Published January 13, 2010
well, here goes...
I just want to say something.
Anything.
One thing.
To you.
And it's not I love you,
or I miss you or I hate you,
or hello.
You drive me to the very edge.
The edge of thought, of understanding, of sanity.
You drive me crazy.
Crazy beyond all realms of normality,
in ways I never knew existed and have left my mind tumbling down the waterfall, into the abyss.
No breath.
No air.
No change.
I'm still here. I still exist.
I'm still with you
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Even though the line structure is not consistent for the poem, for example one line will have way more words than another line, it flows very nicely from start to finish. Maybe you did that on purpose and probably should not have to change it. I usually have a hard time wiht poems, but I like this one.
Unlike Jas, I love these words in your poem. I think it's a personal thing for me though. My favorite band is Aerosmith, and they have a song called "Living on the edge". That line in your poem made me think about that song and what it meant and brought a new vantagepoint for me into you poem. When you say edge to me it really opens doors into the poem and gives me a full understanding of what the "edge" is to you. Maybe im wrong though. I just want to say I love the edge.
Welcome, Sans! I really like your username. June here.
This is fair. Good because it has potential, and not so incredible because it's hard to see where you're going. The confusion could be more evident as well, but let's see!
The problem with love poems/poems about someone you like is that is hard to be original with them -- they've become such a common theme, probably for good reason, haha, but it's like, there are so, so many of them in the world that it's hard to call one original and difficult to find a noncliche one.
So, basically! What I think you should do is like, elaborate more on some of the lesser details so that this isn't just about this confused-love situation. We need this to be super interesting for us to really, really like it, and I'm confident that you can improve this.
Best of luck,
June
Keep writing!
I have to agree with Kat, in that you brought a freshness to the genre of love poems. Except that you killed it with the "You drive me crazy" part. As if I have never heard that before. Is there some way to twist this line, to give us a new perspective on how crazy love makes us feel? Something that isn't so used?
Other than that, good job!
Hi Sans! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing this, okay?
So, first, the thing that most bothered me at the beginning were all the periods. The first two are well used, the fact that we have a stop there makes it more dramatic, causes more impact, but on the line 'One thing' I think a comma would do a better job because of the line that follows.
I really like the next few lines, on how it's not cliché at all. Most of these kind of poems go all 'ah, I wanna talk to you, and oh, I wanna say I love you, I miss you' and whatever more. But the fact that your MC doesn't brings something fresh to me and unlocks my interest that is immediately shot down as you pass onto another theme without telling us what you wanted to say! That part there should be fixed. Add a connecting line, so that the transitions between thoughts don't look so evidently.
There are two things wrong with this part of the poem.
The end is also a bit confusing. If you want to say something to the person, but you can't, wouldn't that mean you're not with the person? Or maybe your emotionally, mentally with the person? If you add another line or two, the confusion would probably disappear ^.^
And that's it! Nice piece
- Kat
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
I really like the fragmented beginning. The poem flows very well as a whole.
I'd change "edge" and "You drive me crazy" and "abyss" because these are a little weak.
I'd split;
"and have left my mind tumbling down the waterfall, into the abyss" as it's a bit long. Maybe try something like;
"and have left my mind
tumbling down the waterfall
into the abyss."
I really like "tumbling down the waterfall."
I like how you alternate short and long sentences. I think it gives the poem a real energy and makes it easy to read.
I'd try and incorporate more imagery rather than just relating the speaker's thoughts. What does the person he/she is addressing look like? Is he/she with them when he/she is thinking this or is he/she just picturing them? How do these thoughts make the speaker look to people outside? Why does he/she feel like this-what little moments have triggered it and what did they look/sound like?
Hope this helps.
Jas