I was there, running on a wide track
Noticing a girl was standing behind my back.
A lady, puzzling
There I was caught, beguiling.
Everyday, I thought about the dame.
The features she brings was just exactly the same
Though everytime she appears, it's just her back view
And so whenever I see her, I never had a clue
As the day goes by, I got used to her continuous visit
I felt like she has gone beyond my illicit
And so one day, she showed her face, finally
But why did she made my heart beat quickly?
Her face looks familiar
Are my eyes peculiar?
I won't figure it out
If I will not try a different route
I seek some photos of mine
And there's this one photo that shined
The polaroid that was taken by my father
The picture showed me and my deceased mother
I cried and looked at that mysterious girl
She said, "I have always stayed beside my girl."
And she hugged me
I spoke, " I have always loved you, Mommy."
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,821 Reviews
Hey there, my friend! My name is Ellie and I am stopping by fro a quick review for this lovely poem!! Let's jump right in!
First, I want to comment on your use of periods. The second stanza seems to be missing some periods for the last three lines. Besides that, I love this mystery of a poem!
We wonder the whole time, who is this girl? And at the end, well it seems to be her mother.
I enjoyed how you rhymed throughout the whole poem and used a traditional sort of stanza formatting. You were able to deliver the message of the story pretty well and I was very engaged too. So... is her mother deceased and this is a ghost she is seeing? Or did she actually not die the whole time? Or has she come back from the dead or possessed a new body, but still looks like her mother? There is so much more that I want to know, so I feel like you could totally make an awesome part two, but I love this poem by itself. It really makes me think. I don't think I have ever really read mystery poetry before, so thank you for expanding my knowledge!
The second to last stanza also seems like it could have commas and periods, so perhaps going through and revising that part of the organization could be helpful. Either way, this was a lovely poem!! Keep on writing!
Your friend,
Ellie
Your poem beautifully captures the emotion of discovery and reunion with a loved one. The imagery of seeing the girl from behind, only to realize she is your deceased mother, is poignant and heartfelt. The revelation through the polaroid photo adds a nostalgic touch, deepening the emotional impact of the poem.
To enhance clarity and flow, consider refining some of the phrasing for smoother reading, especially in the third stanza. For example, instead of "I got used to her continuous visit," you might say "I grew accustomed to her frequent visits." Additionally, in the last stanza, "She said, 'I have always stayed beside my girl.'" could be tweaked for clarity, perhaps as "She said, 'I have always been by your side.'"
Overall, your poem beautifully conveys a touching story of love and loss, and the discovery of a profound connection. Keep writing and exploring these heartfelt themes—it resonates deeply!
That was a very lovely Poem.
Things I liked:
-Touching and Evocative: The poem captures the poignancy of longing and the enduring bond between a mother and child.
-Intriguing Start: The initial encounter with the mysterious girl creates a sense of curiosity and anticipation.
-Powerful Conclusion: The reunion between the narrator and their mother is touching and underscores their unbreakable bond.
Things I think you could improve:
-Grammar and Syntax: Refine grammar and syntax for clarity. For instance, the phrase "The features she brings was just exactly the same" could be rephrased to "Her features were always the same."
-Rhythm: Some lines feel slightly awkward in their phrasing, and adjusting them could enhance the poem
Hi, Reunixxce,
Your poem is very nice. As well as being a great and enjoyable read. I liked how the speaker is shown to have regularly thought of and longed for their dead mother. You in your writing, used specific words instead of broad and easy terms, which adds to your prowess as a writer.
I did however feel as though the fraise, "I felt like she had gone beyond my illicit" could need a slight addition of more context. The term implies that she had gone beyond what the speaker finds lawful. I would like to know what exactly she had done besides following them.
Over all your poem has great voice, and is compelling
Keep writing,
Willowbranch