Published March 31, 2011
'The day seems ordinary enough.'
'Tweet sent successfully.'
That was how the beginning of my day went. All seemed well, Mum made chocolate pancakes (No, not hand-made. She microwaved them.), Scott took a dump on the carpet, licked his rear end, and licked Carl on his face afterwards. Of course, I did not inform my dear nine year old brother about it. Ignorance is bliss, after all.
"Sweetie! We need Mac & Cheese! We just ran out of it!"
"But mum," I protested as I switched the computer on, "I haven't even been up for an hour yet!"
"Exactly. Get your butt out of the house and go get some exercise! It'll help start your day positively."
As quickly as possible, I logged onto my Young Writer's Society account and posted, 'Parents.. @.@' before switching the monitor off. I was too lazy to change, and so, sauntered towards the shoe rack in my sweatpants and oversized blue shirt.
"Mum, the chocolate cream on my face tastes funny."
That sentence by my brother was enough motivation for me to bolt out of the door, with my sneakers in hand. No sooner had I shut the door than my mother let out a shriek.
"Scott! Carl, where's your sister?"
It was definitely time to go get the Mac & Cheese.
The grocery store's air-conditioning was pleasantly cold. Just the right temperature on a hot, sunny day. I took deep breaths as I strolled along the aisles. It was quite relaxing.
When I finally came across the rows of packaged food, I spotted a lady clad in red sitting at the foot of the shelf filled with blue packages of Mac & Cheese. A handphone lay beside her. She was slumped over, like she was sleeping.
"Hi, miss," I picked her phone up for her and placed it in her hands, "sorry for waking you up. Just thought you might want to keep your phone."
The woman had no response.
"Erm, miss?"
I tapped her lightly, and shook her body a bit.
"Miss?" By this time, I was getting worried. There was a bad feeling in my guts.
"Miss? Hello, miss? Are you okay?"
I knelt down beside her and checked to see if she was asleep.
Boy, was I wrong.
I was sitting on a bench outside the grocer's, and quivers constantly ran down my back. What if I had gone to her aid faster? What if I hadn't taken my time to get out of the house? All those 'What if's filled my head.
People were busy talking about the woman, and they constantly looked at me. It was a mixture of pity and anger. Well, I wouldn't blame them. I was filled with anger and regret.
"Isn't she a student at a nursing college?"
I overheard someone in the crowd say that and turned my head away as it burned red in shame.
"Are you okay?"
I looked up. "Mum?"
The sight of a familiar loving face brought tears to my eyes. All the emotions poured out at once.
"She died, Mum.. She died.."
I sobbed into my mother's arms for a minute or so, while she kept silent and stroked my hair.
After my sobs died down, my mother brought me to meet the woman's family, who was in the hospital. Emotionally fragile as I was at the moment, I wanted to know what happened. All I knew was that her heart was still beating when I found her, and she died while I was attempting CPR. How could a nursing student have let that happen?
The moment I walked into the woman's ward, a child rushed towards me. She bore a striking resemblance to the woman, so I assumed it was her daughter. The woman's family was standing by her bedside, all with tear-stained faces. The sight was too much to bear. As I turned to head out, the child grabbed my hand.
"Don't go."
I looked down at the child's large brown eyes. Her raven black hair was wavy, just like her mother's. She was probably around two years old. To think that this girl had lost her mother because of me..
"It wasin your fault."
I thought I misheard that, and tried to make her let go of my hand, while muttering a dozen apologies. The tears were coming again, and I really had to get out of there.
"You don't have to say sowwy!"
Now, the child was crying.
"Mama.. I miss Mama.."
The child's grip was strong, though her body was shaking with emotion. I dropped down to my knees and hugged her, letting all the tears flow. To my surprise, she wrapped her small arms around my neck.
"It was a heart attack. We know you did your best, and.. We want to thank you."
It was the woman's husband speaking to me from the bedside. His voice was wrought with emotion. It was shaky, but he made it as strong as possible.
"Claudia, come here."
The little girl's grandmother called out to the child, who refused to budge. I wiped my tears as much as possible with my shirt sleeve, and picked Claudia up. She refused to be handed over to her grandmother, and clung tighter to my neck.
The woman's husband's lips curled up into a small smile, "Seems like Claudia has found a new friend. It's Mary's last gift."
Claudia bent forward and planted a kiss on my cheeks, "Mama's hero is my new big sister."
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Hi, rubberduck, here to review.
Here, you have a little too strong a shade of foreshadowing. Foreshadowing is something like prophecy or foresight in a story.
For example, reading the sentence, “Don’t go try swimming across the river, Tommy!” instantly tells us that Tommy will most definitely get into that river somewhere in the story.
Anyways, in your case, saying that the day ‘seems’ ordinary enough is just as good as telling us it will be nowhere near ordinary. Try to tone it down, eh?
The introduction of Scott was abrupt and disgusting. I had to double-take before I realised Scott was a dog. Next time, try to introduce new characters a little more slowly.
Like Rosea said, putting yourself into the story isn’t good for it. Consider cutting this.
Ew. Just yuck.
Anyways, rather than saying, “That sentence by my brother…” try using a dialogue tag. Example:
You needn’t put this in italics.
You never told us it was a hot sunny day. If you want, you could describe the walk to the grocery store, although that may be a bit boring. Try to insert that bit of info a little more subtly.
No, when you find someone sleeping in an aisle, you don’t apologize for interrupting their slumber. I would have expected the MC to have said, “Um, miss? Hello…? Uh…Oh crap! Somebody help me!”
But that’s really completely my opinion. You know your MC more than I do, and the decision is entirely yours.
You need more periods to make those full ellipses. A full ellipsis is composed of three periods.
Bad transition here. She moves from the grocery to the hospital in one sentence. Who is she, the Jumper?
I would have expected a girl of this age to be blubbering her puny eyes out. Not attempting to comfort a total stranger that witnessed your mother’s death.
I’m not going to tell you that ‘wasin’ isn’t a real word…but it isn’t. Yeah, I know you did it for style.
Italics not needed here.
From comforting the MC to snivelling for her mother is a rather quick change. In fact, such an outbreak would further upset the MC; something the little girl does not want, I take it?
Also, more periods.
More periods for that ellipsis
How does she know that these people are grandmother and father to Claudia? She was introduced, and the best she could do is guess.
Aaawww, that’s a lotta emotion for a little girl. It made me smile.
Anyways, you have an incredible plot, workable characters (Claudia was my favorite) and near-perfect grammar and spelling. The things you need to work on are the few typos I found (consisting mainly of those two-period ellipses) and a few technically erroneous areas.
Other than that, you’ve done an excellent job!
Jenth
P.S. One final note…the title doesn’t quite cut it. Maybe you should consider changing?
Hiya! Rosea here, popping some popcorn on the stove while I -- oh my GOSH that is a long entry. *shocked gasp* Well, anyway, I'm already here, and I decide that I want to review this~... so.
Let's get this over with. :3
Italics would do better here, omit the quote-y thingies.
This one, too.
-Ah, ta! Microwaveable... pancakes? I thought pancakes were only fried... and of course it would still be handmade if she was the one who cooked it, because she had to mix the batter and such... you can say it wasn't handmade if the pancake itself, ready to eat and all that, was store bought. So I think you lost the logic in that statement. If you want, you can change pancakes into something else which is more appropriate to microwave and be labeled as "not handmade" because of it... Mac and Cheese, for example? Just saying.
-No period before a closing parenthesis if you're going to follow it up with a comma, or if it's still inside a flowing sentence! (I meant "ongoing" when I said "flowing", but it just felt like it's the right word to use, so, yes. Rock on. \m/) So delete that period, and we'll all be happy cookies sitting in this here jar. ...I am so weird. Well, moving on.
-Haha, bravo for the last three sentences! I laughed kinda hard. All is good, so far.
:'D Speaking of the devil! ...referring to the Mac and Cheese, of course. *looks away*
Eh? I thought the computer was already switched on. And the internet connection is probably already up and running too. The main character just tweeted, remember? How the chicken would she be able to do that if the computer wasn't already on? Right? Right? *panics in paranoia*
Is this like, a sneak peek into your day-to-day routine? If so, that's nice, but if it's a story that you're working on and the main character is in no way related to you, then I have to warn you that self-insertion, in any story, is poisonous and downright bad. But you can't really avoid that, though... but still, try to avoid it, at all costs.
-Ew! Chocolate cream... Haha, now I wouldn't be able to eat anything with chocolate in it for a week~!
-Yay for atmosphere! <3
-The last two sentences can be rewritten as such:
The woman "gave" no response.
I solidified the other sentences into one paragraph and left out the last sentence, for an effective cliffhanger. It looks more sound to me, this way.
That's all for my nitpicks. Wow. Never would have expected such an ending, with that start-off. It was nice. Kind of touching, kind of euphoric... It's very good, all in all. Done tastefully, although the scenes can use a bit more playing-up to make the whole piece really stand out. Maybe you could work on the beginning a bit more, and then build up from there to make it more suspenseful. Usually, I have a lot to say about almost every paragraph of the pieces I review, but the next paragraphs that you wrote rendered me speechless. Not in the astounded speechless way, though. It's just in the "hey, this is pretty nice, I like this!" type of speechless, in which you smile as you read the rest of the story. No epic gasps whatsoever... yet. But you're on your way there.
Thank you for the nice read! Best one of the day, so far. :3 Toodles!
Wow, I'm not sure what the contest was about, but I love your submission! I'm a little rushed for time now, so can I get back to you to review this? Thanks! I really do want to review it.
Jenth