Chugalug was in a far corner sipping his blood beer and smokin some poor dried animal , he brought the thing to his lips , sandwiched the little head and inhaled . He was a man at peace with the world , without offspring or wife . Not human either , though human blood pumped about his insides . He sighed happily and spat on the floor, hygiene in this part of town was frowned upon , death was a daily complication and violence was promoted , but those who knew chugalug knew not to cross him , because , although caring and undesietfull, he would not allow his pride to limp , knuckles would go white and bones would be broken .
Chugalug was a sub-cast , born from a wild man and civilized lady , few like him existed in the Age of rust . In his earlier years he was a bigheaded mercenary who had an awful lot of sex . He would take his little sky shuttle on missions all over old earth , doing what mercenaries do , and end the trips in the bed of a stranger.
An Older Wiser Chugalug stood up and brushed down his wale’s skin cloak. The pub went a little quieter , men and creatures bigger than men moved aside , Chugalug strode between them. He reached the door and looked back at the counter , an old man winked at him and he winked back, then he was out the door and into the blizzard .
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In his earlier years he was a bigheaded mercenary who had an awful lot of sex .
When you put that bit in, then you have totally killed your story.
What made you think fantasy is about real life issues?
Fantasy is all about creating a new world and engaging in deep character development.
And also, in Fantasy it does not normally include real life perferences, such as sex.
That is not fantasy is about.
If you want ideas, I suggest you play Final Fantasy 12 (it's a ps2 game)
In my opinion, Final Fantasy is the modern day Shakespeare in Fantasy. The environments are elegant and breath taking, the characters are very well developed and original. (IMO)
Learn something from that game.
personally i think it is a bit too far - fetched but that is just my opinion, if it is your type of story KEEP WRITING because someone will like it.
*Cracks knuckles*
"Chugalug was in a far corner sipping his blood beer and smokin some poor dried animal ," - "smoking" not "smokin", no space before commas.
"Not human either , though human blood pumped about his insides ." - You can't start a sentence like that, it sounds odd. The bit about pumped was strange. I'd put "flowed through his veins" or something.
"He sighed happily and spat on the floor, hygiene in this part of town was frowned upon , death was a daily complication and violence was promoted , but those who knew chugalug knew not to cross him , because , although caring and undesietfull, he would not allow his pride to limp , knuckles would go white and bones would be broken ." - "chugalug" needs a capital letter and this sentence is really long, break it up into about five smaller ones.
"few like him existed in the Age of rust ." - Capital "R" for "rust".
"who had an awful lot of sex ." - That sounds very posh and previously your writing was very blunt and gruff, why change?
"An Older Wiser Chugalug stood up and brushed down his wale’s skin cloak." No capital letters needed for "older" and "wiser".
This was strange, it needs a lot of developing before it becomes a proper story. If I were you I would spend longer thinking about ideas and the background of your created world before writing, you seem to be making this up as you go along. Please fix the grammar and punctuation, and space the last two paragraphs.
Hey Rodent.
If you're not looking for a critique, but rather for ideas or certain tips, you may want to post a fragment like this in Fiction Discussion and Tips or in Writing Tips. ^_^ That way, you'll make it clear to those responding what you need.
You do have a fragment here. It could be a beginning or a character sketch. But, as Elein says, it can be a little difficult to get to through the punctuation and such. You know, punctuation is like a finish or frame - without it, the core of the piece isn't going to come through.
IMP
I dont think punctuation or spelling is impotant , and if you havent read somthing properlly dont deal death to the writer , thanks for pointing it out though .
I need idea,s , i need help thats whuy its so patheticly short , anything that i can pick up from the point he leaves the pub ..> I know im meant to be imaginative and creative as a writer but some times everyone needs some advice .
Hm...
Okay, I admit. I just skimmed this. But what I saw scared me.
a) Punctuation
b) Grammar
I'm not saying that I'm perfect or something, but I really think you should reread this. Common courtesy to the person writing a critique for you.
This is short, with no real plot - it did not really catch my interest...
-elein