Prologue
Philip walked briskly down the corridor. Maney had only but minutes before informed him that the Lady of Lessex had come to call and was waiting for him in the parlor.
“What the hell does she want now?” Philip demanded.
“Well know sir, she didn’t specify. She seemed in a hurry to see you.”
“Damn it!” sighing inwardly, he turned to leave. “Thank you Maney.” The butler nodded. Philip could not guess what she wanted now. After the scandal that involved both their names and almost ruined his reputation, he was in no frame of mind to speak with her. The press taking charge of the situation and publishing every lie that she spun. He was as helpless as a newborn baby. Finally, after pressing charges and hiding out in his own home, only a month and a half later, he felt like a free man. He didn’t have the press dogging his heals all day everyday if he did manage to get out, which in fact was very rare. Suppressing another sigh, he pushed open the door to the parlor. She was standing by the big bay window situated at the west end of the room.
Lady Emilie Jordan was a very petite woman. She was a woman that wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and apparently not afraid to tell lies either, he thought bitterly to himself. Emilie had long chestnut brown hair, beautiful green eyes and sharp cheekbones. In fact, it was her eyes that had caught his attention the first time they met. Today she was wearing a simple pale blue spring dress. The colour of the dress made those impossible green eyes stand out. She turned to look at him.
“What do you want now Emilie?” she winced at his sharp tone. He tried to keep the hostility out of his voice. Yes, he thought, it’s just easier to play a complete idiot in this kind of situation. Keep your mouth shut Philip told himself sternly. He looked at her.
“Oh Philip! I’m afraid I have some very, very bad news!” she looked at him avoiding his gaze. A gleam reflecting off the lights in the room, giving away the trace of tears she refused to let fall. Her bottom lip trembled.
“What is it Emile?” Temper check old boy, your getting ahead of your self here. Sighing impatiently he added, “What kind of news do you have for me? Have you started another scandal so I would have to be forced to marry you? Or do you have some legitimate bad news?” What the hell was that? Damn it, Philip your going to get your self in trouble! Why can’t you learn to keep you mouth shut? He looked her in the eye. Her charm not affecting him this time. She had turned pasty white, at his out burst.
“I’m pregnant.” It came out as barley a whisper.
All colour drained from Philips face, making him look dead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello!
Just a little bit too much talk about the eyes.
A comma before the name, and it was Emilie, not Emile, right?
A comma before the name, again.
I can imagine the lady saying this, so good. I can even hear her voice.
Barely, I suppose?
You forgot the apostrophe.
All in all, the story seems pretty interesting. PM me when the next part is up, and I'll see what I can do. See you!
Demeter xx
Well, I’m intrigued. What is their history? What lies have been spun? What will he do? I was defiantly caught up it…. so nice job! As for my critique, it seems as though everyone before me has already jumped on the grammatical errors -which, by the way, is good because grammar is not really my thing- so I will refrain from any more. However, I can offer you something to add to your beginning if you’re open to it. For example, I would love to know where they are. Is it a castle? Does it have pallid columns with marble floors? You did such a wonderful job with your lady’s description, why stop there? I would love to see a surrounding. Paint me the land in which all these twisted lies are entangled in.
Hi. First off, I would like to say that it reminds me of something the fabulous Jennifer Donnelly would write (and that's no insult).
Well, back to the text itself: There were a fair bit of errors, mostly your lack of commas.
'Sighing' should be capitalised.
In all of these, there should be a comma before the name. E.g. "How are you, good sir?" etc.
You're, not your.
Over-all, I'd say it's an intriguing prologue. I would definitely read more.
So long as you work on those minute grammatical errors, you should be fine.
Finally, I would just ask you to consider how often you put the name after a question, if you get me. If you listen to real conversations, you will notice that that does not happen quite so frequently. But then, that's just me being fussy.
Best luck!
Lauren
ringettegirl,
Hello, my name’s Esme, and today I shall be one of your story’s cirtters. As always with my critiques, you’ll get a line-by-line one first, and any impressions that I might have shall follow.
Quote:
The press taking charge of the situation and publishing every lie that she spun, he was as helpless as a newborn baby.
Run-on, run-on!
Quote:
.Finally after pressing charges and hiding out in his own home, only a month and a half later he felt like a free man.
Comma after first word, and another after “later”.
Quote:
He didn’t have the press dogging his heals all day everyday if he did manage to get out. Which in fact was very rare.
I suggest merging those two sentences. I don’t quite understand, though, the “if he did manage to get out”.
Quote:
She was a woman that wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and apparently not afraid to tell lies either, he thought bitterly to himself.
It it’s him who thinks it, then “a woman” would be better.
Quote:
In fact it was her eyes that had caught his attention the first time they met.
Comma after “fact”
Quote:
“What do you want now Emilie?” she winced.
Comma. And as it is, it appears as if it is Emilie who said it. And it’s not.
Quote:
Keep your mouth shut Philip he told himself sternly.
Er, what? Comma. And either “Philip” or “he”.
Quote:
temper check old boy, your getting ahead of your self here.
Capitalize.
Quote:
Damn it Philip your going to get your self in trouble!
Commas.
CAREFUL, CAREFUL…
-> Fourth paragraph, or rather the chunk of a paragraph. It has to split - skimming through it, I saw at least two places in which it could - and should - be done so. Last sentence, e.g., should be on its own.
-> Talking about that “scandal”. Hmm, elaborate a bit, there?
-> Punctuation, and more emphasize on his “thoughts” is needed.
FANTASTIC!
-> The pregnancy part is yes, not entirely original, but it still worked.
-> Potential - I am very curious as to how this shall turn out.
-> Characters. Seem very interesting, but they do have to be more developed before I say anything on the subject. That’ll be more obvious in the future installments, yes? (the MC is good, but I’d like to know more about his lady).
Cheers,
Esme
I'm curious to get to know the relationship between Emilie and Phillip. The scandals are probably a no-brainer, of course, with the baby thing.
I'm mildly interested. It has potential, though on first thought, it kind of seems like an unoriginal plot, the whole "I'm prego" thing. But I will give the next chapter a try and see how it goes. Keep writing. I shall like to see what else you have to show.
Holly