Chapter One
Today is Monday. The worst day of the week. Not only am I sore, but I also have three major presentations in German, French and Spanish. Ugh! I have to work tonight at the barn, and I have to be at target and wrestling tonight for 10:00. This is one of the longest days of the week for me. I’m supposed to meet Ana- Maria before class so we can go over our presentations.
Ana-Maria is my one and only best friend. She is the only one in the school that looks past the tomboy look. Anyway, Ana is about 5’6 and flat. Unlike me, she is a pin. She has a face full of freckles and long sandy blonde hair. She has the greenest eyes you can imagine and she the sweetest thing next to my grandma’s applesauce. She knows all about me and my various jobs all over the world. Ana has never been out side of her own backyard, except for school. But I guess being the daughter of the richest people in the town has its disadvantages too. I think saying that her parents are very protective is an understatement. Kinda. Ana and I have been friends since the day I moved here in gr.2. I was the outcast of the already clicky group of kinds. Ana was the one that became my friend proving to everybody that I wasn’t a freak. And of coarse they listened. Having her as a best friend sometimes had its advantages. It has disadvantages too. But that’s okay. She’s like the sister I never had and I would put my life on the line for her any day!
I opened my locker and all five of the textbooks that I had shoved in there on Friday fell out on top of me.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm well this is a nice neutral start here for a first chapter. Well, its not quite the relaxed atmosphere you usually have with neutralish starts, this one's a bit more fast paced and there is a slight sense of urgency although the situation here doesn't seem quite like the sort of thing that kicks off a plot. EIther way though, this definitely does get your attention as a reader pretty nicely, so let's see where this goes.
OKay well this is a decent sort of way to introduce that character although I will say this part currently reads a bit like an info dump here. I think you could probably try and reduce this down a tiny bit and reveal this information in a slightly more subtle way cause right now it completely crashed the flow of the rest of the piece and while its fairly well constructed it just really doesn't fit in will with the rest of this piece here.
That's especially because of that ending there. Its a nice undercurrent of humor and it fits well with the tone of the opening making that clash with the middle portion that much more apparent, so while this is a decent start here I think you need to look into that introduction there a bit and make it fit in a bit smoother.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Nice your really starting to improve.
I love te story already.
Can't wait to read the rest, just pm me when you get the next part done.
Regards:
Lord Anzius
What's the plot to this story? It sounds like you took half of chapter one and threw it on the site. I mean, you're writing's good, but you need to put more on here. I'de be dissapointed if this was the whole of chapter one.
Its a great start. You just need more. I hope you put the rest up soon!