I wish for you a Thousand years of joy,
Every moment in your life you fully enjoy.
May infinite souls get united to help you,
And There always be one who deeply loves you.
You get surrounded by folks who widely share,
And angels who spread their wings in your care.
When you are weak , to approach you may all evil have a fear,
For someone is strong to defend you from each tear.
May you always have a hand to hold,
Someone to keep you warm when your days are cold.
And if there comes a day when you stand alone,
May you be the star that is brightly shone.
May all your narrow lanes become roads broad,
I write this in hope it gets answered by god!!
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey, EverWinter here to review your poem!
You have a great style and your word choice is great. The different fonts are screwing with me though. Formatting problems.
The other thing, you could really expand on this poem by stating why this person deserves the happiness you wish them. But make sure it's not "You are a kind soul/ You make my life bright/ You are the answer to my prayers/ You are the stars in the night" because thats just cheesy.
I think you did an excellent job. But I want to give you a piece of advice I love giving people. Look at your poem and assign it a color. Colors are associated with emotion (red is anger, yellow is joy, etc) and so when you write to make your poem a specific color, you end up writing with more emotion than usual. I love doing it, it's a great exercise.
Overall, good job and can't wait to read more of your works!
EverWinter
I'd like to start off by saying that this poem is absolutely beautiful in every way imaginable and that I sincerely adore it. I love the way that you emphasized important or meaningful parts by enlarging or bolding the text. This poem definitely shows how much you care for whomever this is written about and that's lovely. I rate it 10/10 <3.
Thank You so much for this great encouragement ! I am happy that you liked it.
Hello there, Sam29!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^
I would like to start off by saying, welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying your stay here, and if you haven't already, I suggest checking out the welcome mat/forums. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me or a person in green/red/black for help! ^-^
So I'm going to touch a little bit more on the rhyme, from another perspective, as a contradiction to the previous reviewer. However, feel free to take either advice. We're here to help /you/, after all.
I'm personally not a fan of the rhyme scheme. I'm usually not a fan of rhyme scheme in general, unless the author can really pull it off. My reasoning behind this being that not all poetry needs to rhyme. This tends to get stuck in people's heads very often, and it's simply not true. Another reason being that it takes away the author's freedom in their writing. What I mean by this is that you've become constricted to a certain set of words, which have to rhyme. Every word has a rhyme, but not every rhyming word is the word that you're looking for. This could get in the way of how an author really wants to convey emotions, use of imagery, etc. etc. I usually suggest to drop the rhyme, and start over. Try and make the poem a little stronger to see what you could do without the rhyme.
Here, you tried to rhyme the two same words. Try to be original. I'm not sure if in rhyme you can really do that, but then again, I personally don't really use rhyme.
Assuming this poem is in reference to Christianity, and you're addressing a specific god (in this case, God) I'd capitalize it. I also suggest taking out one of the exclamation points. One of them is enough.
You slightly toyed around with formatting in you words, but this doesn't really seem to serve a purpose. If it doesn't, I'd just take this out. If it does mean something, I'm curious as to what it is.
That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope my review helped you out, and have a great day! ^-^
Thanks for the review. I have actually been writing all these a few months back thus there still are obvious mistakes which I couldn't figure out myself, I have joined YWS for this sole reason so as it may help me to write better.
I will also work hard to write a poem which does not rhyme as till now most my poems are rhyming. Thanks once again.
Heya, Sam29! Welcome to YWS!! Anyway, this is Casanova here for a review, and feel free to message me if you ever want to talk, need a review, or need advice! I'm always here to help!
Anyway, to the review!
The first thing I noticed was this is a rhyming poem, so I'm going to treat it like I would one of my own.
In these two lines-
You rhyme,"you," with,"you." I would say trying something different.
Alright, the next thing.
This line makes little sense. What are the people around you,"sharing?" You could have completed this thought, but it seems as if you cut it off for rhyme purposes. I would suggest either cutting out a strict rhyme scheme, or find something else to rhyme with here. Either way, I think this could benefit from it.
The next thing.
This is strictly just for rhyme purposes, obviously. The whole flow, tone, and feel of this sounded completely off and put me off of this line. I could do without it, personally, but I think you could reformat it, but you'll drop the rhyme if you do. An example of this is-
May evil have fear when you approach, when you are weak.
Or something like this, this line is a bit confusing.
This seems like a personal God, not a god of a Greek mythology or something. I'd say capitalize it if so, you're supposed to in that case.
I hope this helps at least a bit!
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on!
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Thanks a lot !! this advice will surely help me for the betterment of my poems.