Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This sounds like a really cool battle scene not going to lie. I loved that part of it. But it is a little confusing as to exactly what on Earth is going on. It just isn't very clear and we are being thrust all over the place without really getting a sense of the setting. I feel like some more description would be nice here. Toning down the battle a bit would work but the it would loose its awesomeness so just a tad more care given to explaining where people are relative to each other would be nice.
Anyway let's get right to it,
The desolate tower loomed once again over him; chaos was all that surrounded him as the armies of the free people were falling, the Mantels were victorious. Captain Lundek the highest ranked officer left alive was in charge of the remaining catapults that could still be used. Soldiers all around Lundek searched around for something, anything that could be used to fill the catapults in the end the found collected some stones and small boulders.
This one is missing quite a few commas here. The flow is severely disrupted by the lack of commas and you need to read this one a couple of times to really figure out what's going on here.
The voice of the young soldier did not travel far over the sound of the battlefield battering the eardrums of Captain Lundek The Seers, part of the Mantel army dressed in rags which had a frail attempt at covering their scaly skin. They carried bows and crossbows that wee capable of firing three arrows a second, which at the moment were raining death onFree People. Captain Lundek chose this moment to respond by pointing the tip of his sword towards the tower and yelled ‘FIRE!’. The remaining catapults launched the boulders from the pile towards the tower. Yet again they did not even scratch the tower with the crumb like remains raining down upon bodies of the dead.
This part is the most understandable part of this battle. You get a decent sense of what goes on here unlike most of the other areas of the battle so just pointing that out. If the rest was written similar to this it would be better overall.
Red smoke was billowing from the top of the tower, spreading through the sky turning it blood red. This was it the end of days and all humanity the last hope, the army of the free people had failed it was over and it was all in vain. From the top of tower a best that had slept for thousands of years had awaken and the time of the stone dragon was once again, here. The dragon, dark as coal, rose from the top of the tower, surrounded in the red smoke with its rider on top. The dragon was very crumbly which explained why the legends referred to him as the stone dragon, every part of him look to be made out of stone. Anytime the dragon moved part of him would flake off and fall to the floor. The rider pointed his sword towards the heavens, this was a common mantel war-like tradition: when the end is near bring out the king to finish of the rest, but this time it was different the dragon had been awoken which gave the king even more power.
So this part right here. It gets very info dumpy right there and that doesn't work quite as well as it could if you just described the dragon and did not mention the whole backstory. Especially since this is a dream all this extra information doesn't really contribute much other than breaking up the overall flow of the piece.
‘No!’ Lundek sat upright in his bed.
Quite a nice reveal there with this whole episode being a dream.
‘This way sir’, the small soldier led Lundek away from the tent, which was positioned beneath a solitary tree on a hill near the outskirts of the town. The closer they came to the town the more people they saw: mothers, children, farmers and some soldiers who were meant to watching at the town’s outpost. All of them giving him strange looks as if they were trying to see into his soul along with the occasional shout of ‘traitor’ this made Lundek feel very happy and optimistic about his trial. The courthouse was a large building surrounded around five marble pillars they climbed the steps and entered through the wooden doors.
I assume that was some sarcasm thrown in there. A nice little touch of that.
Aaand that's it for that.
Overall: It was decent. Fairly well written with some pretty okay imagery but the flow and that infodumpiness made this a little bit lesser quality than this idea had the potential to be. The pacing was also slightly rushed mostly because of the lack of description and general confusion of the main battle. But it was a nice little piece that was fun to read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
:D:D:D:D:D
Points: 253913
Reviews: 4100
Donate