Young Writers Society

Hey,
Again, excellent job on this piece. I did notice something but it's not that big and i'm not even sure if you need to change it.

I sigh, pick up my paintbrush, and slather it in paint. I’m painting a picture of a bald eagle, but it’s coming along pretty great. When I work on it, that is.

Haha, this guy in some ways like one of my gay friends, actually I disagree completely with whoever said the thing about pussy was something a gay guy wouldn't say. If Toby were real (and maybe a little less harsh and self-deprocating) we'd probably be best friends. What I'm trying to say I suppose is great character development so far. He's really bring brought to life (at least for me). Keep it up!

roxythekiller wrote:Hell, if I gave birth to me, I would probably kill myself. I can’t do anything right. I get more class credits by not showing up, because when I do I just get in trouble. That’s why I keep having to retake classes. And when I pass, it’s usually because my teachers feel sorry for me. The only reason I don’t kill myself is my parents wouldn’t like it.

Gwenevire wrote:

“She’s so good that I heard she could paint with her pussy,”

So... Well I couldn't picture a gay guy saying that!

Again, double space. It helps the reader. XD

Good addition...they all seem a little short to me...and more descriptions would be nice. I didn't see any gramatical errors. XD Keep up the good work.

Jamie Bondage.

Well, it seems I got here a bit late and it's already been critiqued to breaking point.

The only thing I should say really, that I can say without repeating, is that I disagree with Flemzo on one point. "his ABCs" sounds much more casual than "the alphabet", and Toby seems like a laid-back "the world can stick it" sort of guy. In my opinion, stick with ABCs.

I would suggest rated 'R' for language and mature content. I read stuff rated pg-13, but I wouldn't read this story. No offense, the writing was great, but I don't read stuff like that and I'm not a big fan of gay people. Anyway, anything with the f-word in it and direct reference to sex should be 'R,' I think.

Great job on the actual writing of it, though! Can't fault you for it.

~MademoiselleunKool

I think this story is perfect and we cant be harsh on you....theres nothing to be harsh about.:X

As I'm reading this, I'm fixing your spacing. It's way different when you copy something from Microsoft Word onto here. It screws with your spacing so much, and that's why you have to be extra careful when copypasting.

roxythekiller wrote:When I walk into the art room, I mumble a greeting as I pass him. He doesn’t respond, so I think he didn’t hear me. No loss there, because I hate his voice, too. It’s got that nasaly quality. You know, the kind German people have. He’s from Berlin. I sit down and glare at him, but the expression never stays mad long enough. You know why? Because he’s incredibly hot.

Hell, it’s like every Berliner is hot.

Ethan’s got this amazing body. He was in my PE class last year--- every fucking guy was jealous. And he knew it. He thinks he’s so hot, and acts like he’s better than everyone. We got along freshman year, before he started hanging with the popular crowd. Then he just stopped talking to me, stopped greeting me.

Oh. By the way, I’m a raging faggot. Everyone just doesn’t know it yet. Basically, I found out in the sixth grade. It’s like God was filtering out the defective genes and thought, ‘we wouldn’t want any more Toby’s running around.’ It would break down the moral foundations of humankind or something like that.

Hell, if I gave birth to me, I would probably kill myself. I can’t do anything right. I get more class credits by not showing up, because when I do I just get in trouble. That’s why I keep having to retake classes. And when I pass, it’s usually because my teachers feel sorry for me. The only reason I don’t kill myself is my parents wouldn’t like it. They’re really cool people. You would like them. They put up with me, so they’ve pretty much seen everything.

The truth is, I’ve been down lately. Actually, I’ve been down since my parents moved from Texas to California. Sunny Cali-fucking-fornia. In case you can’t tell, I hate California with a vengeance. People just don’t get me here. I make a joke, and no one laughs. I say “Howdy” and they think I’m a hillbilly. The only thing they know about being a Texan is that we wear boots. For the record, we Texans only started wearing them because of the rattlesnake problem. California has one, too, but the Cali natives are so annoying even that rattlesnakes won’t touch ‘em.

For the record, no, I don’t like rodeos, I don’t care about steak, and I hate country music. But no one cared about that from where I grew up. I was just one of the guys there, but here I’m The Texan. Well, at least one thing stands. Everything is bigger in Texas, and if you want proof I’ll take off my pants.

“Toby!”

I look up at Dave’s face. Dave is this guy who sits at my table. He’s ambidextrous and he’s my class-friend. You know, a friend you only talk to in-class.

“Toby, you’re so lazy. Do some work, man.”

I sigh, pick up my painbrush, and slather it in paint. I’m painting a picture of a bald eagle, but it’s coming along pretty great. When I work on it, that is.

“Your turkey is coming along great.” Dave says with a grin.

I fling paint at him, “It’s an eagle, damn you!”

Suddenly, I hear Ethan’s voice.

“Tiffany, that’s pretty cool. How did you do that?”

I sigh. Ethan’s German accent sounds cool whatever he says. He could say his ABCs and it would sound cool.

“I don’t know, Ethan. I just practice a lot.”

Tiffany’s voice isn’t nearly as pleasant. It’s scratchy and high-pitched, like she’s choking on her own spit every time she talks.

“You’re a very good artist.”

“She’s so good that I heard she could paint with her pussy,” I mutter, and Dave snickers.

Tiffany has long, wavy black hair and this triangle-shaped smile. When you first look at her, you don’t think she’s that hot. But straight guys don’t really want to date a supermodel. They just want an okay-looking chick with a nice enough rack who knows when to shut up. Ethan’s not any different.

“Shut up, Dave,” I tease Dave, “get back to work. You’re so lazy.”

Dave stops laughing and reminds me, “I still can’t believe you’re failing art.”

“Believe it.”

Dave turns his head around, then looks back at me, “I heard he plans to hook up with Tiffany for Valentine’s.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Believe it.”

I’d rather have $6.99 any day than a teddy bear and chocolates… because I’m too old for teddy bears and chocolate is my least favorite food. And the dumbest thing is that Valentine’s is actually tomorrow, on Saturday. But my school still wants the money, so we’re having an ‘Early Valentine’s’ fundraiser. Money, it’s all about money.

One of the morons yells out, “Tiffany! For you!”

Tiffany flashes a smile at Ethan. Or, it could be a grimace of pain. It might even be a scowl. But with Tiffany, you never know.

I stand up, and Dave asks, “Where are you going? I thought you were going to work today.”

“Thanks but no thanks, Mom.” I laugh, “I’m going to the bathroom. I need a smoke.”

Oh, hehe, the pussy comment is actually a nudge to Chinese prostitution.
Gay guys can and do talk about vaginas, they just usually don't do it when women are around (it's the age-old 'don't say that in front of a lady!' attitude.) In the olden times, some Chinese prostitutes were said to be so skilled that they could hold a paintbrush with their vagina--- and actually paint with it!
Essentially, Toby's calling Tiffany a prostitute--- even if it isn't true (he's jealous.)

Yay there is more!

So I recall you saying that the dude was gay right? Cause if he wasn't I would consider the part where he is calling that other dude hot XD

Sunny Cali-fucking-fornia.

I was just one of the guys there, but here I’m The Texan. Well, at least one thing stands. Everything is bigger in Texas, and if you want proof I’ll take off my pants.
“Toby!”

“She’s so good that I heard she could paint with her pussy,”

“I’m going to the bathroom. I need a smoke.”