Published September 24, 2008
The sunlight didn't show through the canopy of green net. A few beams reached the moist earth. I moved my bare soles silently across the floor of brown and green, then reached the flowing cool water. The river was wide, but not very deep. I effortlessly pushed my foot trough the water that ran with a slow pace. Pebbles slightly parted as my toes reached for the dirt beneath them. The water was cool, but not too cold. The other foot followed the first and I quickly placed my hand on the tree that was nearest to me, so I could keep balanced. The rough bark felt like enlarged sand paper. I stood for a moment breathing deeply. Nothing was going to spoil this. Being alone, yet not so alone. I was surrounded by my friends, the water, the air, the trees, but I only need one person. Me. I stood for a while in silence. Then suddenly I was not so alone; I was not the only person. I stared across the river and saw a tall figure. His dark hair drooped past his shoulders. A pair of eyes immediately stole mine. I did not withdraw my feet from the water, but his entered it. There was no danger. None at all. I glided my foot through the water, the next following. He was doing the same. We were just a couple of feet from each other now. The look on his face was as if he had never before seen another human being. I'm sure my expression matched. I can't come up with a reason as to why we decided to approach the other. It was like a gravitational force pulling our bodies and our souls closer. His face was flawless. His lips a light, full, rose colour. Perfectly shaped. His dark eyelashes framed his breathe taking hazy eyes. The simplicity of his perfect nose completed his face, smooth with perfect skin. I was much to distracted by this unreal face to notice that it was only inches from mine. His lips drew back and a set of beautiful white teeth glittered at me, and then my breath was gone.
"Hello," He said in the most mellifluous, deep voice I had ever heard. I was now a believer in the concept of, "love at first sight." I felt sure that our eyes were perpetually locked.
"Hello," I managed to release. His smile widened, taking my breath once more.
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright well this is some start here, but before we dive into that particular situation I do have to start out by saying that this is currently in need of some urgent paragraphing there. The first paragraph there is just much too big to stand on its own there, its a massive wall of text that's quite hard to decipher and there is so much going on there. Granted it might be because it seems to hold all the description that you decided to leave it as this one chunk, but that really doesn't lend itself too well to the story here and it stilts the flow of it a bit too much.
Now besides that though, I am loving the description that you have got going on here and I think you've done a really nice job with that whole side of things including the way that you describe this person and then go onto describe the emotions that our character here is starting to feel in contact with said person. In that sense I think you've done a pretty solid job with this piece here, but otherwise it does need a bit of work there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Running,
Hello! ‘scuse me for the username, but I’m not going to type out the whole thing, and I don’t fancy calling anyone “devil” ^^ So “running” you are.
Anyway, before I start to review - one VERY IMPORTANT thing. For you to be able to post any work of yours, you have to review 2 other pieces. For the next, another two pieces, though yes, you’re encouraged to review more (:
So, 2:1. 2 - reviews for other people, 1 - your own work. Loves wonderfully ^^.
Anyway, to your piece -
Quote:
Being alone, yet not so alone.
The spoiling? Hmm?
Quote:
The simplicity of his perfect nose completed his face, smooth with perfect skin.
“perfect” was used a sentence or two ago.
Quote:
"Hello," He said in the most mellifluous, deep voice I had ever heard.
Scary, purple prosy word. And “he” in minors, dialogue punctuation.
Quote:
I was now a believer in the concept of, "love at first sight."
No comma.
***
The painted images are very good, and this was, all in all, well-written. But the first thing that I noticed was this huge chunk of a paragraph. Scary, really, and a tad bit off-putting and intimidating. That’s the first thing that should, in my opinion, be changed. Split it up.
Will dialogue punctuation be a problem? If yes, then check out some articles about it. There was two little for me to know if those errors weren’t only typos.
Cheers,
Esme
Thank you for the sugestions, JosephDean.
:]
Very interesting, indeed! A couple things that jumped out at me though. First, the obvious ones.
If you're trying to say that you moved and then got to the water, use reached instead of reaching. Your verb forms must be consistent.
Forgot your T
Now onto other things....
This might just be how my mind works, but I try to stay away from "just" if at all possible. Try "We were only a couple of......." And also, omit the "a" in "couple of a feet."
Change it to "deep, mellifluous." I think that it flows better when the shorter word comes first. That might just be me though....
Lastly,
That statement assumes that the reader knows exactly what someone's face would look like if they had never before seen a human. (That's another thing, but before in front of never. You shouldn't end a sentence in a preposition
I really enjoyed reading this, though! I hope my suggestions didn't sound mean... Just trying to help
Looking forward to reading more!!