Hello! Pomp here to leave a quick review~
Welcome to YWS!
My first critique is going to be your handle on language. You have a masterful way of describing the narrator's surroundings, with lovely imagery, and it drew me in almost immediately.
It also immediately put me out, as a reader, because while your language is wonderful and smooth, it's like you're attempting to wedge a pot-plant between two bricks--sensory overload is not always a good thing. I'm really fond of description; it fascinates me to the extent that my writing rambles and I have to cut down on it. But while description is wonderful, there are also certain ways you can make it better and more ... inviting.
On images: I make this mistake a lot, but I really endorse making sure your images do not clash with one another. It's helpful if you find a point of similarity between two images, when you put them together, because then it's easier for the reader to build connections and not struggle so much to envision what you're telling them.
Also (and this pains me to write because it took me a long time to learn myself, but): too much description is never a good thing. Keep on the look-out for when description is a barrier for flow, instead of facilitating it,
A couple of pointers, description-wise:
Cars and street walkers, smothered by swollen down coats and stuffed, woolen gloves, pumped through the streets drowsily, lethargically, likeathick, rimy blood down through its ice-encrusted artery.
~ 1) Cut down on the adjectives. 2) Divide the sentence up into two or more.
~ On word-choice: I cannot picture cars and street walkers (why not just use pedestrians?) pumping along the street. The traffic, perhaps, can be compared to blood flowing down an artery, but the description just looks odd when it is attached to individual folks/things. Besides this, it is obvious that the people were draped in woollen coats, but the cars were not. The way the sentence is structured currently, however, appears to suggest this. I think the issue is in the juxtaposition; the images don't fit together. Also, and I'm not certain about this, but if blood is 'rimy', how can it pump through the streets? The image clashes too much for my taste.
Moving on, I think another issue I have is that you begin with story with somewhat of a background on the narrator, and what the narrator is doing, only to move on to an entirely description-dependent story that does not otherwise seem to stand on its own. As a work-in-progress, it's got the barebones of potential, but the real deal probably lies in the fact that you've focussed on our venue, on the worldbuilding, but nothing of significance actually happens.
A bit of advice: Consider all your readers to not have much of an attention span. Most people don't stick through blocky paragraphs filled to the brim with setting and scene, but no action. I think the piece, where it stands right now, is more of an experiment than an actual short story. It focusses on building on places, settings, appearances--not purposes, nor plot, not characterisation. As a short story, this lacks a beginning, middle, and end. It reads like a prologue without a hook. It reads like something that is, as yet, incomplete.
Complete the picture. Give it a story. Give it fire, give it passion, let it breathe. Right now, it's basically blood cells suspended in a centrifuge. Get that centrifuge whirring. Give your narrator and the characters aims; show some interaction. I want to feel like something has /changed/ by the time I finish the piece, whether that is an internalised change within the narrator themself, or a massive change that has to do with the plot. Figure things out--you can do it!
Let me know if you build on this/edit any time soon. I'll be glad to look it through for you~ You have a wonderful way of saying things; just focus on adding grit to the story.
Keep it up! Keep writing!
Hope this helped. PM me if you have any questions~
~Pomp c:
Points: 27
Reviews: 396
Donate