This is my first time posting. Sorry if I've done anything wrong? Please tell me what you guys think.
NOCTURNAL DAYS
Nocturnal days
Awake in the night, in the only house that has on all its lights.
Nocturnal days
At 4 A.M. you sleep tight. I'm in my journal writing commentaries on life.
Nocturnal days
My insomnia ensues, in these dark hours my thoughts exude.
Nocturnal days
I prefer the stars and moon, no sun, just gloom. I'm on my best around this time, my worst during noon.
Nocturnal days
My minds apart for the night, a break from inside, a chance to live life.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey, rome!
Just a quick note beforehand - you might want to do a couple of reviews (so that you get reviews!), and introduce yourself in the welcome area. We don't bite! Usually.
Anyhow, I think this poem has an interesting theme behind it, and that's reflected in the title. Unfortunately, it didn't go much beyond that for me. I don't think "nocturnal days" needs to be in the poem, and certainly not in the quantity used - it's distracting from the actual content, repetitive and by the end it means absolutely nothing. It's so much more effective to just let the title speak for itself and have the poem offer some kind of support, if that makes sense.
The rhyme itself doesn't work very well - not for me. It's very forced and I feel like I'm not going to be getting out of the poem because it's so fragmented. The flow is actually broken by hearing "ensues" and "exude" trying to rhyme, and so by the end of the poem, it felt like I had gained absolutely nothing. I think internal rhyming should be more subtle, so that when necessary, attention is drawn to an image but the mind doesn't linger on it.
My advice would be to keep on the interesting themes but try, for a while, without punctuation, letting your thoughts just flow and then shaping them with alternative uses of imagery (Is there a better way to say "insomnia"? Would it be more effective if put in a euphemism?). However, there's certainly potential! So try rewriting this with less of a focus on rigid structures.
Hope I helped!
Best
Blinky
Its a good start I'll tell you that. I'm not the best a poetry, so someone may coming in correct anything I missed. X3 But just remember that poems don't need to repeat as much like you did, not that there is nothing wrong with that, and that don't always have to rhyme. But I thought it was fine for a first post, keep it up! :3