Juliet
After James had turned I was sick. Sick to my stomach. It felt like all the butterflies died as I watched him run into the meat-eating horde of walkers. He was my life and after getting him back after 7 years I had lost him again. That night I was patrolling the fence I heard Duffy yell for Veronica. It had always been a love triangle between me, Duffy and James. Duffy was mine when we were forced out of the city by the zombies but he was never really paying attention to me. Then there was James, the man who had proposed to me 7 years ago but I ran away a day after saying yes and left him with a note and the ring. I never heard for about him for 7 years and that made it all harder. I heard the name James and my heart lit up. It had been 3 days since he ran the opposite way into the horde. I caught a glimpse of Duffy fighting a mass of them off through the fence. I saw a dark navy blue T-shirt through the fence as ran toward him and my heart died just a little more as I saw the rotting body of the man I once loved.
“Wait!” I yelled to Duffy as I saw the pointed tipped stick pointed towards James. Duffy faltered as I got closer. “Julie. Go inside! You shouldn’t see this.”
“No! Just let me do it!”
“Juliet. Go inside now!” said Duffy and when I didn’t he finally said, “Fine.”
I watched as in slow motion he shoved the stick through the fence and into James’s rotting skull. I let out a cry as James fell to the ground and I fell with him. Thinking of all the times I had hurt him and wishing I could hold him just one more night. I ran back to my own cabin and grabbed my handgun. I ran back to Duffy. He stared at the barrel of my gun as he fell to his knees.
“You don’t have to do this”
Tears welled up and stung my eyes. I breathed deeply, aiming the handgun at his skull.
“Yes. I do”
Duffy
I was finally going to do it. I was going to ask her. I was going to ask Juliet if she would run away with me. I have wanted to ask her since the day I was her. Her eyes are like two lakes that just keep me looked in with her gaze. The day I meet her was the day that we first came in contact with the walkers. Then she was proposed to by James one day. I don’t want to tell this to anyone but I was happy when she came to me and said that she did not want to do this. Yet 7 years later she will still not run away with me. I don’t know why but that girl really confuses me.
That is when she came to me crying.”I just saw him.”
“Who,” I asked so confusedly.
“I saw James” She sobbed
“Where? Do you want me to go find him?” I was starting to understand her now. She had two guys that she loved and she doesn't know what to do. The one who she thought was the one. And there was me. The one who was there through all of her pain of leaving him to her little sister being killed by the walkers. I knew I had to do something.
“There is nothing we can do he was running toward at least a hundred walkers there is no way that he made it out of there. He gave himself, I only wish I knew why.” She said through the sobs.
That is when the alarm went off.
“You stay here I am going to go see what is going on out there.” Then I just left. I left her standing there all alone and that was the hardest thing I will ever have to do. That is when I saw him. I knew that if he ever was alive he would be a threat to my relationship with Juliet. I was about to stab him but that is when I saw her out of the corner of my eye.
Then she yelled, ”Wait”
“No! Just let me do it!”I could not let her see this.“Juliet. Go inside now!”
“You can’t do that to me or him”
“Fine” That is when I thrust my stick forward and it went right through his head. His rotting nasty head. When I went over to her she was on her knees. Then with a sudden burst of movements, she stood up and went to her cabin. When I finally realized what she had gone to get I fell to my knees. “You don’t need to do this”
Tears welled up in her eyes and I knew that this was very hard for her. I know that I should not feel relieved but I am glad that she is going to do this. I am ready to let go of the dangers that are ahead and the dangers that are to come, but I am not ready to let go of her.
“Yes. I do” Was the last thing I heard.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Helllooooo. It's Cate here to give a review.
So...I thought the story was good. And for a young teen this is amazing, I was never this good at 14. I do though have to point out in the beginning when you started it with, "When James had turned I was sick." It should have been...
When James had turned, I was sick. (Add that comma) Over all the story was really good. I have to leave my house so I have to cut this review short. Sorry for that. I am excited about this story, please write more!
Keep Writing~ !CATE!
Hey there!
ZOMBIES! I have a real sorta soft spot for zombies, even though I'm really not into gore lately! They're just so creepy- and there's always that opportunity to really pull at people's heart strings by turning a Main Character's friend/family member/loved one into a zombie, and then, forcing them to kill them. ;-; It's so tragic and horrible but makes for a great story! Your story was just that- tragic and heart wrenching!
However, I think there's some details that could be improved upon. One thing I noticed was that in the opening paragraph, quite a few names are thrown in there! Beginnings of stories can be really scary and confusing for readers because we're trying to get to know new characters, the setting, and understand what the story is about. So when a whole bunch of characters, settings, and general information are being introduced right away in a piece, it can be really confusing! Who's Veronica? Who's Duffy? Who's James? And more importantly, who's the main character? We don't know very much about these people, except that they're in a love triangle and the zombie apocalypse is upon them!
I think the best way to fix this, if you ask me, is simply: slow down a bit. Take some time to let the characters shine through, and let us get to know them naturally. The story feels a bit rushed in general- so I think slowing down would help things out a ton. Remember to include what your characters are feeling, when they're smelling, tasting, hearing- all those things can really pull the reader into the story and give us a better understanding of everything!
Another thing I wanted to mention is that I found this part kinda confusing! I can't tell if the MC is going to kill Duffy or... James? I know Duffy... jabbed a stick through James's skull but it seems odd for the MC to want to kill Duffy after that... because she knew it was the right thing to do... So I feel like she maybe was coming to put James out of his misery if the stick wasn't quite doing it. But then, Duffy is acting like he's about to die sort of? So. But it's really confusing because even though, sure, the MC loved James and didn't want him to die, she also supposedly loved Duffy and I don't think her first reaction to Duffy killing the zombie edition of James, is to kill Duffy. It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me and doesn't feel very real. So the ending didn't feel super clear to me.
I think it might help if you take a bit more time to let us get to know these characters. For all I know the MC does have other good reasons to kill Duffy. But we really don't know! I really think this story would benefit from being a bit longer- so that we can really get to know the characters- which will also make us 100 times more sad when James and/or Duffy dies.
In any case, awesome job! I hope to see more of your work around! C:
-Holysocks
Hello! Ash here for a review...
I didn't notice many things wrong with this. In fact, it was amazing, and I loved the whole piece. You really do know how to catch a person's interest. So to that, I give you a great job, and I would definitely give you a sticker if I had any.
One thing I noticed, was in the beginning sentence, "After James had turned I was sick." You forgot to put that necessary comma after "turned".
Another small minor thing would be a period you missed in a quoted sentence. "You don’t have to do this” Along within this sentence “Yes. I do”
Another comma had been missing from this sentence as well, "I don’t want to tell this to anyone but I was happy" Right after anyone.
Along with another comma and period in this sentence, “I saw James” She sobbed"
And the last I noticed was the use of a comma. "He gave himself, I only wish I knew why." where a comma doesn't need to be. It is better to use maybe a period or a semicolon on that part.
Other than that, there are a few places I noticed you were missing commas and periods.
But it was a beautiful piece and I wish you a happy holiday!
Sincerely,
Ash