Published June 2, 2008
Holy crap, I've actually been writing lately! So here goes one of the poems I wrote.
A Still Life In Color
If you walk slowly enough
at the right time
of day
dusk and dawn are best--
usually
through the cramped, tiny
streets of Old Jerusalem
The City will play tricks on you
As the first, or last--depending
rays of sunlight
hit the buildings of old, Jerusalem
stone
bathing it in radiant light
the stones glow
washing the city in a
glorious golden-red hue
And if you stop and watch
or walk slowly enough
as you pass the old Arab market
or cross over the Via Dolorossa
or Pass under the arch of the ancient
Hurva Synagoge on your way to
David's Tower
And then onto the Kotel
The Western Wall
pr perhaps the New City and
Emek Refaim
Your eyes might trick you into thinking
that you are
witnessing not real life
but instead
a majestic
Still Life in Color
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I really enjoyed this. Great job showing rather than telling; your imagery is vivid and beautiful. I liked the sense of reverence you conveyed. I can relate- I live in Southeast Alaska and the landscape is stunning and essentially unspoiled. It often feels impossibly lovely, like you're in a painting.
The only thing that threw it off for me was the line breaks- why are they all funky? Sometimes creative formatting can add to a poem (especially e. e. cummings-esque poems) but it seemed out of place here.
Otherwise, good work. Keep it up! ^_^
For some positive feedback, I really liked this. I liked the wonder it possessed and the way it allowed me to picture the scenery and culture of Jerusalem.
I really appreciate the movement of the poem, but I felt like the lack of a common rhythm just took away from what it could have been. I suggest you work on making it clear to the reader how you want it to be read and sound.
Great poem as it is, though. Glad you submitted it.
Wow, way to be completely non-constructive. What are you talking about "other person saying"? There is no other person. And, just so you know, a critique is supposed to give constructive feed back not just "your poem is boring because I don't understand it"--do you have anything constructive to add? Or shall I just chalk it up as an immature child trying to be helpful? Also, just a breif thing...Jerusalem is much more than a religious site: it is a capital city of a modern, democratic country, just fyi.
*Yawns* oh, yeah, wait, okay, so your poem, it was confusing. I sense no whatever the other person said. Plus I'm tired and an suffering through English class right now, maybe that's why I need it to excite me. I don''t really have any idea what you are trying to say.......I don't get why there is that weird spacing in the beginning part. And there are TYPOS like this weird 'pr' thing before another word. I don't get it? It might be a little more interesting to someone with more of a religious interest, because you mentioned Jerusalum. (I don't know how to spell). But I don't know what I was expecting but it just baffled me as some black hole of things I am forced to read. Not exactly my area of interest, sorry.
1. Comma after line "bathing in radiant light", and make pr or.
2. Via Dolorosa.
3. Hmm, I feel like the capitalization of the last line breaks something.
I really love the motion of this poem. This poem has a different feel than some of your others. You have included Christian sites as well as some Arab in addition to the Jewish. And while you play emotion down in this particular poem, you have made the tone much more intimate and inviting.
I am very glad to see you back!