Published March 26, 2013
The adventures of Two friends.
There once was a girl named Analise and her brother John. Their parents name were Joe and Veronica. They lived in Beverly Hills. One day the city ran out of fruits. Their city had no fruits except near the Goblet Cage. The Goblet Cage was the most dangerous place in the whole world. One day Analise and John thought of going near the Goblet Cage for getting some fruits for their parent's birthday present. So they headed to go there. When they did, they realized that someone was following them. They were the soldiers of the Goblet Cage. They didn’t know who they were. So they took Analise’s brother inside the goblet cage and put Analise in jail where she met her new friend melody, she was also looking for some fruits. She didn’t have parents or a brother, she only had a small sister who worked in Austria. They escaped with some food and water. To look for Analise’s brother and get some fruits. They passed through the police station and went to find Analise’s brother. When they were near, they made a basket with wood that they found nearby and took some fruits. When they met Jack, he was being chased by some repto slicers. They had no choice but to save him. They cut some trees down and kept in their way and pulled Jack up. They asked him where the Goblet Cage was. He told them the way and thanked them. He went with them so he could help them. When they reached the Goblet Cage they went inside. Jack said they would better be careful as there were a lot of boggy traps there. They went inside running and when Analise stopped some of the water fell down from her bag, the others came running from back and all of them tripped. They were lucky they didn’t run through a trap of zig zag fire coming from up side. Then they had to jump off a cliff. What they had was some rope and they tied it to the other side where there was a rock. Jack jumped to the other side of the cliff and did it. The girls tied the rope to their chest and came to the other side of the cliff. They went inside a room with another trap. The cameras shot out lasers and hit them. They fainted for about an hour. When they woke they saw themselves tied and the queen of the Goblet Cage. She took Analise’s brother. She locked him in a cage and said he will never come out. Her name was Betty she was so beautiful but evil. She was scared of water. They slowly took the water bottle and threw it on her after they untied their hands and then rescued Analise’s brother. They then happily lived and melody joined analise’s family and Jack got married to Analise.
The end.
By: aysha
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Cast:
Actor: Jack
Actress: analise
Side actress: Melody
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello~
Wow, this reminds me how I first started writing, a lot of errors.
It was very imaginative, although things came from every direction.
First I was here with you, then I was lost.
Although aside from me you actually finished it, and the ending was cute!
This story made me laugh and think about me and how I used to write.
You've got some creative juices
This was a very cute story idea, if this is your first ever I'd say pretty good job, and don't worry I've done far worse~
Hello
First off, very good story! Very Imaginative!
But there were quiet a few errors. Your story went to one thought to another. It was very hart to follow!
You definetly need more details! For example; What are Repto Slicers?
And I want to know more about your characters! All you really tell is their names.
Describe their looks and their personality at least. Try to give your characters a mini biography.
You want to get your readers emotionally connected to your characters. You want them to feel happy when they are happy and scared when they are scared.
All in all it was a good story!
Keep writing and welcome to YWS!
-KevybearsBunny
Animal is here to
save the worldreview...Let's get started. Shall we?
First of ALL,
You need to capitalize the names.
I saw 'analise' name about 13 times and only three were Capitalized. Think it over and edit it.
I don't know much about this story but I will bring out some errors.
'Johnthought' should be 'John thought'. I know that you knew it but you made it by mistake.
gaintYou know that it will be giantIn this line, I saw that you wrote 'goblet cage' in small letter while elsewhere it is mentioned it as 'Goblet Cage'. Edit it.
This is what I can do to help and the 'giving your view' thing will be told by other reviewers.
Welcome to YWS if you are new.
-Ani
hey rose,
Umaima here for your review...quick ain't I? XD
So well first of all very good job.
I would advice you to proofread it before submitting once and also the ending should have been dragged. I mean you should have explained how the person dies and the whole situation. It would have given your story more points...
Don't worry you will grow into a great writer if you worked hard. so keep writing and all the best for your next work!