What's that? On the Horisun? It's a... It's a... INCOMING REVIEW!Hello there! I hope you're having a great day, and if you're not, I hope this review makes it at least a little bit better.First, I want to say, I really like this poem. Even though I have never lived in the city, I react to apple cider like this every time I drink it. It's so darn good! I love the flow of the poem, and the word choice is great! Give yourself a pat on the back for a really well done poem!The one thing I want to point out is that you added a comma at the end of "city folk are surging," Which is inconsistent with the rest of the poem. Other than that, looking good! Keep on writing, or whatever your dreams are!
Hey rosette! It's good to see you around (really it's me that's been gone, shhh). Thanks for requesting a review in my thread! I do feel rather rusty with this sort of thing, but let's dive in and see how things go. Apologies if this review isn't too useful.This is a really pretty poem. I absolutely love the imagery. It's funny, because it's August, so the end of summer and it's been about 9 months since last fall, the furthest possible, and yet reading this I am immediately snapped back into those last golden sunny days, the crisp chill in the air, everything. I think all my most favorite images are actually in the first stanza - "buttery days" and "pumpkin orange sun" are just delightful. I've tried to do fall poems and they definitely weren't nearly as evocative as this is.So coming out of the first stanza, I think I know what I'm reading - a really gorgeous fall poem. But by the end it doesn't feel at all like that. Instead, it feels like a more generic country vs. city poem, and it feels unnecessarily antagonistic. The last stanza is what most rubs me the wrong way. Taken the wrong way, it feels smug, almost disdainful of city folk. Because there is no clear narrator (with the "one wonders"), and because of the clear "they" framing, it makes it feel like you as the omniscient author are slighting city folk and saying they don't realize their lives aren't worthwhile.And I'm sure that's not what you mean - I think you're trying to capture this intimate connection with nature that a lot of people don't even realize they've lost until they return to it. And that's totally a thing - I personally am not a city person and have felt exactly like that many times. But when doing it from this narrative perspective, it feels more like you're passing judgement.So I think this poem would benefit from a reimagining of the narrator. Place us in a particular moment and in a particular head, maybe in the head of one of those city folk who is rediscovering nature, or any other character you think fits the scene. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm telling you to rewrite the entire poem, because I'm not - really I think it's only the last couple of stanzas where the difference in viewpoint would become obvious. All of the initial imagery is lovely; the conclusion the poem comes to just doesn't quite sit right with me.Smaller things: I feel like your imagery is stronger when it isn't cushioned in metaphors - the "as golden" and "sweet as taffy" don't feel nearly as visceral as "pumpkin orange sun." Partly because of that, the second to last stanza feels less meaty - if I were going to tell you to outright cut a stanza, it would be that one. It doesn't quite feel like it has its own idea instead of just being a continuation.Hm, and I think that's about all I've got! I wound up really only having one or two critiques, though I wanted to get down into the meat of them. Hopefully you'll find my thoughts useful, and I wanted to say again that I really liked this poem! It swept me away to a whole other time, and that's all I can really ask of a poem. And "pumpkin orange sun" is an image that's going to stick with me for a long while (I might steal it, lol).Let me know if you have questions about anything I wrote! Good luck, and keep writing!
Hey rosette, thanks for the request for a review! I'm in a bit of a reviewing rut at the moment and don't think I've done a proper review in months - so apologies if this is a bit rusty! InterpretationSo I interpreted this poem to be from the point of view of a non-city person who is observing that nature in fall is so beautiful and full that it's a wonder that there is any life beyond it - and that in particular they don't know if there's a worthwhile life in cities where the people can't experience it as much. It reminds me a bit of a poem I wrote a few years back that had the city/small-town comparison - Coming Home I think it's an interesting point of view and takes the poem beyond just a nature appreciation poem. Though after reading the poem I couldn't quite tell whether I was supposed to get an "awe of nature" feeling or a "bitterness of the city" feel - and it seemed like it was sort of caught between those two views without committing either way. I think a few things could make this poem stronger from a narrative point. Narrative Suggestions1. I think the poem could use a more clearly defined narrator - either by introducing an "I" voice somewhere - or by defining where the speaker's vantage/viewing point is. This would put more stakes & ownership in the poem and also make it easier to connect to rather than the poem just being from the point of view of a mysterious undefined observer. 2. I think that some of the nature details could be more clearly things that are only experienced in the country - for instance sounds of insects or a sunset-skyline unhindered by buildings. Trees, leaves and taffy and the sky and even birds are all present in cities so the binary comparison doesn't quite work, if you introduced a few details that were clearly only in the country it'd make the comparison clearer I think. Imagery & Word ChoiceI think a real strength in this poem is the vivid imagery you've got that helps to develop this full picturesque feeling & scene - and you do this without just throwing in every generic/ordinary fall-like description in the book. Some of the ways that you turn phrases in here are quite clever to give a slight twist on the ordinary and expected - for instance I love the phrase "buttery days" - it's unexpected and rich - I would think a "buttery day" would be one that's warm and rich and full; filled with good food and good company, where the sun almost melts off the sky. It's odd to describe a day with a food descriptor but it just works in the context. Clouds like kettle corn - was another creative image too!Some language that I thought didn't quite match the strength of the rest of the poem - would be "delightful" - rather than saying something is delightful, just show how it is I'd say - it's also unclear who is delighting in it. And then I thought putting a line break between "cornflower" & "blue" sort of disrupted that nice image in a way. Besides that you imagery & word choice were really spot-on!Miscellaneous CommentsI enjoyed the gentle back and forth formatting of the poem - it seemed loose like a leaf falling. I think the capitalization similarly felt gentle and went well with the feel of the poem.I do think a few of the line-breaks could be looked at again for flow. I would also take out the "ever" between "never / ever" in stanza three because it stilted the flow a bit. And the line that ends in "delightful" stands out as being a bit longer than all of the other lines. Besides a couple spots though I thought the flow was fairly good. Thanks for sharing your poem! I think it's a unique message that is executed quite well!Let me know if you had any questions about my review ~ and keep writing!- alliyah
I like this. It's very realistic so I'm glad you categorized it correctly. It's definitely a unique poem, as many people write about life issues. This is most definitely one of the best poems I have read about nature. Its very realistic and rhythmical.The only problem I see is that tis should have a comma before it, just to make it clear that its slang. I like the way you have laid it out, the format is amazing. The vocabulary is great!I really do love this and would love to read more of your work.
Hi, rosette! It's zami here for a quick review! Keep in mind that I'm a bit rusty and I only review every once and a while - I also tend to be blunt :/ sorry in advance!First of all, how dare you slander city folk.First off (for real this time, haha), I absolutely adore your formatting! You didn't overdo it - which I've seen and I've done before - and you kept it constant throughout the entire piece. Great job! In fact, that was the first thing I noticed; I've always been a sucker for poetry aesthetics.Second, I also noticed the variety of line length, which some people could take as unprofessional. I, for one, see it as unique, part of the formatting, for the rhythm, etc., but keep in mind that some would see it as a mistake and try to correct you on it.The imagery in your poem is wonderful! I could picture a bit of a carnival, but made of the sky, if that makes any sense whatsoever? I can see the "kettle corn vendors" selling their fluffy, popcorn clouds. (okay, in all honesty, i saw it as cotton candy first). In my head, I could see the golden, dead leaves and I could hear the crunch under my feet. That's an effect that you always want to see from readers. Good job!I have a bit of a nitpick; usually, when I see the word "tis", I associate it with an apostrophe in the front of it? - i.e., 'tis - but you didn't put an apostrophe. Since you used a semicolon elsewhere, I assume that you're open to having punctuation. If it was a style thing, it's okay! You don't have to take any critique into consideration if you don't want to also, not going to lie, the pumpkin orange line made me think of this but go off I guessI hope that you have a great evening! Auf Wiedersehen~!~~ zami
Hi @rosette I am here to do a quick review on your lovely poem here. So lets get right into it shell we.So I really love the name of this poem it court my eye at ones, when I sure it. I just thought of melting caramel that was dripping on to lovely apples. And then I just thought yum. So here I am now reading it.One thing that I would like to point out is that you said a word on the first line that i think is spelt wrong or something. You said the word like this, tis witch mite be a different word like.tis>thisAlso the poem should have started with a capitalized letter. The rest of the poem is great I feel that it flows really well with every line. I think the name to the poem is also really good. So that is all that I can say about this poem. If I was being to harsh then I am really sorry pleas forgive me for it. So keep up the great poem writing. This was lovely to read. So have a great Day/Night@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews
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