On the Podium: An Ode to My Medals
Way to go gold,
You’re the Best.
I mean come on,
Golden rings embedded with diamonds at weddings,
A single Golden coin is worth a whole dollar,
Golden retrievers are the nicest dogs.
Nothing is better than gold. All the people worship you!
The boys are all after the Golden girl
With her Golden blonde hair
The Golden apples are the juiciest kind, way better than the red or the green,
The great sun sparkles like Gold fire,
The Gold earrings glisten.
Gold, you’re perfect.
But don’t screw up.
Keep trying silver,
One day you might earn a gold medal.
It takes four quarters to make a dollar and even more dimes and nickels;
That’s a lot of coins, Silver.
When your hair turns silver you should dye it.
Strive for more, Silver.
Sterling silver rings are cheap but you can see your reflection in them,
And look at all those imperfections!
Sure, clouds have silver lining but they make rain.
The moon shimmers only at night in the dark,
I’d rather have the glorious sun shining through my window any day, every day.
Silver, you’re not good enough.
But you could be if you would just try harder.
I am sorry bronze,
You might as well give up.
When I put you on my finger it turns green like dirty, mossy water.
No one cares about you really.
You know, you could at least put highlights in your dingy hair.
Pennies are worthless,
They have no value and yet you have so many.
No one notices you because you are dull
You’re in last place right behind best and better
Cleaning up angry tornadoes are worth more than you are
Bronze, why even try?
You’ll never amount to anything.
Does it make sense?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure about how I feel about this poem. This is not to say that it is a poorly crafted poem, not at all. It's just not my cup of tea, so to speak.
I didn't like the colloquial lexis much, but this of course was a poetic device and it worked very well at achieving your stylistic intentions.
I did like the spoken word, rhythmical structure. I really did. It's actually harder to do than one might at first think, because we are preconditioned to put a metre to a poem... Even though one is not always required. So yay for you
All of your imagery was very good, sometimes a trifle cliché but to be realistic it's very hard not to be. Almost everything has already been said before. It's OK to use a cliché if you use it in your own way - I feel that you did this in your poem.
One quick critique here. This is a bit of a juxtaposition of ideas... I'd only suggest using oxymorons for specific reasons, or else your work can appear sloppy and poorly thought out. :/
If a golden coin makes one dollar - this doesn't sound like a lot. So the build up of how much gold means to you is instantly destroyed in this line. You might want to rethink it.
To answer your question. Yes, it makes perfect sense.
I'm sorry that I couldn't offer more constructive or insightful criticism, but this really isn't a style that I know much about.
Love
Kris
x
I like it. It sounds sort of like a social criticism. At least to me at the time of reading it.
Pennies being worthless, the blond girl getting all the guys.
It can be interpreted so many ways that I don't even know where to begin but by saying...
I like it. It's awesome!