The Big Mistake

Hey, as requested, here's a review. I already did part of it before my computer died, so I'm having to redo the first couple of points. My patience may be a little short as a result, so beware.

It was on a dull and dark windy winters afternoon when I made the biggest mistake of my young life.

I agree completely with Lilicia on all her points here. "When" should be "that", "winters" should be "winter's", and this isn't a particularly good hook. There's too much for us to consider, partly because of all the adjectives. Don't feel you have to use an adjective every time you use a noun, or else we'll be completely swamped.

Staring at the frost bitten grass leading up to the old abandoned mansion, I pondered curiously on what was lurking behind the murky windows of this derelict eyesore of a building that someone once long ago called home.

Sentence is too long, IMO. I've cut a few words I think are unnecessary, so I'll just explain my reasoning here. "Pondered" already implies curiosity, so "curiously" is redundant. Equally, "long ago" implies "once", so that's redundant too. Don't get caught up using too many words in one sentence to repeat points, because it kills off any interest the reader may have had. Oh, and "frostbitten" is all one word.

my stiff hands

Cut "stiff". Every noun does not need an adjective.

Righto, I'll jump in here and say that you need to sort out your its/it's. The rule is simple. I'll give you two examples, just to solidify the different meanings.

It's raining outside.

In this case, "it's" is the contracted form of "it is". Therefore the sentence actually reads, "It is raining outside", but you've inserted the apostrophe to make it clear that you've cut the letter. It's the same as "don't", "wouldn't", etc.

The cat washed its paws.

Here, "its" is used as the possessive, the same as his or her.

Happy? You might know all of that already, and I'm sorry if you feel I've underestimated your intelligence on that part or something, but it's an easy mistake and people do get confused. You've made the mistake several times, and though I won't point them out unless you ask, they do need fixing.

"Why?" I thought, "Why was I so drawn to this house?"

Does your character think in past tense? Change the "was" to "am". Also, the repetition of "why" is very irritating to the reader. I'd just cut it and go straight into the question.

Oh, sure, they would walk past it and gasp and gulp as the sinister tale lingered and whispered among them. But none of them would stay and stand behind, gaping in awe at it's enigma.

I've added commas in here. Your long sentences have been niggling me throughout, but when you start to drop the commas, it becomes worrying.
Another thought for this sentence, while I'm at it. I don't like the use of "whispered" among them. You're personifying it, but at the same time describing the story literally with "lingered". I'd bend in favour of "lingered" here and cut "whispered".

beating with the heart of the ghosts

The ghosts only have one heart between them? Plural, methinks.

floor, its red coated windows were eyes: evil, glaring eyes that followed your every step down the long lane walk home. Its ancient oak door was the mouth, ready to devour any entity which dared foolishly to pass beyond them.

Again, an exceedingly long sentence that needs breaking down. I've done so above, and I've corrected the "it's" for you too, while I'm at it. I said I wouldn't, but it makes no sense to ignore them here.

see the ghosts and ghouls up in person.

Sounds like you're arranging a business meeting with them, due to the use of "in person". I'd change it.

The building whispered to me on the southbound wind lashing at my coat.

Comma after "wind".

"Come to me." It whispered. "Come."

Dialogue should be as follows. "Come to me," it whispered. "Come." If you don't understand the reasoning behind this, let me know and I'll give you a link to some information about it. As it is, I'll take it as a typo.

Scanning the surrounding area carefully.

Cut, it's redundant.

And I tell you dear reader.

Don't talk to the reader like this: "dear reader" is seriously patronising and drives me insane. Cut it.

As I tell say to every other person I may have elsewhere told this tale too to whom I may have told this tale: that what caused me to make the hugest mistake of my life

This shouldn't be a new sentence, so change the full stop to a comma. However, that makes this another really long sentence, so try to cut it up. The "too" here should be "to", while I'm at it, and you could probably rephrase as "to whom I've told this tale", as shown above.

a blood curdling scream

"bloodcurdling", all one wonderful word.

my distant friends

Another patronising little aside I'd have you cut.


Okay, that'll do. I'll do my little overall summary now, with some points I think you need to focus on.

Sentence length is generally off the scale. You need to cut some of these down, seriously! You don't use commas to good effect, missing them when you need them and slipping them in at odd points in the sentence. My advice is to read it aloud, because you'll know from your breathing where commas should go. The sentence length is fairly easy to fix; just find a point in the sentence where you could split it, and then rearrange it so you don't end up with fragments. I can see that you've split a few here, but you leave them as fragments, which is almost as bad.

it's and its, but I already discussed them further up.

Tone. The tone here is very patronising, as I noted, and it didn't allow me to connect with your character. I think you're trying to achieve the style of an old ghost story, but in that case I want you to give your character a proper voice - at the moment it just sounds like a teenager trying to write pretentious prose, which is basically what it is. You could pull off pretentious prose, but it's quite hard to do. Reduce it as much as you can and we'll be able to feel the fear a bit better.

Ending. It's a bit non-descript and doesn't have the impact I think you'd want it to have. This is partly due to the tone and partly to the pretty boring description of what your character's having for breakfast that precedes it. Cut as much of that as you can, I'd say. It didn't do anything for me, that's for sure.

That's about it for my review. I always try to add something positive at the end here, just to pick you up a bit after all the nitpicking, and here I'll just say that you did a pretty good job of the haunted mansion, considering it's so clichéd. Anyway, have any questions? PM me, or post here - I'll keep an eye out for it.

- Jet.

Hi!
Ohh this is creepy! But good, and very interesting
However, there are always nitpicks!

It was on a dull and dark windy winters afternoon when I made the biggest mistake of my young life.

This is too packed with information to make it a good hook. You want to write something short and mysterious, to set the right mood for the story. Maybe if you cut back on the description?
Winters should be winter's, and 'when' would be better replaced with 'that'.

Staring at the frost bitten grass leading up to the old abandoned mansion, I pondered curiously on what was lurking behind the murky windows of this derelict eyesore of a building that someone once long ago called home.

This is great description, but once again it's pretty hard to take it all in in one go... I've bolded a few words that I don't think need to be added, but it's up to you what you want to do. I guess I'm just trying to say that the description could be pretty powerful if given in small doses

as I imagined all the monstrous horrors, ghosts, ghouls and goblins that may creep and prowl along it's ancient floorboards.

I'm not sure, but I think it would sound better as: seemingly crept and prowled along Also, it's should be its. I noticed this mistake a few times, so I'll leave it up to you to find the rest.

denying me of any fading daylight.

Just a thought... fading daylight's like getting dark, isn't it? And you say it's noon... I think it would be better if you got rid of the fading, and just left daylight. But that's just my opinion! Do what you want

Oh sure they would walk past it and gasp and gulp as the sinister tale lingered and whispered among them.

Comma after 'sure'.

None would see the wonders that I beheld.

The wonders are beheld in the building, not in the MC - so 'I' should be 'it'.

it's red coated windows were eyes, it's evil glaring eyes that followed your every step down the long lane walk home

You can get rid of the second 'its' - the repetition isn't neccesary. In that case, the comma after 'eyes' should be a semi-colon... or something like that. Sorry but my punctation knowledge needs practising! I loved the image you set in this sentence, though.

and it's doors, seemingly ancient double oak doors the mouth, ready to devour any entity which dared foolishly to pass beyond them.

Once again, I love the image, but this could be a sentence of its own. Also, I suggest you mix the words up a bit, for instance: 'Its ancient oak doors were the mouth, ready to devour any entity who dared pass beyond them.' That way it's simpler to read What do you think?

And I tell you dear reader. As I tell every other person I may have elsewhere told this tale too, that what caused me to make the hugest mistake of my life that cold December noon was not my curiosity, not my imagination but pure animal instinct.

There should be a comma after 'dear reader', as the sentence standing by itself doesn't make much sense... Also, 'too' should be 'to'

Okay that's all I could find

So, this is a very interesting story, and the plot held my attention all throughout. However, I have a few words of advice:
Firstly, I know how hard it is to get rid of description - there are so many lovely words out there, and we feel as though they must all be used! However, the reader gets overwhelmed if they find too many words... So I suggest reading through your story and picking out the description that's not all that neccesary. Try to limit to about two or three words at most to a noun, so the reader's attention isn't taken away from the story. It's hard, I know! Just think of the reader...
Secondly, grammar... the thing that I hate! But just make sure that you know that 'it's' = it is, and 'its' is for describing objects, etc... Also, try to avoid super-long sentences! And read over your text to yourself, thinking, "would I be able to say that without getting breathless? Does this fragment need to be joined to the rest of the sentence? Is this comma in te right place?"... And so on! Apart from that, the grammar's good
Thirdly, I have no idea who the main character is. A boy, a girl? How old? Name? Nationality? Country/city person? Happy? Apart from the scene at home, we don't know anything about your MC, and therefore can't feel for them. Maybe if you could give some indication to the answers of a few of those questions?

Sorry, I'm probably being boring! But yes, just think over those points, and this story could be very amazing! Not that it isn't great already, of course ^^

Sorry if I was harsh!

Hope I helped, and keep writing!