I Never thought..............

rockangel wrote:I Never thought.............. First problem here is the overuse of those dots. The correct way to do those dots is to put three in a row (...) when you're interjecting into a sentence or thought and to put four in a row (....) when you're ending a sentence.


I was sitting on a park bench alone
In the cold and gloomy autumn twilight (It may just be me, but this word seems off here. It seems to not match the first line, or makes the line sound off from the first, know what I mean? But, I think it's just me)
Never thought I'd be a one (I think you could get away with just putting "one" instead of "a one" which sounds weird.)
Who got no path to walk on

I used to laugh through the morning winds
I used to dance in drizzling rain
I used to kiss the golden sunlight
But I'd never used to think this way I don't think you need the contraction for "I had" here. It kind of makes this a little choppy.

Now I cannot fight back my tears
Sunken deep within my own fears
Battling to evade all the memories
Which ripped off? (I think you could exclude this word here, that or change it) all my hope away

Hello there and welcome to YWS!
What really bothered me about this poem was the fact that there was no punctuation. You had such beautiful lines but they had no emotion because of that fact. I always say that a comma or a full stop etc. also have their own statements. They control the poem. This was however very well written.

I used to laugh through the morning winds
I used to dance in drizzling rain
I used to kiss the golden sunlight
But i'd never used to think this way

Well, this wasn't too bad at first, but then you bordered overly-angsty with the last line, and it takes away from your poem's credibility. I just think you could've avoided this weaker sort of line, so my suggestion would be finding a different way of getting your message across without it sounding kind of amateur. I did like it for the most part, though, and it was a pretty solid piece.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

A good piece but you did not get the flow of the poem right.... It could have been better than this.... I myself write poems and i can understand how troublesome can it get to get the flow in a proper manner... Anyway good work... Keep it up...

I Never thought..............


I was sitting on a park bench alone
In the cold and gloomy autumn twilight good words but awkwardly placed together
Never thought i'd be a one
Who gothad no path to walk on

I used to laugh through the morning winds
I used to dance in drizzling rain the repetition is counter productive, use a differen't verb in past tense
I used to kiss the golden sunlight
But i'd never used to think this way

Now i cannot fight back my tears
Sunken deep within my own fears
Battling to evade all the memories
Which ripped off all my hope away you're on the borderline between sad and angsty here