Published September 30, 2009
Watch the stars by night time and I promise by the day,
This one last kiss I will not miss as the sunshine fades away.
Fly we must across the sea to a place where we belong,
Just you, you and me as we sing the final song ,
and for it be
just a chance
that tonight we
must dance
the final dance
I must say I will never leave you ,
but now to be free,
my dear,
you must leave me.
So leave now I can and must keep only this final image of your blonde hair,
so fair, flowing down your smooth naked skin.
I must keep this final image of your green eyes alight with the star studded sky within my heart.
The final image of your gorgeous grin and the sweet dimples on your chin,
I will keep in my mind as well as my broken heart.
I will keep these memories with me even as we are oceans apart.
But now we dance the final dance before my love departs.
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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
The first part of the poem I loved, but when you wrote about she needing to leave him and all that stuff below it just seemed a little off to me, like you where running out of ideas for the poems ending.
AWWW! that was very romantic and intresting. Loved it. Dancing, loving and all that jazz... i'm into it all. There where some moments when you sorda kinda changed you're lovely pattern of words but it was AMAZING! some people mentioned most of the things I wanted to say but yeah... Very good job
I liked all of the feeling you put into it. For example, { I must keep these images with me as we are, oceans apart} You used great word choice, and you should be a professional poet. Keep up the awesome, creative work.XOXOXO *Cassie*
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Theodore Roosevelt"
The title was quite catchy and the poem was worth reading.
The theme of leaving someone to be free brings about thoughts such as growing up and going separate ways.It tells us about something we may not want to do,but we must do,as it is for our own benefit.
The last dance part about enjoying all the good times you can have "right now" was well written.
This work deserves a star.
Good luck.
The first of this poem had me smiling! Very good work! I found towards the ending you kind of dragged it on a lot more,(your single lines) but besides that i really felt your compassion. Definitely a great piece. Keep up the good work, looking forward to your next piece!
awww, that was sweet. Sounded more like a personal experience that a character, but that's how most poetry should be."Watch the stars by night time and I promise by the day,This one last kiss I will not miss as the sun shine fades away" This sounds really good. One nit-pick, all the lines are capitallized when only sentances should be. other wise it was a really nice read.
This isn't bad, not bad at all. A lot of the rhymes flow well and there's a good selection of imagery in here.
). More to that, I can't see why this character likes the girl (?). You talk about bring pretty and have a great face but to me, that's not love. I can't relate to that. Not unless they mean something to each other - avoid the generic undertones of a 'broken heart' and being far away, and take what's left; a stranger confessing his love to someone he/she is about to leave.
That said, there are some serious faults that you should concern yourself with. I guess my biggest problem was identifying with the character, understanding the thoughts going through his (or her?) head. As you can see, I don't even know the gender. Nothing really strikes me as inclining towards a specific sex - it takes skill, but be subtle and try to point it out. Perhaps draw in on a stereotype (you can do that providing the piece isn't about how bad stereotypes are.
This rhyme pattern seems very, very forced. 'Grin' and 'chin' perhaps less so - but they are nonetheless overused rhymes. My biggest problem is 'heart', 'apart' and then 'departs', the latter of which is a much too plastic extension with an 's' on the end. The trick of rhyming is to keep it sounding natural, so that we can't suspect a rhyme before it appears, as if it feels natural. Edgar Allan Poe would illustrate my point very well:
The City in the Sea
I'm not saying that you should write like Poe, but do you see what I mean? Who'd have thought 'silently' was on its way? Experiment with more interesting words, too, that you might have thought as rhyming words beforehand like - once again - 'silently' for 'sea'.
So I hope I've been of some help there! Let me know if I can help answer any of your questions.
Best
Blinky
Dance, I love anything with dance, even if it's not really about dance... we will see, I'm critiquing as I read:
sun shine I think should be one word? maybe?
*and for it be just a chance that tonight we must dance the final dance I must say I will never leave you ,* for me this is awkward as well as *So leave now I can and must keep only this final image of your blonde hair,*
I will keep in my mind as well
as my broken heart. Should be on a line to it's self, together.
The rhyme scheme is very off for me and disrupts the poem. The images are shaky but good.
Sorry to nitpick. Congrats on a job well done.
If you need any help, just give me a pm...
awake