In the early 22nd Century ,the majestic city of London,England was defamed to be the epicenter of international crime. Criminal from all around the world found that they were able to do justice to their heinous motives.
The then Deputy commissioner of Police ,Mr.Fredirich Gordon was much afraid of those atrocious criminals who would not miss any oppurtunity to unleash terror not only on the affluent but also upon the destitute.Whenever Mr.Gordon enquired of his sub-ordinates as to what their approach to this situation was, they all ended up providing ludicrous opinions . He lost all hopes and was convinced that the officers were tackling the situation top overcome crime in a non-pragmatic manner.
Mr.Gordon called up his friend Alexander Morgan who was the vice-admiral in the navy.Alexander Morgan won bravery medal for the man who handled the navy so well and fighting valiantly that the enemies who planned to seize England and Scotland had to retreat.
Mr.Gordon said," Hey Alex. How are you doing old buddy?"
Alex replied he was doing well and if Gordon is tensed.
Mr.Gordon said,"I am pretty much all right. The increasing crime rate and the recent terrorist attack on Wales has petrified me. The officers here seemed apathetic to things going around and very much clueless. All of these made me a bit discombobulated."
Alex said," Relax, I know you have some of the bravest of the brave at your esteemed department. I am sure that your audacious cops will eradicate crime for good."
Mr.Gordon said,"No, you do not understand Alex. These villains are a bit different and not old school. Analytical thinking has not been a triumphant approach. I need someone who can get to the root of the problems floating around.Hey, by the way I know a guy in your navy renowned for gallantry."
Alex said," I think you are referring to Jack Williams, who is also our infiltration specialist. He is absolutely dauntless and gets gratification by solving any mystery or aiding in capture of any most-wanted bandits"
"I would like to meet him personally", said Mr.Gordon.
Alex said,"Ok, I shall talk to Jack about this and organize a meeting with him. Be a little circumspect because he possess a volatile personality."
The next day Mr.Gordon meet Jack in a restaurant.He disclosed his plans on how he wish to deploy secret agents to identify the possible causes of crime and where it is emanating from.
Jack said," I have worked on naval missions only. How come I prove to be a good agent or undercover cop for you.You should have picked someone from the Armed forces."
Mr.Gordon said,"I am quite confident of your infiltration abilities and your temerity will easen every approach we make henceforth."
Jack said,"You cannot expect me to deal with all the criminals and ensure success to your confidential mission.It is going to be out and out a big formidable task for the likes of me."
Mr.Gordon said,"Fear not young man, you are not going to leash a full fledged onslaught on the culprits and accomplices. You are needed to tackle the cases one by one. I shall provide you the details of the pending cases.
As the incumbent deputy commissioner, it is my responsibility to halt the proliferation of criminals in this city and ensure peace and solace to guileless citizens."
Jack said," Hold on, there is too much on the plate now, now many tasks and I am not your top henchmen for this anyway. I was not trained to undergo any of these. I think these things will suck ."
Mr.Gordon said,"Wait,before you end up underestimating your abilities and arrive at any conclusion due to any information misinterpreted or otherwise, I need to provide you with someone who can actually assist you and watch your back.Someone who understands the psychology of criminals and be your helping hand at this mission.Someone you can rely upon and someone who is at par with you on exhibiting traits of boldness.I think it be in your best interests though not mine to find you a female companion."
Jack laughed out loud and was making a mockery to the argument provided by Gordon.
Mr.Gordon said," We need someone with a cool mind and with ability of rational thinking."
Jack said,"Were you assuming all the brave ladies you knew had sense of rationality. I have no time to find out the assumptions of your facts which always seemed to have underlying meaning."
Mr.Gordon said,"Tomorrow meet me at this location specified in the card. I have three contenders, all equally strong and worthy to be your compeer."
Next morning ,Jack arrived at the secret location mentioned by Mr.Gordon and found Mr.Gordon to be already present on the spot. He introduced Jack to all the top three contenders that are willing to fight it out to be a part of this mission.
The first lady was Elina Adams. She was a kick-boxer and an Olympic medal winner.
The second lady was Emily Jones. She was a student of Criminal Psychology at university of Copenhagen and was a meritorious student.She was also adept in mountain-climbing.
The last lady was Melina Joseph. She was a women wrestler and also part time bar-dancer.
Jack said," All these belong to diverse background and how would any one fit into these roles. I don't understand."
Mr.Gordon replied that he had arranged some tasks to single out the best option in the lot.He further told that the first event would be a wrestling match three way to test for strength. The second event would be a hurdled race to test for endurance and agility. The last session would be one on one discussion to assess someone better.
Jack agreed to all these stipulations to pick the best one.
Mr.Gordon also replied that each would be marked out of ten for performance in each events.The one with the highest aggregate score will win.
Jack nodded his head.
There was a ring filled with sand for the wrestling event.The three girls entered the combat zone and looked ready to rumble. Jack volunteered to be the referee for the match so that he could get close to the physical action.He was not taking it very seriously.All he wanted was to witness a cat-fight.
Mr.Gordon rang the bell and the ladies behaved very violently.Melina who was a women wrestler started dominating and was by far the most aggressive.Elina who was a kick-boxer tried kicking Emily but she jumped and dodged most and Elina delivered a devastating dropkick to Melina. Melina was infuriated and grabbed Elina's neck. She was aggressively chocking out Elina and lifted her in Fireman's carry position and threw her out of the ring. Elina was eliminated and she earned only five points out of ten. Emily tried combating valiantly but she had no techniques.
Melina super kicked her and attacked her with a submission hold. Emily was screaming in pain but didn't give up.Emily was able to punch out of the predicament situation and punched Melina on the face. Melina got up and looked vicious and seemed hell bent on destroying Emily. Finally, Melina was able to tire-out Emily and was able to lift her and powerbombed her. Then Melina was able to fling Emily out of the ring.
For courage ,Emily earned eight out of ten and for sheer dominance Melina earned a perfect ten.
The ladies looked exhausted after the battle and each had to drink a full bottle of energy drink.
Mr.Gordon and Jack on their way back home told that they would meet them on the race track for the hurdled race.
The men bade goodnight and left.
The following day was a Saturday. A perfect day for sports and was bright and sunny.
Mr.Gordon and Jack reached the race course and set up a few hurdles. The race was meant to be very innovative and will not only test endurance and stamina but also intelligence of the competitors.
Mr.Gordon placed certain thick timbers on the way, Jack threw some brick here and there. A pond like hollow place was created which was moderately filled with water. The competitors will have to cross it via swimming or by pole-vault. They need to be smart to make that choice which will save their precious time.
There were stands with torch on top of them. Flames were shooting out at full blast. Some ice bags would be placed by the side with narrow space to go underneath it. The participants will have to decided whether to pour ice into the torch and wait for the flames to be turned out or go underneath the stands and endure too much of heat.There was a swamp type of creation with a wooden plank to help them ascend to the surface but the swamp was very condense and will offer resistance to the candidates. This was placed very near to the finish line and there were two ATVs for the two ladies reaching first and can race their way to the finish line.
The race-track was designed to figure out the smart and agile candidate.
As expected the girls reached there by 9:30 in the morning and saw a chopper approaching them. Surprised to have found Mr.Gordon and Jack emerged out of it. Jack showed the race course to the girls and explained about the hurdles and obstacles in their path. Mr.Gordon reminded that easy success will not be ensured here and they should put their thinking cap on as the compete.
"This task is demanding and will draw every ounce of your strength ",said Mr.Gordon.
Jack was standing close to the finish line and Mr.Gordon led the ladies to the starting point.
"On your mark. Get ready. Get set go!", shouted Mr.Gordon and fired a bullet in the air.
The ladies started running.Elina who was an Olympic medal winner ran the fastest to reach the first hurdle.The thick and tall timbers on the ground with bricks laid here and there.She was climbing the timbers one by one and was crossing each very carefully.Then came Emily. Emily knew she had a chance as she was a mountain climber and tackled tasks like those before. She climbed onto one timber and jumped crossing two or three blocks which made her neck and neck with Elina. Melina was a bit stupid .She violently kicked the timbers and in an attempt to emulate Emily, she jumped from one timber and accidentally landed on the bricks on her back and was hurt. The physicians came forward and started examining her condition. She was wounded and started to bleed.
Elina and Emily continued the race when they were greeted by the hollow place filled with water and Elina quickly realized her athletic abilities and used pole-vault to fly over the hollow pool of water. Emily jumped on the pool and started swimming. She absorbed as much water as possible. Elina reached the third obstacle and saw stands with torch of flame. Without wasting any moment she started throwing ice cubes into the torch. Desperately, she even threw the entire ice bag. Emily was running and noticed enough space underneath the stand for a slim girl to pass through. She had swum across the hollow pool and absorbed plenty of water in her clothes. Not only she was wet but she was also very cool. She quickly crawled underneath the stands and escaped.Though she felt the scorching heat, her cool body endured it without much physical harm done to her. Elina looked frustrated and did not know what to do. She screamed in anger. Ultimately, she used the pole-vault. She ran and pole-vaulted over the torch and flame.
Both the ladies showed fierce competitiveness and never say die attitude. Again they were neck and neck in the race.
Elina understood that Emily was a strong competitor and would be hard to beat. She kicked Emily in the feet. Emily feel down and Elina quickly reached the ATVs and drove past the swamp and ascended the wooden block.Emily got up, very angry with her eyes turned red. She ran like anything, reached the second ATV and drove past the swamp and by the time she reached the wooden block,Elina already crossed the finish line and won. Emily crossed two minutes after that and Melina was rushed to Hospital for further check up.
The doctors confirmed that Melina was hurt and hence had to be disqualified.
Elina scored a perfect ten while Emily scored eight again.Emily was still leading ,the last face of interview round will decide their fate.
Emily went to have a fight with Elina but Mr.Gordon stopped them and asked them to be sporty.
Mr.Gordon suggested that the final event to be a dance off contest rather than a boring interview and each of the two girls would be allowed to dance with Jack and portray their skills in dancing. Jack had no other options but to agree. He seemed excited. In fact he even thanked Gordon for such a lovely proposition.
The two ladies were invited to Mac Grill Studios where they will compete in a final dance off challenge. Two professional dancers were roped in to judge the contest.
Next day was a Sunday , a perfect day for hosting the finals of any event.
The scoreboard read with Elina having fifteen points and Emily with sixteen points.
Melina was invited to be a spectator was her toes were bandaged which threw her out of the contender ship.
Emily still remembered the cheating done by Elina to win the last contest and she knew Elina can go to any extent to register a victory for herself. Emily understood that she needs to do something brilliant or extra-ordinary to emerge victorious.
Elina was very excited. She choose to wear a short dance. She had athletic body and was also very agile.She started dancing with Jack and displayed cool tactics. The judges really appreciated and gave out really nice comments.
Emily could sense fear but she was still confident. She knew she had to do something beyond dancing. She was pretty and lively, less tense but Elina had a fantastic body. She knew it and she was sure Elina earned good scores.
Emily geared up to dance with Jack. She was able to match steps and displayed moves from jives and salsa that she had learned earlier.She was not so swift and agile as Elina but was dancing well . Jack looked a bit tired as it was his second dance of the day. He seemed less energetic. At the end, Emily kissed Jack and not let him go.He fell on the floor with Emily over him. Finally, Mr.Gordon had to rush to the stage to separate the two. He uttered a few curse words.Elina looked shocked and was lamenting about the fact that why she didnot try such desperate means.
The two judges stood up and appreciated the pair with standing ovation.Emily looked pleased.
The judges revealed their scores and Elina scored nine out of ten.Emily looked horrified.Elina had scored twenty four out of thirty. Now Emily needs to score above eight to win. She was anticipating a good score. She screamed in joy when the judges revealed her score.She scored a perfect ten which took her score to twenty six out of thirty and was declared a clear winner of the tournament.
Mr.Gordon asked Jack if he was happy. Jack replied returning the favour. He hugged and kissed back Emily.
Elina shouted in utter disbelief. Jack was a bit disappointed that he could not kiss all the three ladies but he had to satisfy himself with whatever he got.
Mr.Gordon announced the formation of the duo which will solve mystery and combat crime with a purpose to wipe out criminals. They will be now known as "JACK n JONES".
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Hi there rikkidas! Niteowl here to review for the Mazarine Marauders this fine Review Day!
Now, this seems like an interesting premise but it plays out a bit strangely to me. Why does Jack need a female companion? Why are these ladies even interested in the position? What on earth do these contests have with solving crime? Oh and isn't it usually a bad idea for co-workers to make out?
Things to consider:
1) Strengthening the female characters. Right now, they just feel like cardboard props. I suppose as this story continues, there will be plenty of opportunity to flesh out Emily's character. Make her have her own thoughts and feelings. Have her disagree with Jack as opposed to just being his "yes-woman".
2) You clearly have a rich vocabulary, which is hardly a bad thing. But in some places it feels a bit stilted, like it doesn't belong. For example, I've never heard "compeer" and I looked it up. It feels archaic to me. Think about what word sounds the most natural.
Overall, it seems like there's a lot of potential here, but right now this first chapter feels a tad ludricrous. I'd love to see how future adventures pan out, though. Peace, Love, and Fahrvergnugen!
Okay, so I'm going to focus on the dialogue in your story here. Because you've got an interesting idea to start with, and I love that it's your almost stereotypical cop-show duo (see American Dad: Wheels and the Leg-Man), but it's set in futuristic England, which is different.
But a lot of your dialogue tends to be really, really information-dumpy. What I mean is, you're using your dialogue to convey information about the story and characters, but not in a naturalistic way. Let's look at the first exchange as an example, shall we?
I'm going to go through this scene with you step-by-step and explain what I mean.
The very first line of dialogue is "exposition dialogue," which is almost always unnecessary. You don't need to dramatize it at all because it's dull, ordinary, everyday sort of dialogue such as greetings, inquiries after one's well-being, and things like that. So that could basically just be cut.
The rest of the dialogue is mostly kind of wooden. It's too perfect and trim, which real speech rarely is. People often speak in sentence fragments, half truths, are broken off, stutter, use slang, drop words. You don't want to copy real-life speech TOO much, because if you did then none of your readers would understand what was going on. But as I saw in a recent quote, dialogue should give the illusion of being real speech while actually giving us more together information than real-life speech.
For example, when Alex says "I think you are referring to Jack Williams, who is also our infiltration specialist" and so on. First of all, how does he know that Mr. Gordon was referring to Jack just from Mr. Gordon's comment about a man known for his gallantry? Gallantry is all very well and nice, but is the volatile Jack really SO gallant that your know that's who your friend was talking about just from one comment? Also, Mr. Gordon knows Jack is gallant but not that he's an infiltration specialist? It actually makes more sense for Mr. Gordon to simply state his problem and have Alex tell him about Jack as a solution.
I feel like this would make more sense to you with an example, so here is an example of how you could rewrite the dialogue (keeping in mind that my writing style is going to be different from yours, so of course your revised dialogue wouldn't sound quite the same):
The main thing to note about my example is that it's a lot shorter. I've cut out lines that seemed unnecessary, repetitive, or lagging. Some lines that came across as being information-dumpy before feel more natural now because I've taken out phrases like "As you know," "I'm sure that," and "I believe you're referring to."
Now, your revised dialogue wouldn't be complete quite like this, because right now my example is a bit too dialogue heavy. The amount of dialogue is nice, but it should be broken up by action. Some things to consider:
1. Where are the men having this conversation?
2. What are they doing while having this conversation?
3. Based on your answers to those two questions, what are some small actions you can insert into the scene to break up the dialogue? Maybe Alex straightens his spectacles and Mr. Gordon takes sips of tea.
In which case, the example would look more like this:
(That's still not much action, but at least you have an example now.)
I know that was a lot, but I hope it's a good thing for you to be getting on with ironing the kinks out of your dialogue. Most if it just involves cutting superfluous speech and inserting some action and description.
Blue