What a perfect time for it to rain.
The dark clouds pouring water all over the city seems like a reflection of my heart pouring out every bit of sadness there is.
I feel chocked.
Unable to breathe.
Is it possible to feel like that in the middle of an open pavement?
Yes,if you’re heart has been broken into uncountable,immeasurable pieces.
And the rain,oh,the rain makes it all the more worse.
It still hasn’t sunk in,even if half an hour has passed by since she left.
Is it over so soon?
I thought we had a chance.
I thought..I thought maybe we could pull this off.
After all,this isn’t the first time that we had disagreed on anything,right?
How wrong I was.
How very wrong.
She had other plans.She couldn’t handle a relationship and her career,she said.
It was all too much,she said.
So,one had to go.
I had to go.
Easy commodity,could be found again in another form.
How dumb of me.
How absolutely..delusional of me to think..that this was it.
But then again.
I am the one getting drenched in the rain.
I am the one who got washed over.
I am the one,left alone.
The rain still kept pouring.
I looked up at the source of the neverending fountain,seeking some form of explaination.
The rain beat harder in reply.
My feet wouldn’t move,they were rooted to the ground,as if they were waiting for something to happen.
Waiting for her to come back,admit it was all wrong,and that we should be together.
I wish I could tell them somehow that it was far from reality,but then again-
I knew I wished for that too.
I stood there.
Looking on at the rain.
Hopeless as ever.
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140,301 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
Hey there!
I really liked this, but I am not really sure what to call it. I mean, you listed it as a short story but it read more like a poem. I know there are epic poems, like Don Quixote. But epic poems tell more stories than metaphors and such, like poems have hidden within them. I just feel that this reads better as a poem, just a free-form poem. Just because it's long and doesn't follow a pattern, doesn't mean it can't be a poem. Also your piece does seem to have a story within it's lines, it just reads like a poem.
It's really good for a poem, but it just doesn't go along the lines of a short story.
Anyways, there was only a couple lines that I thought were unnecessary because they're technically repeating what the other just said.
" I feel chocked.
Unable to breathe."
Although it works with the flow of the poem, it would be just as good without one or the other.
Great job otherwise and next time, just think twice about what you are classifying this as.
-Jadefox
i like it. although i feel that it not a short story when i was reading it i felt like i wanted to read it out loud like poem.
I like how you've incorporated the rain into this a lot. A tad cliche, but what isn't by now.
I would say that the piece reads more like a poem in free verse than a short story. For one, there doesn't seem to be a plot? It's just rambling really. The character is rambling about his lost love who, for reasons unknown, has left and he's standing in the rain thinking about it. There's not really much else left to it.
There were a couple of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, and I would point them out, but I don't know how to use the quote function...
Overall, I can't say that this piece moved me as much as it hoped it would. There just wasn't enough for me to emotionally invest into the character as a short story. As a poem, there would be a lot of room to grow but it could be one. But not as a story, in my opinion.
Thanks for taking the time out to review !
Yes,it was a midnight ramble really,got up in the middle of the night to write it because I just HAD to get it out.
And I just realized all the typos I managed to incorporate into this piece:\
But again ,thank you!
First I'll give you the bad.
"I feel chocked.
Unable to breathe." maybe instead of using the full stop you could have written it like this:
"I feel chocked,
Unable to breathe." Cause I think it's quite understandable that when you're chocked you can't breath.
"Yes,if you’re heart has been broken into uncountable,immeasurable pieces. You should leave spaces after the comma's, it becomes, I guess more, At least according to me more comfortable to read. You've done this in many places, just read it again and you'll see.
"It still hasn't sunk in,even if half an hour has passed by" I guess half an hour is just thirty minutes since you've broke up with her, so it's not that big bang how about instead of half an hour you used hour. It sixty minutes. And an hour seems like a long, if that was what you were going for.
Instead of
"Waiting for her to come back,admit it was all wrong,and that we should be together." To add more effect you could have written :
"Waiting for her to come back, waiting for her to admit it was all wrong and that we should be together."
The good was it's kind of hard to put emotion in, when writing but what you've written seems like it's a piece of cake. If you were aiming to make the girl like a villain or something that people would hate or disliked you've achieved it, I don't like her. Your piece had a lot of emotion and it was fluid and swift. All together it was good!
Take care of those little things and you'll be alright!
Write Always!
-BlackStallion
Good job! Just a few tiny mistakes:
*Yes, if *your heart has been broken into uncountable, immeasurable pieces.
And the rain, oh, the rain makes it all the more worse.
It still hasn’t sunk in, even if half an hour has passed by since she left. (your instead of you're, spaces after commas)
*My feet wouldn’t move, they were rooted to the ground, as if they were waiting for something to happen.
Waiting for her to come back, admit it was all wrong,and that we should be together.
I wish I could tell them somehow that it was far from reality, but then again- (spaces after commas)
There are other lines where spaces need to follow the commas, but you get the idea. Other than that, it was filled with real emotion, which is sometimes difficult to convey in writing. Good work. =)