“I want you to tell me something I could fight for!” Victoria said as she walked out of his house, leaving him behind and all of the problems he has caused her.
He followed her into the streets and was begging for her to come back, to stay inside the house, “Please Vic, I need you.”
She heard what he said loud and clear, clearer than most lakes, oceans and seas, but no matter how hard she tried to feel something for him again, from the bottom of her heart, she just couldn’t feel something. She felt as if she was running again, but this time it felt nice. It felt nice to be away from him. He was suffocating her, telling her lies, and making up petty fights, and she knew that it was time to let go.
She stopped, and turned around to face him, “You need me? You need me?! Where were you when I needed you? I was always there for you and yet you refuse to give me your time.” She started walking away from him, faster and faster she walked away from him but until the end he was still there. He caught up with her, grabbing her wrist to keep her from walking any further.
“I’m sorry, Vic. Come on. I don’t even know what we’re fighting about.” He said, exasperated, “Let’s just go home. I don’t need this right now.”
“Well I do! I need this,” she screamed, tears falling from her eyes, “We’re fighting ourselves, this relationship! I don’t want it anymore!”
“Don’t say that!”
“I am tired, Richard. I am tired of your excuses and everything.” she said. “I’m walking away from you and your everything because that’s what I want to do, what I need to do for myself.”
“Now, you’re just being a bitch. I gave you everything! Don’t you dare walk away!” he screamed at her, gripping her wrist tighter.
She struggle to fight off his grip on her, “Everything? You gave me nothing! I am walking away from you because you gave me nothing, and I don’t deserve nothing.”
Victoria successfully fought off his touch and ran straight ahead, bumping people on the streets. Flying through the huge sea of traffic, of people, and suddenly she felt as if she was flying. And she was free now.
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This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!
There doesn't need to be a comma after "back" and it actually makes the story flow worse so it'd be better if you just took it out.
One, this is all one sentence and it has four commas in it. I suggest you cut this up into more sentences than that. I'm going to just throw out an example way of how you could do that:
"She heard what he said loud and clear. Clearer than most lakes, oceans and seas, but no matter she tried to feel something for him again, she couldn't. From the bottom of her heart, she just couldn't feel anything."
I added some words in to make it sound nicer overall, but that's just an example of something you could change it to. Also, how clear are lakes or seas or oceans? Because they don't seem /all/ that clear to me.
This whole short story felt more like just a scene. And I empathized with Victoria though we the readers didn't really know the characters or what happened before. What I'm trying to say is that it would've had more effect if you fleshed out the characters more. Told us more about them.
This was interesting for a snippet, though it wasn't anything mind-blowing
Have a great day!
Hey there! I just wanted to say that this is a really awesome bit of writing. I really admire how you've created the dialogue to be so dramatic and it therefore builds a good image of the scene in my head - setting the atmosphere for the story. I like how you've used lots of exclamation marks to emphasize this - yeah you've got skill for writing dialogue!
Also I really love some of the description you've used. First of all the idea of him "gripping her wrist tighter" emphasizes the dramatic atmosphere and conveys his desperation for her to stay with him quite effectively.
Furthermore, the 'sea of traffic' description is awesome! And the fact she's flying, like a bird, portrays that she's free to do as she wished with no ties to him.
My only criticisms... I'm personally not so keen on the adjective used in the third paragraph "nice". It is quite plain in description, and I feel like you could've been more adventurous in how you spoke about the situation.
Also, your description about "clearer than most lakes and seas" I wasn't that keen on - again I think you could be more adventurous or more specific. For instance, something like... "clearer than the crystal waves that smother the rocks on the harbour" or something ya know? Also, some lakes, oceans and seas aren't all that clear.. some are polluted or just generally misty :p
Overall this is awesome though ! Keep it up- hope I could help
Taking a single instance and narrating that is great. I loved using the word exasperated