Forgiveness

Why did I do it? I didn't really understand my stupid underlying reasons. They were all pointless in the end. The things I had done couldn't be justified with excuses. I could do nothing to change the past. All the things in the past would continue to haunt me to the day I died. And the worst part was I could blame no one but myself. I didn't learn from mistakes and I only just followed in the footsteps of a monstrosity that was nothing of a man. I learned the bad things. I took in the wrong messages and I ended up doing the one thing I vowed all my life never to do. What was I to do about it now? I had destroyed a pure, gentle thing. Something that shouldn't have been tainted like it had. It was my fault. I had no good reasons, only stupid ones. I couldn't blame it on him, I could have been different but I wasn't. I did the same.

Why couldn't I have learned differently? Why couldn't the good things have stuck and not the disastrous?

I looked down at the little form of a beautiful girl hunched over and curled into a ball. Her small arms were wrapped around her knees and pressed to her chest. Her shallow breathing was the only thing I could hear and it terrified me. Her tiny frame was trembling and her soft brown hair was sticking to the sweat that had formed on her forehead and neck. She didn't look at me and kept her gaze to the ground. I watched as the tears rolled down her pink cheeks and onto her jean covered knees.

The world around me had stopped at the site. Another broken woman because of my family. First my mother, whom my father had so destroyed that she had hanged herself in the attic when I was a boy. And now here I stood, yet another result of a line of destroyers. But unlike my father and the men in the family before him, I could see what I had done. I could accept the fact that I was a cruel piece of shit who didn't deserve the ground that this beautiful creature walked on.

The same went with my mother. She was a gentle woman. She always put others before herself and never stood against the men in her life. That's what made her a target. She and my father married and he began to drink and abuse her. She never left and he never apologized.

Lily was the same. Something drew me to her. Maybe it was her baby blue eyes or the way her smile could light up a room. She wasn't popular, and was in fact far from it. She's kind and is always there for other people. I don't know why I started picking on her. It's been about 6 months since I started doing it and since then her smile and her eyes have fading in liveliness and she's lost so much weight. I started to see the happiness she always wore about her fade away and evolve into fear and pain. I watched her walking down the halls by herself and I wanted nothing more than to walk with her an entwine our fingers. I wanted to hold her and take back every word I had said.

Why had I said those things to her? The entire time all I ever wanted to do was make her laugh and see her smile. But every time it spoke a single word to her, it was hurtful, downgrading, cruel, evil, vicious, vile, the list could go on. It was almost like I desperately wanted to do good things for her but something in my mind snapped and I would hurt her in some way? Maybe that was how my father was. He wanted to do good for my mother but he couldn't. I didn't understand. I couldn't ask him either. Maybe one day when I joined him in hell I would bring it up.

I couldn't stand the sight anymore. I dropped to my knees in front of her, ignoring the world around us. I reached my hand up and gently went to touch her arm. I watched her tense up as my hand neared her. The pounding in my chest could be heard miles away but the trembling of her upper lip was all I could see. The tears on her face started to fall faster and faster until she was sobbing again in the little corner she was pressed into. She raised her head and looked me straight in the eyes.

"N-no," she choked out, moving her arm from my reach. "No more. Don't hurt me, please."

I dropped my hand and sat back on my feet, watching her still. The tears were starting on the corners of my eyes and the lump in my throat was growing.

"I'm sorry, Lily."

Still, she continued to sob. I couldn't take it. The way her breaths came out strained and terrified. Her hands moved from around her knees to cover her ears. She was drowning me out.

She was saying something under her breath. I couldn't hear what it was but I knew it was bad.

I moved the littlest bit closer and strained to hear the words that fell past her lips.

"Worthless," she whimpered. "So worthless."

My breath caught in my throat. She was whispering the one word I had repeated to her at least a hundred times.

Worthless.
Worthless.
Worthless.

No, no, no. What have I done? My heart shattered into a million pieces. She believes me. No, this can't be real.

I could feel the pain spreading throughout my entire body. My mind was made up, I had to do something to show her how wrong I was.

I gently grabbed her arm and ignored how heavily she had flinched. She struggled to get out of my grip but I refused to let up. I held her arm and slowly and gently slipped an arm around her waist. I lifted her with ease and placed her small, fragile body in my lap. I wrapped my arms around her and pressed my face into her neck. I refused to sit here like the asshole I am. I'm going to fix this. I need to fix this.

She still sat crying and she was tense in my arms. I held her tighter but not so it hurt, just so she knew it was okay.

"You're not worthless, Lily," I whispered in her ear. "There need to be more people like you in this world."

I moved away from her ear and brought one hand up to her cheek. Her skin was so soft and my heart swelled when she didn't push me away. I brushed away the tears with the pad of my thumb.

"You're perfect, Lily. This is all my fault. You're worth more than half the people on this whole damn planet. Including me. You don't deserve the things I've done to you." She finally looked up at me with her blue eyes and everything in me broke.

A sob tore through my lips. I held her closer, I needed to make sure she was okay.

"I've destroyed you Lily. Fuck, I'm so sorry for this. You didn't deserve this and I'm a piece of shit for doing this to you." Broken sobs threatened to break through me, but I continued. "You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met and now look at what I've done. I've ruined you. I've fucking ruined you." I ran my hands slowly down her arms in comfort.

"I've been watching, Lily. I know you haven't been eating. I've watched you walk down the halls all by yourself. I see the way you barely speak and how you never smile. And it's all my fucking fault-"

I pressed my face to her neck and let the guilt and fear overtake me as I sobbed. It felt good to get this out. But Lily sat still in my lap, pressed to my chest. She hadn't moved and it seemed her tears had stopped falling. I realized then I could never make this better, no matter how hard I tried. All the things I had said and done to her were forever etched into her mind and there was no taking them back.

Negativity was all that was on my mind, because I knew the consequences that I had to take. This wasn't the first time I'd see this happen. But now, at this specific moment, it was my doing and not my father's.

I was ready to give up and pull away until she finally moved.

One of her hands grabbed a handful of my shirt and held me. The other went around my neck and her fingers entwined in my hair.

I gasped in surprise when I felt her turn her head to whisper in my ear.

"I'll never forget," she said softly, her voice still strained from her tears. My breath hitched as I waited for her to continue. "But, I forgive you."

My heart leaped in my chest. I could feel the happiness grow and I tightened my hold on her, wanting to never let go.

And that's when I remembered I was not my father, and I vowed never to make the same mistakes ever again.