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War and Greed

by rockycait

[b]AN: Hi guys, so I'm trying this out as an intro to something. What do you think? Does it have a good premise for a story? Or is it good standing alone? Thanks[/b]

It happened. The battle. The grand war of the centuries was over. Men, monsters, and machines lay dead on the battlefield. Others wounded beyond repair. And who was left standing? Who was the victor of this epic slaughter, this devastating chaos? No one quite knows for sure. The losses were to great. None could pinpoint who had stopped the fighting. It had just happened. Too weakened were they, to continue as they had. Too many had died for a cause that none remember starting, and that none really fully understood. The living and the dead were at a standstill, unsure of what to do next. But knowing at long last that this war had finally come to an end.

Where had this started? At what point did someone say, come let us fight, and for what reason? Why? None know for sure. everything had changed, new and old prejudices had arisen. This war had brought out the terrible truth about animalistic behavior and feelings. fear was ugly. Fear brought out irrational thought. it taught young and old to harbor feelings against those they had once known as friends. It taught them to be wary of everyone, distrustful. no one had companions anymore, no one had those they called family. It was every man, monster, and machine for himself.

And how then, had these great armies risen up? If they were so distrustful of another, how could they stand to let someone guard their back in the dead of night? How were they able to agree on tactics and manuevers? What had happened that so changed the thinking of man? This was the question that so plagued the survivors. As they lay next to the other fallen soldiers, of every army. Dead, they were all alike. And yet alive, so different from one another.

One by one, each came to their own conclusions. Their ancestors had wanted them to fight. They wanted them to turn against each other. To alienate themselves. But why? For what purpose? Could it be greed? Did the ancestors want everything for themselves and so began to shelter themselves from people. Were they really that foolhearty? How could one person believe that their possessions were more valuable than another person's life? Was that really all it had come down to? Was this the way they had wanted it to end?

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289 Reviews

Points: 304
Reviews: 289

Sun Jul 26, 2015 9:04 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...

I liked the first paragraph but then as it continued, there just seemed to be too many questions. Nothing was really concrete. At least give the reader something. All I got from this piece was that there was a war...and there were some sort of monsters involved? I'm not really sure.

I don't know if this is an intro to a story or this is the entire piece. If it is the intro, then it could possibly work with a few little tweaks. If this is the whole thing...I feel like there wasn't really much to it.

The writing is good. The concept is good. It just felt rather lacking though. It needed more details. Some focus points. Specific events of the war. Specific armies. Specific characters. This just felt like it was panning over something but not really grasping anything.

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Points: 634
Reviews: 1

Sun Jul 26, 2015 8:05 pm
Partyperson wrote a review...

That first paragraph was one of the best story starters I've ever read. The imagery, the dramatic

prose, the brief, straight-to-the-point sentences- beautiful. But sadly, it's not great standing

alone. The first paragraph flowed expertly, but from there- without any additional details- it felt

overdone. I understand you were considering this as a premise/intro for a story, and as a rough

draft, it definitely has potential. Just maybe throw in a few more concrete details about what's

actually happening, and you're good to go.

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33 Reviews

Points: 1249
Reviews: 33

Sun Jul 19, 2015 7:47 pm
Prakash wrote a review...

Hi rocky,

I am here for the review. In your intro part, you have described the aftermath of war. It is absolutely good. But, my question is "Your story is about what? the events after war or before war?" Your intro is just plain. You haven't left any hints about the hero of your story. It would be better if you had introduced him in the last paragraph.

Now the nitpicks:

Men, monsters, and machines lay(laid) dead on the battlefield.

No one quite knows (knew) for sure.

None know (knew) for sure.

As they lay (laid) next to the other fallen soldiers, of every army.

When you are describing the past events use 'past tense' or 'past perfect'.

Too many had died for a cause that none remember starting, and that none really fully understood.

Too many had died for a cause that none remembered the beginning and that none really fully understood.

Typo errors:
The losses were to (too) great.

How were they able to agree on tactics and manuevers? (manoeuvers)

Fear brought out irrational thought.(thoughts)

It's a great start. You can develop this idea into a novel. I am interested to read your story further so ping me when you do. Keep writing :) :) All the best

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77 Reviews

Points: 5851
Reviews: 77

Thu Jul 16, 2015 5:36 am
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FeatherPen wrote a review...

Hey rockycait, I’m Ferran and am here to review.
Well done I think that this is a good representation of war. It could be a good premise for a story but could just as easily be a stand alone. I like how you have used varying sentence lengths eg 'It happened. The battle.' compared to 'too many had died for a cause that none remember starting, and that none really fully understood.' It creates interest and suspense. I also like your use of questions, enticing the reader to come up with their own answers and contemplate the tragedies of war.

Grammatically you have a few sentences which don’t start with capitals and some which unnecessarily start with ‘and’.

‘None’ as referring to people works brilliantly to begin with in this piece of writing and creates a feeling of detachment and reflection. But is it is unconventional so later tripped up my flow when reading. You could alternate some of the nones with no one. No one for me is more relatable, I can relate to a ‘no One’ but not to a ‘none’. (However that might just be me)

I like what you are getting at when you say “It was every man, monster, and machine for himself.” And then “And how then, had these great armies risen up?” you could drive this point home by adding “no one knew any longer whose side they were on.” so as to link the paragraphs.

As a beginning to a story, the use of questions involves the reader and makes them want to read more. As a stand alone it would be nice to see the last paragraph as a conclusion or summery. You could achieve this by turning the questions in the final paragraph into statements. Particularly ‘Could it be greed?’ would be come “It was greed.” and ‘Was this the way they had wanted it to end?’ would be come “This was how it had ended.”

Finally you could make the piece more evocative by adding some more description. “Men, monsters, and machines lay dead on the battlefield.” Might become Men, monsters, and machines presented a bleak view of humanity, as they lay dead in mounds, on the desolate battlefield. (an exaggerated example) Too weakened, so thoroughly exhausted were they, to continue as they had. A thesaurus is indefinitely useful for this, particularly an online one.

It would make a great intro for a collection of shorts from different points of view or even a collaborative work. Make sure to let me know if you do, as I enjoyed reading it.
All the best from Ferran.

If you have to ask, "Is this cliche?", it probably is.
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