Straight, jet black wisps
Embrace an olive shape.
Two mountains raised
Awake- curiosity.
Pools of pink clouds
Scatter the canvas with a
Small daisy,
Planted perfectly amidst;
Sight into soul.
A generous life given
Innocence- this
My sweet Ella, my darling
You are my earth.
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139,305 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
Hey, rogued0nut! This is ScytheMeister here for a quick review.
I loved this and how you have used nature to convey the love of the person!
First of all, your layout is a slight bit jumbled. I think you should separate your work into stanzas to show when a new idea has formed. For example,
Whilst I did enjoy the link to nature, I must comment: What was the link...? The idea, certainly, is admirable. Work which references to nature interests me greatly, however, what exactly was the connection supposed to convey?
Towards the end, you say
so it's only fair to assume that you were trying to make innocence the main concept behind this poem. Analysing what you have used in nature, I can justify pink clouds and small daisy but how do two mountains portray innocence? That was one of the only things that kind of effected my perception of the poem, but as one of the first few lines, I felt it important to mention. Rather than giving me an innocent impression, I saw it as something reckless and dangerous as mountains can form in disastrous ways, afterall.
I had a few slightly nitpicky views on the way you've written this sentence:
It just felt slightly off for me. The dash was unnecessary, instead I think the line should have been:
or
The same goes for this line:
The line itself does not appear to fit in with the stanza, so I believe the whole stanza should have been...
Other than that, this really was a great piece of work! Thank you for writing this. I hope to read more
Good job and Keep Writing! <3
- ScytheMeister
This is Nikayla dropping in for a review!
So I was interested by your poetry when you showed in earlier today/yesterday, so I may as well review it. Just something to note in the future when posting poetry, the formatting does mess up your stanzas and therefore if you want it to look normal or you at least want your readers to have an indication of when a stanza starts and a stanza ends, you'll have to put a whole stanza into one line and then put shift+enter after a line. If that's too vague, you can also put a dash or something like this: "~" and readers will get what you mean.
Moving on from the technicalities, I'm going to go ahead and argue my case against Sheyren on that I didn't mind that it lacked stanzas. Some poems can be like that and don't need stanzas, and they're often shorter ones, which is what this one can be described as. Though, I did want to talk about the pattern that you sort of had going on but then you broke because it wasn't used in the earlier lines of the poem, and that's the "Awake-" and "Innocence-" lines.
If you did choose to use repetition in this case, I think stanzas would form themselves if you chose to use them because each word would be followed by its own set of lines, but that's just a suggestion. I wanted to jump back to where I said the piece was rather action-heavy in our conversation before. You tend to use a lot of verbs, which can be a great thing for making your poem feel like it's more alive rather than still, but you use them but then never really flesh them out, particularly in terms of imagery.
Imagery is the main thing that I felt to be lacking in the piece and it's something that I would have liked to seen fleshed out. Something that I found to be a little odd in its description is the second line of the piece, 'embrace an olive shape' because I was unsure of what you were referring to in this case. The hair of the other person in the poem? The shape of her hair itself? I would have liked more clarity there. Something else that I wanted to tackle is that the relation between the speaker and the other person in the poem, Ella, is never really established all that much. They seem to be a romantic interest, and this is proven by the genre that you've listed it as, but I would have been rather confused if you hadn't indicated it there.
Another thing that I noticed about the piece is that often you start lines with something that doesn't really start a line, or I feel that something is missing. Most particularly I'm pointing to the third line, 'Two mountains raised' but that's something rather minor. I have to say the same for the line 'Sight into soul' since I didn't think it worked all that well after a semicolon and I suggest you rework it for flow.
The final thing that I wanted to touch on is the "You" implanted in bold. I'm not really a fan of it because it takes the word and makes it feel more important than it already is, but that's coming from someone who isn't really a fan of using bold in poetry to make something pop out. Overall, the imagery that you have here already works, but I wanted more of that and I wanted you to expand. The ending works because of the references to make to the earth, like the mountains and the daisy, but it would have been stronger if you added more of that to the piece.
I hope I helped and have a great day! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Hey, here for a review.
In my opinion, in your poem, they shouldn't have to be uniform, and the stanzas help enunciate a point you're trying to prove, it gives some emphasis to how you describe it.I'm going to try and make this as concise as I can manage.
Like the review made by Sheyren before me, I do agree that stanzas would work to group your lines and ideas. You can maybe try doing it after each of your periods or sentences by sentence. An example could be
One thing that I think you did greatly was the last three lines. I know how you are supposed to read line breaks in poetry like as if they were one continuous stream of words. I like how you broke lines up to make it seem like there are breaks where punctuation should be, and it sounded really nice with the emphasis on the little breaths. I don't know if you understand what I'm trying to say, but If you do, you did it really nicely.
As I read your poem over and over again I realize that you are describing Ellas at the earth and I also believe that was beautifully done. I get the frist two lines as hair framing her face, but I do not quite catch onto the other aspects of what makes Ella an Earth. My suggestion could probably lead to a whole other poem being written, but you could put some explaining factors and incorporate it into your poem. Being more concise with little to say but the point is clear could make this a better poem.
Well, I really like your poem and I hope to see more of your future works. Best of luck!
Hello! Shey here for a review. I really need to get back into the reviewing thing, so let's jump into this!
Overall, I enjoyed your poem, and I haven't a lot to comment on for content. So I'll just jump into the nitpicky stuff on organization.
First, and I tell this too people a lot, is that it should have stanzas. The poem is great, but it feels like a blob, with only one idea. If you were to split it into stanzas, it would look neater and have a more understandable meaning.
I know that sometimes there is a problem with uploading where you can break things into stanzas. There is a solution to that, but I don't know it off the top of my head. If you are having this issue, is suggest messaging a mod. They might have the answer I lack.
This is so unbelievably nitpicky, but I'm a nitpicky human, so I'm gonna say it. There isn't a need for the semicolon. You could just have
"Planted perfectly amidst
Sight into soul"
Or
"Planted perfectly amidst,
Sight into soul".
Either works better, so you may want to consider that in the future.
My last nitpick you did twice. When you use a "-", you're supposed to put a space on both sides of it, other then when hyphenating words. It's a minor thing, but one to keep in mind.
That's all I got. Apologies for being rather nitpicky, but I hope that the things I did comment on help you in the future. And I didn't say it enoufh, but this was a nice poem. Great job! I look forward to seeing more of your works in the future!
-Sheyren