Let My People Stay

I don't know. I felt early on like this was trying to make me angry, and in return, I got angry at it. Hamas, yeah, that's bad. They won, yeah, that sucks. I feel bad for everyone caught up in that terrible cyclone. But feeling anger at anything that happens there is absolutely, absolutely horrible, because it begets more bloodshed. Maybe I read into this wrong. I probably did. But that's why I didn't like it.

i thought this was beautiful, but sad at the same time.

I especially like the reference to Moses. i'm a christian so i know the story pretty well - correct me if i'm wrong but weren't the two faiths almost the same before the new testament? in the way that we have the same moses story, etc.

i agree with whoever said about footnotes: i learnt about judaism at school in R.E. but i can't really remember everything...

i might be wrong but isn't it 'hysterically'? (verse 10)

here are some of my favourite bits:

I remember vividly the salty breeze from the sea
and swimming in the ocean after school
and the golden yellow sun
relflecting off its crystaline waters

and...

orange clad men cry to God
"Why have you forsaken us?"
I emulate Moses, screaming
LET MY PEOPLE STAY

what is 'Gush Katif'? i've never heard this before...

also what is 'masada'? and 'meuzzin'?

keep it up!

~KayJuran~

the first few stanzas were beautifully written, but then you changed styles. it was no less than before, merely different. your descriptiveness and tantalizing imagery faded, and it became a story, rather.... i loved your research, though, and that fed into the poem. (thank you also, for explaining the tearing of the shirts.) very true, very sad.... the ending...ehh, i'm not sure if i liked it but i can't pinpoint it so i suppose i won't complain.

Wow. This made you feel like you knew the land, and loved it yourself. It's late, so I can't critique it properly. I'll be sure to come back.

Loved the first stanza! Stirred empathy without being too extreme.
You obviously take pride in your heritage/nationality. Admirable! Your poem here relates strong patriotism.
BUT not everyone is familiar with some Jewish terms/traditions. It may be a good idea to include a few more footnotes explaining Meuzzin, HAMAS, bar-mitzvahed, Gush Katif...
Your rhyme scheme/rhythm is erratic, irregular. Outside of that and some spelling errors, I loved it.
Good job sabradan

-Amice-

I like the way you conveyed your feelings into this poem, and the words you chose were well-chosen.

Good work..

LET MY PEOPLE STAY
There is a place
on the Mediteranean
where I learned to walk, run and ride
where I experienced love, loss and life => Awesome, good flow, I understood
Here I was born, and here I will die, the meaning and was able to picture
it will always be my home the scene.

I remember vividly the salty breeze from the sea => maybe try “the salty sea in
and swimming in the ocean after school the breeze” or “the salty
and the golden yellow sun sea breeze,” etc.
relflecting off its crystaline waters => “reflecting off the crystalline waters”

Here I celebrated holidays
and stumbled home on purim
had my first kiss in the orchards => “Here I had my…”
with the one that got away
Here I buried my older brother
and when I did => Maybe try to fit these last 3 lines into 2
Everyone tore their shirts with me*

I wanted to start a family here
but I can't anymore => Instead maybe, “But now I can’t”
soon my home of 20 years
will be nothing but a pile of rubble
thanks to "Steamroller Sharon"

Now it goes to our enemies
the Meuzzin calls,
God is great! Victory to HAMAS!
As people pack their belongings
tears contorting their faces in pain

The soldiers come, but not to kill our enemies
but to give them land, our land!
And orange clad mass => “An orange clad mass”
yelling and screaming
YEHUDI LO MIGARESH YEHUDI
A JEW DOESNT EXPEL A JEW!
Converge on the gates to meet them => “Converging on the gates…”
the older people lift up their sleeves
revealing numbers => Very powerful imagery!
while youth scream insults

Soldiers break up the mob
make arrests
WE ARENT TERRORISTS!

At the synogogue we make our own masada
orange clad men cry to God
"Why have you forsaken us?"
I emulate Moses, screaming => Very Good!
”LET MY PEOPLE STAY”

Some soldiers drag us
kicking and screaming out
others cry and tear their uniforms*
tears streaking their strong, proud faces

The women scream
"This is our home! We have nowhere else!"
As they are led away from their homes
weeping histerically, tugging their hair => hysterically

But its all for naught
the greenhouses stand empty
the homes are now abandoned
temples, schools, and shops have
not a soul in sight
We have been cleared out
for a peace that will never come

And what will become of
Our beautiful temple, where I was bar-mitzvahed?
the fields I harvested all my life?
the greenhouses, full of plants, I helped to build=> Maybe take “I helped to build”
with my own two hands? off the 1st line and turn
And what of our huge library and our great schools? the next line into “We built
What will become of them? with our own hands”

We don't know, and neither do they => Maybe take “about” off on line 2
and nobody but us cares about and then make the last 2 lines into
what will become of a question, “What will become of
My beloved Gush Katif my beloved Gush Katif?”

Wonderful poem, not only very moving, but also pretty structurally sound and fluid. You might want to revise your use of punctuation a bit in regard to the capitalization and periods, but otherwise it flowed very nicely. And like I said before, it is a very powerful piece of work with real imagery and emotion. It was a pleasure to read.
-Brooke (BamickAZ)