Published February 8, 2010
Im laying in this lukewarm bathwater.
A passionate love gone cold.
Im watching the faucet drip, drip, drip.
When did this relationship grow old?
Im counting all of the bathroom tiles.
I have found they are all i have to count on.
Im screaming, but muted by all this water.
The pressure in my head does nothing, but pound on.
I dont need to lay in this frigid pool any longer.
But somehow i can't find strength to thrive on my own.
Im yanking on the drain to remove this asphyixiating pain,
And once again left to lay here alone.
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OK, first this sentence sounds a bit awkward. So, you're in the "frigid pool" and you notice you don't need to lie there?
Oh yes, in the first line you had put "laying". It is supposed to be lying. It's a grammar thing. You know, grammar
OK, anyway back to the quote.
Instead of putting "noticing" you can have "realizing"..
I'm trying to make this sound right because you do have some awkward sentences. It would help if you looked at specific words if your unsure they match.
Don't forget to use you're spelling checker at the top right of each of your post box!
Snoink helped me out this one time on my post. If you're unsure about a piece, you should read aloud and you will notice what stands out that doesn't make sense.
Other than that, you did a nice job. Good imagery. Keep writing!
~Pacific
First of all,
Welcome to The Young Writers Society.
I thought that this poem was quite good,
Its to the point and simple,
And you used nice effective language.
''A passionate love gone cold. I'm watching the faucet drip, drip, drip. When did this relationship grow old?''
This part of the poem gives you the image of a person,
lamenting an ex lover, in a rather sorrowful way.
Keep up the writing!