I want to see your smile,
But i got only sorrow
Without you my life is going to end soon
I hope that you know.
I have nothing, no spark
no silence in me.
It seems, I don't deserve anything
That is why you are far from me.
No one wants to see me
Seems that relations doesn't mean anything
Friends and family don't want to understand me
And you don't want to be with me.
I wish to tell you
That without you,
My life is a barren desert
Its all darkness and no emotions.
I wish to promise you
If you come again
I'll make your life like heaven
With just love and happiness.
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hello there! Here to review.
Ok, so first off I'd just like to say that I think you should change your title. Not the words, but just make sure that you spell everything right in it! (A lot, not alot).
Firstly, capitalize your Is. Secondly, I think that it should be "I get only sorrow" because that's keeping in with the right tense.
These lines don't have much of a punch to them, to be honest. It feels a little generic to say "my life is going to end soon" and actually, it doesn't add that much to the poem as a whole. I think that if you came up with some really nice imagery here, or perhaps just used some more adjectives, you could have some really nice lines that make the reader empathize with your narrator.
Here, I think that it would be really nice if you expanded on some of the ideas you have. Although I think that the line "no silence in me" is a little different to the rest of your poem, if you expanded on it in the nest two lines then it could turn into a really nice stanza.
Again, the reader wants more! Explain what the family does, explain how the narrator feels about this. Say something like "Their faces turn away when I walk into the room." (or, y'know, something). But yeah, you don't want to just spend a line on each idea, you want to make them bigger!
Although I love the idea of the desert imagery, I think that your last line is a little contradictory. Perhaps you could change the thing saying no emotions, because although it is a wonderful idea it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the poem which is about missing someone. You could say something like "and no emotions apart from regret." But you'd have to phrase it a lot better than I just did!
Ok, so I don't really have anything that's wrong with this stanza. It's quite nice, but it doesn't finish with a bam which is what you really want endings to do! So, my advice here would be to kep this stanza, but add another one after it which really finishes the whole thing and ties it up nicely!
Overall I think you have a very good starting base for a poem here. However, it is only a starting base and I think that you need to work on it so that it can reach it's full potential! I would add in some imagery where it's needed and expand your ideas! At the moment we aren't really feeling what your narrator is feeling, there's not much of a connection between the reader and the poem. You need to address that and instead of just giving lines about what is happening, really focus in on thoughts and emotions!
Hope this helped!
~Amy
With the exception of the first comma, all the commas seem to be unnecessary and make the poem kind of choppy.
Just thought I'd note that Alot is not a word, and I think you could come up with a better title, because I really like the poem and I don't think the title reflects the creativity of your writing.
Nice work:)
Hello its IR here to review your poem.
First off, i see your new here, and you should check out the welcome page and post there to get some friends. Also there is a 4:1 system here. Which means you must do 4 reviews for every 1 post.
Ok, now,
I really like this a lot. Whenever i write poems it ends out sad like this too. But maybe you should add more on all the things the writer would do to make the other one happy, and then end with a note of sadness Then the reader knows how much the writer really wants them.
Overall it was very good. Also, if you want to get a picture by your name, which is a good idea. Go to your profile and upload one from your computer or the internet.
Great Poem!