Restaurant

Hi there! To start with, I believe the title is really cool because it is quite simplistic yet intriguing - which is why I clicked on this to start with. Also, I think it's admirable how a lot of this story is dialogue - I think if it's used in the right way it can have great impact so keep that up .
However, there are lots of things I would improve - not meaning to offend - only to advise. First of all, the punctuation and capital letters are lacking in this - and they are essential. For instance, when peoples names are mentioned - you must always put capital letters because that's just the way it is!

Also - elipsis- being the "..." - you only use three dots - not any more than that because that's just another thing sorry to tell you XD..

Finally, there's a lot of description that you could of included to really grip the audience but you didn't put it in! You could of described the restaurant or the characters facial features, or characteristics to really build up an image for the reader.

Within what you've written, I can see you just tend to state things. For instance, you've said "John died"... this is clearly stating the obvious - I think, what you need to do is build up more tension rather than always stating the obvious. I was taught a trick, that you should always describe what you see rather than say the obvious... Like, if the man died... you wouldn't just say "he died" - you'd describe sort of how it happened... so maybe... "The man's eyes fluttered as he fell backwards off his chair" or something like that?

Also - don't put "THE END" at the end - just make sure the description in the story makes the ending seem definite - that's key.

Sorry to criticize so much but I seriously hope I can help you - I'm sure if you keep working at it you'll improve by miles and then your story will be the best! So yeah, keep it up because this plot line, and title etc has real potential and you just need to tweek some things to get it where it needs to be

Hey, sag. Here's a review for your work.

First of all, the plot is really interesting, i really enjoyed it. I like the title. Sounds cut out for the story. and, really, i mean, this was so realistic. and kind of unexpected too, the last part where John dies and only Nathan lives. And the ingenious conspiracy of Nathan to kill two birds at a time and with the same stone. XD I get the feeling that Nathan made the bear come late so that both Harry and John die and he gets out without even making his hands dirty. Nice play

The next - your writing. Umm, i don't think i found out any grammatical mistake. but yeah, there's a lot of lacking in the story. I don't mean to hurt you or anything, but, for the sake of your own good, for the sake of improvement of your writing, i must criticize, pal.

like i said, the story lacks a lot of things. proper description. well, when we read a story, we imagine a scene. it's like watching a movie in our head. and that's why a story needs to give the readers a situation, a place, a time and their description.

for your story, the reader requires the description or the image of the restaurant i.e. about the other customers there, the waiters, the desk their sitting at, or at least a clock or watch where they were seeing the time. etc. and you could add more if you wanted. you could add less, too.

but adding was really very important. without these descriptions, i had a feeling that the whole plot was moving too fast and the readers would not get anything to grasp at. like - "yeah, this is happening, then that, then that.. and nothing else" - but in real life, things won't go like this, would they? while waiting in a restaurant, you would look around, won't you?

those descriptions would make the piece more real.

yeah, it would make the writing long..but, you have to grab the readers, right?

also, it's a serious situation. but where are the expressions of the characters? you put some there.. but still not enough.

besides, if there was a killing going on in a restaurant, wouldn't others around react?? there was no reaction in there!! that was the most absurd thing in your story. i mean, the thing just happened but the whole world seemed to be all silent about it. and from the reading, i got that harry was an actor. so, wouldn't it be a news??

well, let the news be ignored. at least, make it happen somewhere so that the whole thing remains a secret to the world. that would make sense, right?


that would be all. i think, you can write well. there's definitely potential in you. all you have to do is think a bit deeper. get into the plot. close your eyes and imagine the plot happening in front of you. or you can even make yourself a character and imagine it. then it will slowly slowly become more real and you won't have these flaws in your story anymore.

also, try to be a bit slower. while writing, the slower, the better. don't rush! rushing will only make the piece worse.

i hope that the review was of help. if you ever need any help, talk to me. or PM me. ^-^

and pls don't be hurt for all these criticism.

Hi I'm Ash and I am here to review!

Okay so this is the first thing I noticed.You forgot to capitalize certain names and words throughout.For example you wrote "john" instead of John. Simple mis-capitalization. That is easy to fix.

Another thing that annoyed me was "He was panicked". It should have been "he panicked" or do not write that at all.

Also the dialogue seems a bit forced. Would you talk like that? Would your mom? Your dad? Your boss? Anyone around you?

Overall I liked this plot of the story and I liked the idea of it. However try to be more descriptive and be a bit more realistic.And be sure to look at everything else.

PS: This is your first post yes, just with some practice you will get better!Because trust me, my first one was absolutely terrible.But yours is not that bad!Have a great day!