When I took the pass to go to the counselor
he told me to tell him everything
so I did
I told him about the ups and downs
the ins and outs
why in Ms. Rickett's class, instead of lab, I chose instead to experiment with myself
I've never understood chemistry
but I decide to show up everyday
because I don't have a scalpel at home
Slim. Sharp. Important.
in all of its sleek, silver beauty contains
my radioactive desires
I spend those fifty minutes a day
tracing elements on the periodic table with a finger
S, Am...
but IT doesn't need to tell me
that I can't be the same
See I don't have a chemical formula
I don't come in set ratios
because if I did, I wouldn't feel sad seven and a half times more often than happy
I can't help but envy those chemicals
unlike them, I don't "naturally" find equilibrium
Ms. Ricketts says some chemicals are lucky enough to be amphoteric
Both acidic and basic
Maybe I am too. Sometimes sour sometimes bitter.
Just not so lucky.
Chemistry
Instead, I'm permanently at my boiling point
constantly shifting states
and I'm always on end
(sort of like your hair when you touch those metal balls at the museum)
I imagine that electrons would be easier on the veins,
but if it was easy, it wouldn't be chemistry
he tells me not to feel this way
that I have the world in the palm of my hands
but I look every day, especially in Chemistry
and I've never found it there
so he tells me to dig deeper
find it in myself
and now I think I understand
Tomorrow when I go to chemistry
when I'm alone with my desires
I'll know to dig deeper
Maybe that's what the scalpel is really for
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hey! Just Jaylin here coming to leave a review. I honestly loved your poem. It was rather clever to compare life to chemistry. I am not very good at science but somehow I understood your point and loved it! Your word choice was also amazing! I think my favorite part of the poem is where you state " I don't "naturally" find equilibrium". That was a powerful part in the poem and really showed struggle to me. I have a few complaints but overall you demolished this poem! One of my critiques of this poem is the lack of proper closings to a stanza. Make sure when you are closing a stanza you use punctuation marks (, ; . ? ! etc). Also, make sure you start each new stanza with a capital letter. I believe that is all my critiques of your poem but you did fantastic. If this is only your first dwindle in dark poetry I would suggest you dwindle in it much more. You showcased your strength in this genre of writing with this poem. Keep up the good work!
I will definitely try to clarify the punctuation. Thank you for your review and kind words!
Hey !!
Ejay here for a review ...
I am no judge in poetry . Especially dark poetry so , don't rely on my review too much ... I think this was pretty nice you know , like in the way you presented it and all ... very appeasing . Keep it up . You wrote about a subject that I am not very fond of , so I can relate to the emotions in your poem pretty well ... Overall , It is a good read . But , I liked your poem " Elegy of a Dream" better ...
Cheers !!
Thank you for reading and reviewing!
Heyo, it's Braiden here for another review on Review Day!
Okay, first of all, I usually have a very balanced position on reading dark poems and rather light and happy poems. This was obviously one of the times when I was reading a dark poem, and I really really loved it. I loved all the alluding you did to chemistry in general, with the different terms and metaphors.
This poem was really well-written, and I did not see any grammatical errors. If there was any flight all, it was completely unnoticeable to me because of the beautiful flow of your words.
Overall, this was a fantastic poem and I may follow you once Review Day is over and I'm not in a rush to get as many points as possible LOL.
Keep writing, because you are fantastic at it!
~Braiden
Thank you for the kind words and the review!
Hey!
This is a really good poem!
I love science poetry and narrative poetry and this combines the best with the best! Really fantastic job, I must say.
Honestly, I don't have a lot to complain about. So everything I say is mostly just me trying to make the poem fit to what I want it to be. It's up to you if you agree with me or no.
You should probably take a look at your punctuation. You have it in places but not in others. It's generally good to be consistent with that kind of thing. Take a second look at the punctuation and really think about what exactly you want out of it. Punctuation (or lack thereof) in poetry is important! It tells you where to break and clarifies the sentences that might have two meanings without punctuation.
Also, the story itself is a little vague. I mean, all the words you say are very concrete and narrative and specific (like, wow, actually naming the science teacher? nothing screams narrative and specific like that), but I'm still a little unsure as to the meaning of this. What's the narrator's problem? They're obviously struggling with something. i thought it was going to be a self-harm poem at the beginning, and it sorta hearkened to that at the very end, but the middle didn't really seem to be about that at all. I feel like this poem has something to do with mental health, but I'm not exactly sure what it is. But if that's true, I like this poem even more. I'd like it even if it was a self-harm poem, even though I really hate those kinds because they're always so cliche. This is not cliche in the slightest. It's so original, and I love it to bits.
Keep writing! you have a lot of talent!
let me know if you have any questions, and I hope this review helped!
~fortis
Thank you so much for the review! It was specifically a mental health poem but I added the self harm aspect as an emphasis on the pain the character is feeling. I will definitely focus more on the punctuation!
Hello there and welcome to YWS! I'm here to review your lovely poem! In the description you explained that you were testing a new style of writing. I, personally, love the kind of gothic writing that isn't too overly graphic. You execute (no pun intended) this style admirably. Despite the variations in line length, it has a nice flow. The chemistry examples you use are quite nice, especially for chem nerds like myself. You use figurative language very well especially in context to chemistry. I would suggest putting more description, imagery, and feeling into it. The mood is more melancholy, but beyond the character of the poem. I can feel traces of it in the tone. Get into the poem! Enjoy it! I would also like to see more punctuation. Periods would elevate the flow. There are also a few places where capitalization could be fixed. I would advise just going over the technical elements once more. This poem has good framework that could be woven into a story tapestry. My advice is to spend a little more time with this and run with your ideas. It's very lovely poem. I encourage you to try on different styles until you carve out one that you can call your own. I would be thrilled to see what else you write!
Feel free to ask me for help with anything and keep writing!
-thecolorofthesky
Thank you for the review!