Young Writers Society

HELLO ROSHIEL AND A LATE WELCOME TO YWS!

i can tell this is meant to be a lighthearted poem, however the way it is presented turns it into a bit of a jarring experience. the first two lines lead us into thinking we are in for a jolly rhyme scheme, but that immediate goes away in the following two lines. there is a distinct lack of consistency throughout.

i also want to mention that it is very difficult to follow the subject here. you bounce around form idea to idea and it is difficult to figure out where we are going relative to where we are coming from. what i can tell for sure is that there are a lot of emotions you are trying to convey, the only issue you are having is fleshing them out. what i would suggest is for you to take everything one idea at a time.

we as the reader have to establish a "who" or a "what" in order to feel a connection with the poem. without that, we can not become emotionally invested in the work. when you throw phrases out such as

Your most precious promise ruined

i can tell there is a lot of sentiment behind the statement, but you are the only one feeling it. we have nothing to attach our emotions to as readers so this line to us means just as much as any other line does.

what i would ask you to do is go back and flesh out each line. bring to light what you are talking about. the people, the ideas, the thoughts, the feelings; everything has a place in the work, you just have to know where to put it. i would be more than happy to give you advice if you ever need it.

other than that, i want to thank you again for sharing your work, and i hope to read more from you in the future!

Hey @roshielramirez! I'm Yoshi and I'm here for a review on this poem!

First, this poem is dramatic-- nice. However, it might be . . . TOO dramatic, if you get what I mean. Sometimes, you have to describe something concrete before going too abstract.

Drawn to your essence

Drawn to your promise

Now, this is a great start! Your use of repetition is perfectly fine. No problemo with this!

'Cause you love fire too much

In the end you forget the promise

As it is forgotten, it dies

The essence of humanity dies.

This is the part I was talking about earlier. First, you use "fire". It kinda feels like it popped out randomly. Since you are already writing very abstract, adding "fire" just discombobulates the reader completely. The rest of the stanza is also very vague. I don't know if you are trying to go for mysterious, but like I tell a lot of people, There is a difference between mysterious and confusing. To be mysterious, you need the reader to be mystified about something. You can't just give some random sentences and expect the reader to make sense of it. The rest of the poem is great, I just think that the last stanza needs a little bit improvement.

This poem as a whole was pretty vague. You don't give enough information for the reader to process at all. Although it could use some work, this is still very good for a short poem.

Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review!

Your friendly neighborhood green dino,

-y0shi

Hey there!

'Cause you love fire too much

I feel like the "fire" part came out of nowhere. There are so many references to a promise and things ending, and I don't think that fire really fits there. I guess that fire could also just be a slight reference to all of that, but it isn't really connected that well.

In the end you forget the promise

As it is forgotten, it dies

The essence of humanity dies.

If in the end, it is forgotten, those two last lines are messing with the timeline. If something is already gone, saying that it is going away wouldn't make sense. That is basically what is going on here, but I may be thinking into this too far.

Every single moment

Every single day

I feel like the "single" part is a little too repetitive, but this is just a small nitpick on my part, so no worries here!

Lastly, I feel like the name doesn't really work, as both the "invisible" and the "fist" don't really work in this. All throughout, there as been some issues with how the poem connects each image, so I'd suggest working on that.

Good job! I really liked this!

Best,
Max