Payement

by rl320

Published June 14, 2016

E - Everyone

In short stories

PreviousNext

Jack carefully pushes the cream-covered blanket off of his cold body. He slides his right leg over the side of the mattress, checks to see if his wife is still asleep, then follows it with the left. The little black clock flashes little blue numbers menacingly: 10:33—10:33—10:33—10:34. Jack tries to locate his shoes with his socked feet, too afraid that turning on the light would wake up Mary.

He stands, shoes on, and watches as Mary’s naked back undulates with each breath. Her blonde hair spills across the pillow, curled like it has been every day since they were children. He tries not to cry, tries not to think about Mary asking him if they could name the baby Elizabeth, after his grandmother. Jake slips on the leather jacket she gave him for his birthday and hates the cold touch of the doorknob.

“I love you,” he whispers into the blackness of the bedroom, illuminated only by the weak blue glow of the clock.

The night had been just as cold three years ago. Then, Jack had pulled his torn jacket tight around himself, the wind still managing to chill him. He’d gripped the stolen pink hair clip tight in his fist, as if it were his only tether. 

“Hey! I’ve come to the crossroads every night for a week! I’ve prayed, I’ve sacrificed! What else?” Jack yelled. He was ready to go home, to forget he ever tried this, to continue pining after something that would never love him. “Just,” he sighed, “please.”

Jack groaned at the silence, kicking his boot into the old, graying asphalt. A laugh sounded, lusty and vibrant. Jack whipped around, trying to locate the source in the blackness.

“Have I teased you for too long, boy?” A man emerged from the shadow of an oak tree. His hair was long, dreadlocked and his skin seemed to absorb any light that might've made him less threatening. Jack took a step back. The man was leaning on an ivory cane. He clothed himself a pinstripe suit, a fedora with a purple feather, and shiny black dress shoes. Jack thought he looked like some sort of retired pimp. “Don’t run now, boy. You called me.” The man's voice was deep and thickly accented with something Jack didn't recognize.


Jack held out his hand, the pink hair clip lying in his palm. “I came to ask you for Mary. She’s this woman—”

“You want her?”

Jack nodded quickly. The man took the clip very gingerly from Jack’s palm.

“You realize the payment right?”

“Eternal damnation?”

“Better. Eternity in my service.”

“What's my time limit?”

“Three years. Love takes years off a life.”

Jack nodded quickly.

“Three years from today you come back here. If you don’t, I send the hellhounds.”

Now, Jack waits, twisting the shiny gold wedding ring on his hand. His watch says 11:56—four minutes until his sentence was up. He has four minutes left on this earth until Papa Legba comes to collect him. He wonders how Mary will react in the morning when she finds him gone. Now that the deal was over will she still love him? Will she still want their baby? The baby is the one thing Jack doesn't want to think about. He hadn't planned on children the night he made the deal, just Mary. 

“Papa Legba missed you, Jack.”

He looked up at the shadow of the oak tree. A figure began to form—hazy, then the cane and the fedora came into view.

“Hate to say it, but the feeling isn't mutual.”

The creature laughed, throaty and warm. “How've the last three years been?”

“Heaven.”

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
MooCowPoop
Review
MooCowPoop wrote a review Review · Jun 14, 2016

Hi there, @rl320 !

First, I want to just praise you for stepping outside of the box with such a unique character! You chose to write about lore that not many of us know about, and I am so glad that you chose this! You also did a great job at portraying the complexities of the characters in the story. Also, the way you use imagery is just amazing. Great job!

Below I've listed some of the technical suggestions I have for this story. Feel free to completely disregard some or all of my suggestions, because it is your work!


Jack carefully pushes the cream-covered blanket off of his cold body.

Spoiler
Immediately I think of death. Spooooooky.

He slides his right leg over the side of the mattress, checks to see if his wife was still asleep, then follows it with the left.
Spoiler
Needs to be in present tense.

10:33—10:33—10:33—10:34.
Spoiler
AMAZING! The suspense and pacing here are great.


He stands, shoes on, and watches as Mary’s naked back moves with each breath.
Spoiler
Do you have any more exciting terms to use? perhaps "rises and falls"?

He tries not to cry…
Spoiler
Oh! The tension![/quote]
...tries not to think about Mary asking him ___ they could name the baby Elizabeth, after his grandmother.
[spoiler]Insert “if”.


“I love you,” he whispers into the blackness of the bedroom, illuminated only by the weak blue glow of the clock.
Spoiler
What a stark image. It is a good connector to the story at hand.[/quote]
A laugh
sounded. Jack whipped around, trying to locate the source.
[spoiler]I think you need an adverb here to accurately capture what's going on. Also, perhaps a more exciting term can used--was it simply a laugh? Or was it something more sinister and haunting, like a cackle? Was it a hacking laugh? Was it hellish? A grotesque laughter that bellowed, deep in Papa Legba's pit of a stomach?

“Have I teased you for too long, boy?”
Spoiler
Ah, the dialect! Interesting that is reflects the typically Southern drawl, however, I am not sure if this is historically accurate. Google being my source, I found that Papa Legba originates from Haitian folklore, which is not quite American Southern... But I could be wrong (and most likely am)! Either way, it doesn't deter the story's greatness!

“Three years. Love takes years off a life”
Spoiler
You may be missing some punctuation here.

“Three years from today you come back here. If you don’t, I send the hellhounds.”
Spoiler
Ouch. But scary awesome!

He wonders if Mary will continue loving him once the deal was over or if she’d wake up tomorrow morning and wonder what she had been doing for three years and why she was having his baby.
Spoiler
This sentence is contextually confusing. Before going into details about his relationship (or lack thereof) with Mary once his sentence is up, perhaps there should be some mention of his suspicious disappearance, and what Mary would think about that?
You could do this by writing in a few lines about Jack's own apprehension about him feeling heartbroken because she'll never be able to contact nor find the love of her life ever again. The only memory of him will be the child she has with him.
That might also provide some more clarity as to Jack's feelings towards children.

The baby is the one thing Jack doesn't want to think about. He hadn't planned on children the night he made the deal, just Mary.
Spoiler
I had a question about why Jack didn't care for the child...Was there something more sinister in his intentions with Mary, so much so that he only married her for something else, much more sinister? Or is he heartbroken?

“Papa Legba missed you, Jack”
Spoiler
Missing punctuation here...I think?


This is a great story! I am so, so glad that you wrote about an atypical monster. It’s refreshing to hear of a Haitian monster. It’s so awesome!

Here are some of my suggestions:

There is not enough about Mary. Does she love him? What kind of relationship did they have? was it only one-sided? At this moment, it seems a bit one-sided because we only get to see Jack's demonstration of love: carries around her pink hair clip and sells his soul to the devil for Mary, but we never get to see enough of what Mary feels. I know what you want to focus this story on Jack, and I believe that through Jack, you can channel some of the emotions of Mary. I feel like at least three more sentences can be added anywhere in the short about his love life with her. We are shown some of it through the suggestion that the two had had sex before Jack left for the underworld in the beginning of the story.

Overall, I had a great time reading this story! I hope you write more like this. Happy writing! :)

rl320 replied · Jun 14, 2016

This is literally the first time in my 5 years of writing that I've had suggestions or constructive criticism, so thank you so much. I did want a way to convey the overall creepiness of Jack selling his soul to force a girl to love him, but I couldn't find out how and thus ended up with Mary as a very emotionless character. But, again thank you so much for reviewing it.

You're welcome! THAT'S CRAZY THAT YOU HAVEN'T RECEIVED ADVICE IN THAT LONG, WHAT?!?!? It's a great piece.

User avatar
writer1204
Review
writer1204 wrote a review Review · Jun 14, 2016

HOLY FREAKING SHITZOOS.
OH MY GOD. THAT WAS JUST FREAKING AMAZING!!

Seriously, you left me speechless!! Wonderful job!
It was an impeccable job, and, truth be told, I really didn't see any grammar mistakes while I read--now, that might've been because of two things:
1) I was TOO into the story.
2) Really, you didn't make any.

This was an amazing piece of work, and I was left wanting more.... No, seriously, I want more.
Please let me know if you plan on extending it or making some sort of part two (or if you simply decided to just not continue and leave it there) because, honestly, I really, really enjoyed it a ton.

The way you handled its plot, with mere simplicity, made it more appealing and it hooks the reader immediately.

Great job and keep on writing!!! :)

--Sincerely, Writer1204

rl320 replied · Jun 14, 2016

thank you so much!! This was pretty much a one-off short story that I did for a creative writing class. Your review made me so happy though! I screenshotted it and sent it to all my friends in my excitement.

HAHAHA!! OH MY GOD, I DO THAT TOO! Shamelessly. Just every review that people leave, since they are just so nice here, go to my camera roll and then they proceed to get distributed all through my contact list HAHA :)
Really happy I was your screenshot!!
Hope you have a nice day/night!



'Tis the season to shovel enormous amounts of watermelon into your mouth while hunched over the cutting board like a dehydrated vampire that hasn't fed on blood in four hundred years and the only viable substitute is this questionable Christmas-colored fruit.
— Ari11