Published June 4, 2013
Hello guys, I would really love some feed back on this, I haven't finished yet but this is a lot of it. It's just a short story thats been rolling around in my head. Please, please, PLEASE comment :)
It was perfect; absolutely and completely perfect. I stepped back to study my creation. This deserved to be appreciated. It needed to awe someone other than just myself. Because yeah, it was just that amazing.
“Baby! Come in here a second please?” I heard a small crash, along with a light bulb shattering, and grumbling as my fiancé stepped off the ladder he had been standing on to make his way toward me.
His sand colored hair looked as it always did, as though he had just survived hurricane force winds and his hair was showcasing it. I lifted my hand up to try and fix it slightly, even though I knew it would do no good. I mean, way up too, seeing as how his tall lanky frame made his head a bit hard for me to reach.
“What did you need love?” I felt my lips curve into a smile as his husky voice made my heart flutter. I looked up at him loving the way his brown eyes were so full of love for me. It made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
“Well…first off a kiss would be-“ his lips covered mine before I could finish my sentence and I knew I was having what I liked to call a smiling kiss. Something that happened often to me, being so happy that you can’t stop smiling even while you’re trying to kiss your soul mate.
I felt my thoughts skitter around as he kissed me intently enough to cause my smile to fade so I could put a bit more effort into my present work, kissing him back.
I have to admit, I have to be like the luckiest girl in the world, like, ever. Period. No question about it. I mean, I sorta have everything I have ever been dreaming about. The love of my life holding me in his arms, my parents alive and happy, a good family, soon to be out of school with my dream job, and now, an absolutely adorable little home that I was to move into in just two short weeks. So, yeah, like I said, dream life. It’s ok to be a little jealous, possibly hate me for it.
I forced myself to gather my thoughts, which by the way, is not the easiest thing to do and remember the actual reason I had called him in here. I pulled away from his tasty kisses and jerked my head towards the wall.
“It’s perfect, is it not?” I asked him as I beamed about my success. That’s when it happened. The worst thing ever. He busted out laughing. I mean, he didn’t even try to hide it.
“Liz…” he got out between gasping for air and fits of laughter, “That has got to be the worst looking shelf” another laugh as he grabbed his stomach as though it hurt to laugh as hard as he was, “I have ever seen…in my whole life!”
I punched him in the arm and gave him a mean look.
“It is not!!!” I hollered as I scrunched my brow up and crossed my arms, looking every bit the miffed off five year old I was acting like.
“It’s beautiful. I worked so hard on that.” I stared at him with my mad face until he stopped laughing. It wasn’t funny to me. I had spent two hours working on that shelf. I could tell when he realized my feelings were hurt.
“Hey now, come’ere Lizzie.” I stepped into his open arms even though I was mad at him for being so mean.
“It’s not so bad, I’m sorry I laughed at ya baby” He whispered before he kissed my forehead. He ran his hands up and down my back giving me chills from his touch.
“It’s ok, I guess…” He kissed me again making sure I lost my train of thought and my anger. A certain familiar heat started to creep over me. I wanted a lot more than a kiss. I could see this getting away from us. Fast. I shoved his chest lightly making him lean and inch away from me.
“We have way too much to do today to start that!” I poked him in the chest as I spoke. He knew what he was doing. He put on his pouty face and I laughed as I stepped from his arms.
“You are no fun Lizzie. No fun at all.” I just snickered again as he mumbled under his breath. I stood on my tippie toes and kissed his cheek.
“I got to run to town babe, my parents will be here in a few minutes to help.” I ran my fingers over is stomach hooking my fingers in his waist band and tugging him to me. “But later…I’m all yours.”
I heard the chorus of goodbyes rang out from where my parents and fiancé where attempting to hang some photos. I threw open the door and hurried outside. The sunshine kissed my skin and I smiled at how good it felt. Spring was my favorite time of the year. Arkansas’s springs were beautiful, especially in Mena. Often when I looked at the trees I would swear that no green was the same.
I was still admiring the gorgeous day outside as I slid into my shiny new graduation present. A dark blue Dodge charger. Early of course. Like I said, perfect life.
Absentmindedly I buckled my seatbelt and cranked up my tunes on the radio. I drove very carefully down the old county road. I swear some of these pot holes could swallow a semi and I for sure was not taking my baby anywhere near those things. I soon made it to Hwy 88 and took off to the great big, booming town of Mean, Arkansas.
After dropping off mail at the little post office, paying my mom and dad’s electric bill, and donating a few old clothes to PCDC, I only had one more stop to make before I could escape town and get back home. Oh, I loved the sound of that, my own little home. Such a warm and safe place.
I slid into the closest parking spot I could find at the Arvest bank, which just happened to be the one right next to the door. I was still smiling at my good fortune as I pulled the door open and slipped inside.
“Morning Miss. Morgan, how is that fiancé of yours?” I waved at the elderly lady who spoke to me and moved to her line that was close to the furthest wall away from the door. She was our choir director at church and I had known her since I was a baby.
“Oh he is doing great Mrs. Kentsly, my parents and him are finishing some of the last touches to the house while I do errands. It’s looking amazing! I’m so excited” We both laughed at my obvious enthusiasm as I handed her the check and the deposit slip.
Her curly brown hair was cut in a cute new bob, so I mentioned to her how much I liked it, and made small talk as we waited on the machines that seemed to get slower every time I came in here.
I absentmindedly looked around the bank as we chatted. Being a small town the bank was not very large but it had a nice open look and little offices that were separated by glass where you could see into all of them. To be honest, the bank always made me sleepy because of the bland colors and boring clothes that everyone had to wear. It was a slow morning and only a handful of people were in the bank, which only made it worse.
The McNeils where here, a middle aged couple who could never seem to find anyone quite as good as they were. A woman named Martha who worked as the manager at Wendy’s was talking to the teller in the other line. A young man was speaking to a sour looking loan officer and a few other people filled the bank. There were twelve of us in total from what I could see. I knew most of them from different things I had helped with in my lifetime. It’s just one of those natural things that happen in a small town. I also noticed a dingy looking man I had never met before with overalls, an old army jacket, and a small backpack on. He had his hands clenched onto a young boys shoulder holding him in front of him.
I’m not much of one for judging people at first site, but for him I made an instant exception. I’m not sure why but, I just felt my stomach constrict when I looked at him. I looked from his harden face, that was covered with a few days worth of stubble, to the kid who looked to be around four or five. He had been crying, still was just a tiny bit. I studied the man again, and I cringed slightly as his eyes met mine. I’m not sure how to describe what I saw when those dark green eyes locked onto my own grey ones. I just wanted to run from the intensity I saw there. I turned away quickly from the red haired stranger.
I tried to calm down. I told myself I was being silly. That it was just a man and his son. Who knows, maybe he had just had to get on to the child or something and was still upset. All I knew was it was none of my business so I took one last peek at the black haired boy with tousled hair and then focused on my own matters.
Mrs. Kentsly handed me the receipt from the deposit and I made my farewells to her and the few people I knew in the bank and made a beeline for the door. Back to my wonderful life.
My hands had reached out to push the door open when it happened. I instantly hit the wall beside me looking behind me when the shots rang out. The gunfire was so extremely loud in the relatively small building. I panicked and turned to run out the door. I was leaning into it when the wall exploded next to the door. I fell to the floor clutching my pounding head.
“You try to open that door again missy and the bullet will be in you!” He was yelling but I barely heard him over the ringing in my ears. He shouted something to Mr. McNeil waving the gun toward me and all but strangling the boy as he jerked around.
I felt McNeil grab me under my arms and drag me more towards the middle of the banks room. He shouted at a couple of the women having them close the blue curtains and shades over the windows.
I was hyperventilating as I tried to make myself believe this was truly happening. A bank robbery in the middle of small town USA.I never could have imagined anything like this. Nothing ever really happened here.
Soon I could hear better and was finally able to regain a minimal amount of control over myself. We were huddled on the floor, us women. The men had been made to sit in the chairs to the side of us and we all waited with shaky hands and unsteady breathing. My nerves were gone. I didn’t understand what was going on. Absolute terror ran through me so strong I couldn’t do anything but tremble and cry. I just wanted to be home. I just wanted Drew. Needed his strength, his calmness and his love. I was nothing on my own. I had never been pressured about anything. Never even really had to worry. My brain was running a million miles a minute and all of them only half formed thoughts. I was so afraid. There was an absurdly loud pounding and I glanced around jerkily before I realized it was my heart beat. It was so loud I could hear it. I squeezed the sides of my head trying to make it stop hurting and just sat there trembling, hoping and praying he would just get his money and go. That’s when it happened. Almost as though time stood still. I managed somehow to look up through my straggly hair and instead of seeing the man who was threatening our lives, I saw the child. Just a little boy with tears in his dark brown eyes. The man had grabbed his hair and tossed him to the ground making the boy cry out in pain.
I’m not sure what possessed me but I moved towards him instantly to reassure him. I felt the kick in my stomach just as quickly. I gritted my teeth and refused to cry out. As I rolled into a ball away from him. I put my arms around my stomach and tried to catch my breath back as he spoke.
“A trouble maker are we?” his voice was harsh as he laughed before he moved back towards the counter where the tellers usually stood. I looked over at the boy who was staring at me.
“I’m scared.” He whimpered and I nodded my eyes filling with tears. “Its gonna be okay sweetie I promise.” I whispered to him as my voiced cracked from trying not to cry.
“Mister, just let me get you the money and then you can get outta here, please…” I heard the younger bank teller say. Her blond hair was almost the same color as mine but it was not long like mine but cut in choppy layers. I could see she was scared as well.
“Yes, please, we all have families. Let’s just get you what you want and none of us will try anything. We don’t want to be stupid.” The loan officer was speaking and wiping the sweat off his brow with a handkerchief.
More pleas sounded and I stopped paying attention as I reached out and touched his small trembling hand lightly. At that moment it was just him and me in this thing.
“And that is where you are mistaken dear hostages.” My head snapped up to find the man staring at me as he spoke.
“This is not a bank robbery. This, my friends is a great opportunity. One you, however it plays out, gets to be a real life hero!” His laugh came out harsh and hollow. I shrank into myself to get away from it.
He moved toward me and I cowered away like a spineless wimp. I couldn’t even meet the little boys eyes as the man reached now and drug him up by his shirt color making him gasp for breath and it cut off his air.
“See this worthless little child?” He shook him and I flinched at every cough, at every kick his little legs made as he tried to get more air. “See, his parents were druggies. He has no one else in the world, no relatives. No future because he will grow up in an environment that will teach him to be worthless. It will show him how to live off the government and the hard working people of this country while he pops pills and smokes whatever his little grubbing hands can get a hold of.”
“Please, just put him down! Your hurting him, please, he is just a little boy…” I looked at Mrs. Kentsly who had raised a hand out towards the man as though trying to will him to do her bidding.
“Put him down you say?!” He bellowed as he threw the boy down. Several of us cried out as he hit and didn’t move. His head had hit the floor. I looked back and forth between him and the evil man that stood over us.
“How’s that? Better now?” No one dared to answer him.
“I guess so.” He laughed again, but over that the, sirens could be heard, and I let out a grateful sigh. Help was on the way.
“Ahh, the saviors! I mean, that’s what you’re all thinking, right?” My hope diminished as I watched him shrug off his jacket. I had watched enough movies to know what was strapped to his chest. A bomb. There were gasps of surprises and the crying turned into sobs. I sat in shock. There were no tears falling from my eyes. I couldn’t believe what was happening anymore.
“Please no. Please, just let us go…” People begged I couldn’t even tell who it was, I think maybe it was all of us.
“Shut up! Just shut up. I have something to say and it will be heard. I WILL BE HEARD!!” An absolute silence engulfed the room as he screamed. Only the slightest stirring of the boy was heard and I thanked God he was moving again.
“Now, I want you to listen to my words very closely because I want the news to know EVERYTHING that happens today. Understood?” We all nodded begrudgingly.
“Today, I killed this boy’s parents, right in front of him.” More cries and prayers sent to the lord but we were quieter now.
“Now, I’m going to kill him-“ Everyone began to get stirred up, begging no.
“—Unless!” He held up his left hand, the one not holding the high caliber pistol.
“Someone… wants to take his place.” A complete silence over took the room as people sat in shock trying to register what had just been said. I felt my gut turn inside out. Someone in here was going to have to die for that kid. I wondered if it would be Mrs. Kentsly, she was always one of the nicest people I knew. I started to cry just thinking about it. What about Martha, or the loan officer? The tellers? How could that mad man do this to them? To us?
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
The opening of this story is cute, but it doesn’t particularly grab my attention. Your opening paragraph overdoes the idea of pride in the narrator’s work, and whatever interest of mine you did grab in that first segment dissipated because I had the feeling that the story was taking too long to progress.
In addition to you dwelling too long at some parts, there are a bunch of syntax errors throughout the story that hold it back from flowing as well as it could. When coupled with your word choice and frequent short sentences, it feels like her thoughts are choppy, and our judgment of the whole picture is kind of obstructed by this. Here’s what I mean by this!
A bank shooting (or any) is a traumatic and scary, scary, scary event. You tried to convey that the narrator felt uneasy with the shooter’s presence before the gun even fired, which is a nice thing and adds a layer of interest to the story. At the same time, though, your word choice feels relaxed and rather dull in comparison to what I’d imagine it to be like. You’re narrating these events to us as if we’re experiencing it on a TV screen, not as if the narrator is experiencing it. When she hits the wall, does her head ache? When the gunshot sounds, do her ears ring? What does it smell like? Does the air feel heavy with fear, apprehension, hatred? These are details we need to know.
Furthermore, I would suggest paying attention to the “Show, don’t tell” concept, which postulates that you can tell us the same things in this story by describing things to us instead of just “telling”. Take here:
(First of all, “as he hit and didn’t move” sounds incomplete; hit what? I know you say the floor in the next sentence, but you should state it when he hits the floor).
Instead of telling us this like this, you could bring it to life by showing us! In fact, you can even tell us the same information, but if you do so, I think it would benefit the reader’s experience if you show us a little bit of the atmosphere. For example, you could say something along the lines of, “Several of us cried out as his head met the floor with an audible thud, and I looked from him to the man looming over us with disgust and horror.” Remember, choose your wording carefully so that it paints an accurate picture of what you want to convey.
I do have an additional correction to point out, in your punctuation. To see a few examples:
1.
The only time that multiple marks of punctuation should be used in writing is when they’re written within the piece, like if a character was writing an email or letter-- as a general rule, use one. Keep formal.
2.
If the end of a spoken sentence isn’t closed by a period, use a comma before the closing quotation mark.
3.
A dash is two hyphens [--], not one.
Small details, but they matter because they make or break your readers’ experience.
Also, remember that your punctuation implies the things that you’re not saying in words.
I wouldn’t use the ellipsis [...] after Liz, maybe an exclamation point to show the mood, or just a comma because you’re not closing the sentence. The ellipsis makes it feel like his words are trailing off, instead.
Hope that helped some! If you have any questions at all, please, don’t hesitate to ask.
Best,
June
Nice story. There are quite a few grammatical errors. I put some below. Overall, I thought it was very interesting. I didn't really like the main character that much at the beginning, but I liked her more by the end.
This sentence is a tad confusing "I mean, way up too, seeing as how his tall lanky frame made his head a bit hard for me to reach." The "way up too" part is where it gets confusing. I understand what you are trying to say. It just needs to be reworded a little bit.
There needs to be a comma before love in this sentence: “What did you need(,) love?” The word 'love' is kind of like a name here, so that's why a comma is necessary.
The following sentence was a little confusing but it just needs a comma. "I forced myself to gather my thoughts, which by the way, is not the easiest thing to do(,) and remember the actual reason I had called him in here."
A comma here: "I shoved his chest lightly making(,) him lean and inch away from me."
I really liked the paragraph when she leaves her house. It's very descriptive. I felt like I was there.
This part switches tenses: "that seemed to get slower every time I came in here."
The part about the bank teller with the handkerchief made me laugh. I've seen that in real life. Good description.
The ending was okay. I kind of wanted more. I was just left hanging. Other than that, I would just say watch out for grammatical errors and you are on your way. Keep writing!
That' s not the ending. Thanks for reviewing. I just wanted to see what people had to say.
I think this is a really nice piece. I enjoyed reading it. You were able to put a lot of emotion into this, and I can see that you really took your time writing this. It definitely paints a picture, and I can see that it's an important piece to you. I see many grammatical errors however, so please take the time to fix them. Also re-read and see where you can expand a little more! As always, good luck to you and your writing. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I mean not to be harsh, but watch for grammatical errors before you hit 'submit'. These mistakes distract readers from the story and lessen its potential. You build up the situation well, but where's the climax? Where's the conclusion? Your readers need answers, otherwise why would they bother to read?
As for the protagonist: she seems like a weak woman. I hate to say it, but I found no interesting depth in her. Flesh her out, give her quirks. She's too much of a happy stereotype.
I know that I sound strident, but I read along, so that means the story works. Now keep it working! Best of luck.
I like this. it's different than the typical hostage/bank robbery story. the beginning was kind of slow, but once she got into the bank I got that suspense building up, the foreshadowing, especially when you described the guy and the kid. that was when I knew something was up, so good job with that. there were a few grammar mistakes I noticed.
1. At one point you had Lizzie say to Drew that her parents would be there in a few minutes to help. but then a couple paragraphs later they're already there, just a different room. if you meant that they would simply join Drew in the other room to help him instead of being there in a few minutes because they were driving/walking to the house ATM, maybe you want to reword your sentence so that people don't misunderstand.
2. also: "I was scampering around grabbing a purse, shoving on shoes, and tying to pat down my unruly blonde hair into place. Before going out in public."
-->you wrote "tying" instead of "trying," and "before going out in public" isn't a complete sentence. just take out the period after "place" and it will be fine.
3. typo: you wrote the town name as "Mena" in one place but "Mean" in another.
4. "Morning Miss. Morgan, how is that fiancé of yours?”
-->I'm not sure if there's supposed to be a period or not after "Miss." The period makes this two separate sentences, and when you read it out loud that way it sounds kind of funny. but if you place the period after "Morgan" it reads better.
5. there a couple places throughout the work when you forgot punctuation at the end of the quotes.
6. "Mrs. Kentsly handed me the receipt from the deposit and I made my farewells to her and the few people I knew in the bank and made a beeline for the door. Back to my wonderful life.
My hands had reached out to push the door open when it happened. I instantly hit the wall beside me looking behind me when the shots rang out. The gunfire was so extremely loud in the relatively small building. I panicked and turned to run out the door. I was leaning into it when the wall exploded next to the door. I fell to the floor clutching my pounding head.
“You try to open that door again missy and the bullet will be in you!” He was yelling but I barely heard him over the ringing in my ears. He shouted something to Mr. McNeil waving the gun toward me and all but strangling the boy as he jerked around."
-->you repeat the word "door" in this section quite a bit, so you might want to think about changing that if possible. "I instantly hit the wall beside me looking behind me when the shots rang out" - that sounds a little jumbled, and the part "when the shots rang out" feels like it's at the wrong end of the sentence. you should try rearranging it for clarity, something like "When the shots rang out I instantly hit the wall to my left, looking behind me in a panic." also in the last sentence you should add a comma after "McNeil."
7. “I’m scared.” He whimpered [...]
--> the period in the quote should be replaced with a comma, because the following phrase is related to the speaker/how he said the quote. it should be: "I'm scared," he whimpered.
you only use a period in a quote when the following phrase/sentence isn't related to how the speaker said it. i.e. "I'm going to the mall." My mom ignored me.
8. "Your hurting him, please, he is just a little boy…”
--> you used the wrong form of "your." the correct form is "You're" or "You are."
9. "Several of us cried out as he hit and didn’t move. His head had hit the floor."
--> this sounds a bit funny. you should combine it into one sentence. i.e. Several of us cried out as the boy's head hit the floor, rendering him motionless.
other than that this was really good. I liked the incorporation of the suicide bombing. maybe you could mention something how Lizzie realizes that because she and the other hostages have seen his face that they're all going to die. that's usually what happens in hostage situations. then again this isn't a ransom, but still. just a thought.
There is no action or adventure yet. Dramatic sure, but no action or adventure. In order to really have action you need reaction too. All you have is people submitting.
You won't be able to have much of other people's thought processes if this is going to be in first person. That could be good if you want people to feel more limited but that is going to be really hard to do. If there is a theme of how different people would think, feel and react to something like this then its hard to do that in first person. But you might want people to react at an individual level.
So the idea of the story is a psycho giving people a choice to sacrifice other people. Is that the idea?
I think you cut the story right where you did there to ask people how the premise or ideas are developing so far, but if there was any themes I didn't pick it up so far. But there is that sacrifice idea.
When reading it I didn't think how my community would react to something like that. If you want to have the reader have that experience its not going to happen while reading it, because of the way you wrote it. Although it might happen after. Although you may not want them to have that thought at the time they are reading but after.
Can you tell the goals of what you are trying to accomplish?
It's hard for me to write anything like a short stories because I have a hard time developing idea's quickly. The story is about her. I'm sorry about placing this in action, I just couldn't decide what else it might be. I guess most of this is simply the set up to the main part that I am finishing up. I just wanted some opinions. I'm trying to go through the thought process of a person who might be placed in this situation.