Sunshine

Well hello there.

It's nice to see you've taken up writing as a hobby. When you're just starting out and think of it as a sort of hobby, it becomes easy to fall in love with it. Soon it becomes a bit more serious of a hobby, like something you absolutely need to do. You get more serious about it and grow much better at it. Basically I just wanted to say it's okay if you don't feel you're as good at it starting out. You'll pick up pretty quickly I'm sure. ;] And it's great you joined the site so that us older writers can help you out along the way. I'll start by lending you a hand here with what you've written in this piece.

One thing I want to stress is it's important to have the tense of your work organized neatly in one fashion. If it's present tense, keep things present tense, if it's past tense or future tense, be sure to write only in the way that best suits that fashion. I noticed you had a tendency to jumble up the tensing of your words quite dramatically, and it became very distracting as I went along reading. It made me wonder if English perhaps isn't your first language? Or the only language you know? I knew a girl on here whose writing was really very beautiful, but she had the same problem with sorting out the tense of her words, and English wasn't her first language. It's something you must grow properly accustomed to and familiar with if you want your writing to come out smoothly and with excellent flow. An example of what I mean here:

I was convinced he really do did loves love me, so I walked to my way home from their his house.


I crossed out the words that were off-tense, and replaced them with what should have made this a much clearer sentence. Also, you say their house. Wouldn't it be his house? Seeing as you're only speaking of the one person, this boy that this girl loves?

Something I didn't so much like about this was the apparent lack of creativity in the scene. I understand that you were indeed striving for a sort of love story here, and those types of stories do tend to ring on the more popular side in young writers, but I didn't see much life in your writing. You were simple describing an obvious thing, that this girl loved a boy who thought of her as simply another notch on his belt. There are so many different endless ways you could have gone about describing this! There was really no need to be so simple. If you have an idea, run with it in the most creative way possible.

Almost always describe scenes in the most vivid way possible. This was another big thing I wanted to shed some light on. When I read this there wasn't much motivation for feelings. It was all rather dry and spoken rather than felt. When writing feelings you must show motivation for those feelings. In this piece you just went for the obvious angle. You wanted this girl to be heart broken, so you had her overhear her boyfriend telling a friend that his intention was to break her heart. Why did he want to break her heart? Where was his motivation and logic for this to be something he wanted when this girl treated him so right? (At least from what you say.) It doesn't make sense. What makes even less sense is the fact that this character you have telling the story can still love this person. You never explain why. You never give any reason for these feeling. There should be some sort of logic coming from this story for the reader to be able to properly understand where the character is coming from. You can't always write things in plain as you have here. It just doesn't work.

You had quite a lot going on here as far as grammatical errors and punctuational mistakes. Normally I wouldn't mind pointing such things out for whomever so that they may correct these mistakes and therefore cleanup their writing prior to further editing, but there was simply too much to weed through here and I wasn't aiming to have my entire review be based off cleaning up your general errors and such. If you'd like, I can gladly help you out with this though. But for the most part, I think it might help if you attempted to run back through this with a fine-tooth comb and sift out all the little mistakes yourself first. If you have any trouble at all with this, feel free to ask for some help. I'd be quite willing to lend a hand. :]

That all said though, I definitely think this could use some work. In general, you might want to think about injecting some more personality and some originality into your work before getting too serious on keeping this whole climax as the center of your story. It shouldn't be too hard to really come up with a suitable enough structure to this idea. You seem to already have the motivation for what you want your story to be. Now just channel it, and come up with something especially intriguing! :]

I hope I didn't come off sounding too harsh. Really, my only intention ever is to help where I can. If you have any questions concerning my review, feel free to shoot a PM my way!

-Sunshine

Here's my real comment/review mr. Andrew! HAHA.

Well, first of all, it was a meaningful haiku. Meanings behind words, love behind letters----
you know what I mean. (flattered ? XD)

So, here are some of my concerns.

Why making everything bold?? Andrew... ano ba yan??!! HAHAHA. (tagalog lang? XD)
And.. those capitalized and italicized words... it's not really fascinating.. maybe you
should just let it out as it is. I get it, but let the reader get everything what you mean, don't make it like too obvious that "SUN" then "shine" , then "YOU" and "ME" ... you know.

Anyway... everything was still beautiful and very classic. It was a great work actually. )))
Okay? Happy? XD

Hey, rewAnd??? Like... danger? Tsk. XD


What's with this Haiku?? I really don't get this.. for real. Like.... duh!!
Such a trash. Do you even know how to create one? well I'll show you..
Don't hate me 'cause you shouldn't, or else the shine will set. WHAHA!

Hey there, nice haiku but since all the reviewers below me has already said what is needed. I will just tell you my opinion.

This is a lovely haiku, is light hearted but is truthful and I like that, a sweet, simple haiku. But also, avoid using bold fonts as it really puts people off. If you want to use it, fine. But use it to illustrate an important point, don't just bold your whole poem. And also, watch out for the capitalization! I know you are stressing that those words are important, but how about bolding the, instead?

Still, I think you did a pret good job! So well done and welcome to YWS!

*Evil Mode* I don't like this one,, its very simple and nothing special ...

Hello rewAnd07

Welcome to YWS, this is a great place to be. If you haven't already have a look around the Welcome Area and Lounge to get to know some of the people here!

Interesting haiku. I have to agree that the typography (your use of block capitals and italics) is the first thing that puts me off. The power is in the words you choose - I don't believe it is necessary to force any emphasis here.

I like the relationship you portray and the closeness, but there's not really anything pulling me in. Why is it like the sun's ray when you're near? Is there something that draws you to the sun? Does it enlighten you to something new? If you add perhaps a few more haiku-structured stanzas that give this poem more substance and detail you could have something very unique and empowering on your hands. As it stands now, it's cute, sure, but it's too easily forgettable.

Hope this helps, and do keep writing! The more you labour at it and rewrite the better you'll be, and this is a good start.

Cheers
Ben

A beautiful haiku. I think you captured the feeling so well here!
I like this a lot.

Hi, welcome to YWS!

Cute poem!
I would suggest next time not to use too much of the itallic, cursive fonts and capitalizing words just because it's more effective when you choose just one word to write differently, so it really sticks out. So in your work, I would say you could leave the "you" in the cursive font.

Also, it's so short! I love your comparison, I can see the connection between the sun and love. If you continue with this poem, you could compare it to other things, describe how this love makes you feel. Or, you could expand on the sunshine-love similie and base your poem off of this, going more in depth.

Looking forward for more!