sensation of strength. The next thing he knew, he had swam right into a furry, wet sea otter. Ever since that life changing day, he always thinks of that sea otter as a gift, message, or omen of some sort from his father at the Monterey Bay sanctuary.

Sofia clenched her fists in anger as she flew over Lake Tahoe. This was where she had grown up with her biological family for the first 16 years of her life. On her 16th birthday, she came out to her dad, a church minister, as openly gay. After being called sick and attending multiple therapy and counseling sessions, they disowned her and left her to navigate life on her own. Sofia, now married with three beautiful kids and living close to Yosemite where their family spent most of their days, Sofia’s Lake tahoe days were behind her.

William cringed as he soared over the PGA West Palmer golf course. Considering himself a dreamer, much like Walt Disney, he had always imagined himself playing in the PGA. And three years ago he finally got that chance when he was accepted to try out for the PGA tour at West Palmer. While he was there, however, he tripped over the strap on his club bag and shattered both his wrists, causing him to never play the same again.

Jaden, a highschool tourist from northern China, was discovering California and the USA for the first time ever, along with his many new companions he met in the exchange student program he had been accepted to. Ever since the huge winter storms in his area that had been going on for years, the town he lived in was poor and falling apart. His family could not at all afford to send him to a good college, much less send him to tour the US and go to Disneyland. As he flew over Camarillo, where his aunt migrated to a decade ago, he thought of how much he would love to live in a free country like the US. Moving here would be a life changing opportunity, one that for him would be nearly impossible. After this ride, he thought to himself, I am going to make a change in my life and where I’m living.

Emma was only four when she first rode on Soarin’. Her birthday was the next day, and she couldn’t wait. Her mom had promised her a pink and blue birthday cake, the blue for her and the pink for her twin sister, whose birthday was also the next day. Her legs flailed around in mid-air as she swiftly glided over Anza Borrego Desert State Park, which to her looked like mounds of sweet chocolate and chocolate milk scattered beneath her tiny feet. “Mommy, LOOK!!!” she shouted out loud, startling her mom who put a finger to her lips. “SO MUCH CHOCOLATE!! CAN I HAVE THAT ON MY BIRTHDAY CAKE TOO?!” she cried out, causing chuckles from the other riders. Her mother just chuckled.

Unlike all of the previous audience members mentioned, Jacob had no relation at all to anything directly related to the ride. Little did he know that his great grandfather was the leading engineer of the USS John C. Stennis Naval Air Station in San Diego. He was a humble man who worked behind the scenes and when asked, replied by saying, “I didn’t do no work on this ship. It was all god's work.” This of course, wasn’t true. Even if god DID have some part in it, his great grandfather worked his hardest at making this ship a success, even if he liked to act as if he was invisible.

Ava was a surfer. She only knew this because of her one trip to her cousin's beach house in Miami two years ago. She spent every day cruising the waves and has wished every day to go back. Despite her wishes, however, her family hasn’t traveled since then. And living on a farm in Maine with no beaches within 1,000 miles, and add the daily chores she can’t escape, she never gets the chance. Her dream was to surf on Malibu beach, but she figured riding over it on Soarin’ was as close as she’ll ever get.

20 year old Abby had just moved to Downtown LA four months ago from Chicago. Pursuing her acting career, she had three open auditions coming up within the next week. Growing up a Disney fan, she figured a little time at the happiest place on earth may relieve stress. In five years, Abby will move to NYC after failing in hollywood. She will get into theatre and will tour with a broadway production of Cats for more than a few years.


These 10 riders all soared together on this adventurous ride, along with 77 other passengers. None of them know each other, and everyone questions what their future holds. Yet all of them hold some special connection as they all stare at the marvelous fireworks surrounding them at Disneyland, California. 

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
inktopus
Review

Hey, sapphireluna! Storm here to do a review, so let's jump right into it.

I will review this with the fact that this is meant to be character development in mind.

Jaden, a highschool tourist from northern China, was discovering California and the USA for the first time ever, along with his many new companions he met in the exchange student program he had been accepted to.

His name is Jaden? And he's a native of China? I don't know that any Chinese person would name their child Jaden. Is there a reason his name is Jaden? If not, I would give him a Chinese name.

Okay, I don't know that you succeeded at developing your characters if that was your goal. All you did was state their background. The readers still do not know much about any of your characters. Maybe you wanted to develop the backstories of your characters, but that isn't what comes to mind for me when I think of character development.

You didn't really go into much detail about the stories of each character; instead, you summarized everything. You don't want to summarize stories like you're explaining the plot of a movie to a friend. You want to go into detail; get into the character's head.

I can't really comment on this as a story because it really wasn't a story. It was a bit disjointed and you told too much. You did have diverse sentences, though, which made this more interesting to read.

Feel free to reply to this comment or pm me if you have any questions.

~Storm

This was actually for a contest about the story behind Disneyland ride passengers, so I probably should have mentioned that, or framed the character development thing differently, but I wasn't trying to go into any character. I mostly wanted reviews on my writing styles and things, but any review is helpful!!!!!!!!!!!!
XXX,
sapphireluna

Dropping a review here, per your request :smt001 Again, I'm a huge Disney fan, specifially the old Disney, so I bet I'm going to love this story too. One quick reminder before I get into it. These are all suggestions and you by no means have to listen to me.

Mostly, this was because he always has wanted to fly, or "soar".


Alright, this is a good sentence and you already have a good start. I may be biased because of Disney, but hey, oh well :D Ok, sorry, back to reviewing; I get sidetracked easily. I just wanted to point out the wording in this. It's a little funky, and it seems almost like you accidentally flipped a couple words. I would reword it to say "This was mostly because he has always wanted to fly, or 'soar'." Entirely up to you though.

But it was also the fact that he had grown up in San Francisco and woke up every morning gazing at the Golden Gate bridge, which just so happened to be the first destination on the ride. Once he got married and had kids, his rapidly growing family moved to Redwood Creek, the second stop on Soarin'. Because of this coincidence, he always felt a special connection with the ride, so flying it with his amazing wife and their three kids made the ride feel extra magical.


All right, so with the first sentence I got the impression that Mason was a young child. I mean, adults do go to Disney, especially with their family. I just feel like this was a pretty big jump. Like I actually said wow when I realized the age of Mason. Maybe in the beginning you can point out Mason's age by saying something like "All throughout Mason's life, even into adulthood, Soarin' was the best ride in all of Disneyland."

Seeing as her third (and longest lasting) boyfriend, Jaden, had just broken up with her due to him moving to Napa Valley from their hometown in Oregon, this all made her feel so depressed and full with despair.


Just a couple small things. First off, I think you can get rid of the parenthesis, but that's a writers choice. Second, the bigger thing, this sentence is a bit lengthy. It was a handful of information without a period for the reader to gather their thoughts and kind of digest it. Maybe you can separate it at 'had just broken up with her." then write a new sentence with "Due to him moving to Napa valley from their hometown in Oregon, this all made her feel so depressed..."

Those were Noah's spirit animal, thanks to a well needed visit to Monterey Bay sanctuary with his mom and sister.


Monterey is spelled with 2 r's, Monterrey, and I think sanctuary should be capitalized? I don't know, don't take my word on it. It's repeated more in the paragraph and Monterrey is again said later, but don't take my word on this... sorry.

The next thing he knew, he had swam right into a furry, wet sea otter. Ever since that life changing day, he always thinks of that sea otter as a gift, message, or omen of some sort from his father at the Monterey Bay sanctuary.
I feel like this would be more meaningful if in just a couple more sentences you described why the otter was significant. Did he think his father had just sent him, or did he think that his father had reincarnated into a sea otter? It sounds strange, I know, but every reader perceives things differently.

Sofia, now married with three beautiful kids and living close to Yosemite where their family spent most of their days, Sofia’s Lake tahoe days were behind her.


Small typo glitch, you need to capitalize the t in Tahoe.

Jaden, a highschool tourist from northern China, was discovering California and the USA for the first time ever, along with his many new companions he met in the exchange student program he had been accepted to.


High school is two words.

His family could not at all afford to send him to a good college, much less send him to tour the US and go to Disneyland.


So just another small suggestion. You said "US" twice in this paragraph. Just for the first one, I would maybe spell out United States.

After this ride, he thought to himself, I am going to make a change in my life and where I’m living.


I would change his thoughts to be italicized. It just makes it easier to understand which part the character is thinking.

Her mom had promised her a pink and blue birthday cake, the blue for her and the pink for her twin sister, whose birthday was also the next day.


You don't need the "whose birthday was also the next day." That's kind of implied when you give the reader the information that they are twins.

“Mommy, LOOK!!!” she shouted out loud, startling her mom who put a finger to her lips. “SO MUCH CHOCOLATE!! CAN I HAVE THAT ON MY BIRTHDAY CAKE TOO?!” she cried out, causing chuckles from the other riders.


I think the capitalization isn't needed. You state that she is shouting, so it is kind of just extra with the capital letters. That parts up to you though.

Unlike all of the previous audience members mentioned, Jacob had no relation at all to anything directly related to the ride.


This first part seems really weird to me. It broke the fluidity of the piece and just kind of switched everything on the reader, in this case me. Maybe you could have mentioned this in a different way like "Jacob had no relation to his ride directly." Something like that, to not break the character of the narrator. I hope that makes sense.

He was a humble man who worked behind the scenes and when asked, replied by saying, “I didn’t do no work on this ship. It was all god's work.”


With the way that it seems you tried to perceive it, you should capitalize God.

Even if god DID have some part in it, his great grandfather worked his hardest at making this ship a success, even if he liked to act as if he was invisible.


Again here, you should capitalize God. Also, I really like this. It shows his grandfather's humble and modest personality.

Despite her wishes, however, her family hasn’t traveled since then. ... Her dream was to surf on Malibu beach, but she figured riding over it on Soarin’ was as close as she’ll ever get.


This kind of clashed for me. I mean, they hadn't traveled since then, but they live in Maine yet she somehow ended up in Disneyland. I feel like you should specify that they hadn't gone back to their cousin's or something since she actually did travel. You could say that they hadn't been to any beaches since.

20 year old Abby had just moved to Downtown LA four months ago from Chicago.


Ok, so I'm sorry because I might be wrong but I feel like pointing it out. The "20 year old" part, I feel like it has hyphens somewhere. It might be "20 year-old" but please don't take my word on this one.

Growing up a Disney fan, she figured a little time at the happiest place on earth may relieve stress. In five years, Abby will move to NYC after failing in hollywood. She will get into theatre and will tour with a broadway production of Cats for more than a few years.


Couple small things here too. First, I think you capitalize Earth. Again, I'm not sure. Also, you want to capitalize Hollywood, since it is a place, and Broadway as well.

Again, I absolutely loved this story. It isn't only because I love Disney, but because it was just amazing. The way you connected the characters in the end, oh my god so smart. Just, brilliant! Just one small complaint about the story altogether, I just think that the jumps from the characters were really sudden a lot of the times. I get that it's hard to separate it nicely, but it's just a comment from my part. I just think that jumping form one character to the next like that is just really sudden and cuts it short for each character.

Again, these were all suggestions so you by no means have to listen to me.I hope this review was helpful :smt001

Thanks for all of your suggestions!
They were all extremely helpful and I really appreciate your review, so thank you!
Enjoy Kingdom Keepers!
XXXXX,
sapphireluna



What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines