Why did I come here? What the hell was I thinking?
"You came because I was not giving you a choice and you weren't thinking, I was" Jasmine wasn't even looking at me when she said this. The main entrance was a septagon with high vaulted ceilings that met in the middle. Seven old wooden doors hung delicately in their frames, they looked like a whisper could bring them down. The door which we had come in flew open revealing a whole different scenery from which we had recently seen. Magic exists Luke, deal with it, I thought. About 200 hundred students were huddled in the septagon, all as nervous and paranoid as the other. A small elven woman in a grey robe stood in the door way. She was holding a twisted piece of wood. She had blond hair in a twisted knot, blue eyes and pale skin.
"Judgementus maxima" She exclaimed. Her voice reverberated from the walls silencing everyone. A thin purple mist bled from the end of her wand. It climbed up the door frame and clung to the fixtures, completely draping the entrance. Everyone stood there, staring at the purple veil.
"Enter" someone shouted from the other side. Jasmine grabbed hold of my arm and started to pull me forward. I wanted to run home, she wanted to run forward. The right decision I kept think to myself. With every student that passed through the veil, it gave a hearty sigh. Like it was satisfied.
"Come on Luke!" Jasmine yelled and stepped through the purple haze. I knew the second I was through the veil I had to accept everything. I had nothing to run home to, so this was the way forward. A cautiously stepped through the veil.
"Aquelis" something whispered. I felt gentled silks being draped over my shouldered as I entered the other side.
The room was similar to before. Around the edge of the room were six wooden desks. Each desk sat people in the same coloured clothes. In the center of the room a perfectly formed septagon, each side sat facing a table, except a woman who was facing the door. She had long straight ginger hair and grey eyes. She had think black square glasses and a blue striped trouser suit on.
"Luke. Luke. Anybody there?" Jasmine said. She was waving her hand in front of my face. I snapped back to this surreal reality. Jasmine was beaming. She was now wearing a pale green robe.
"Wait, Jas. What's happened to your clothes?" I asked completely confused.
"Luke, look at what you're wearing." She replied. I looked down to find myself wearing blue robes.
"Luke, we have to get to our seats come on." Jasmine said grabbing my arm.
"Jas, we are in different seats." I reminded her. I pointed out the obvious colour difference in our robes. Her face grew pale, this is when I realised she was actually as scared as I was. She slowly let go of my arm.
"I will meet you outside after this." she said slowly. She stepped back and walked over to the table of people wearing green robes. I walked over to my table and placed myself besides a elven girl. The red haired woman stood up.
"Hello boys and girls" She shot us all a smile."My name is Mrs Smith, most of you will have met my husband. You have all now officially enrolled at Elizabeth Andrews school of the unknown." She slowly clapped her hands in a circle and gave a short high pitched laugh. I am the principal of the school, and you are now in my care so if you have any problems feel free to contact me. I will now let the teachers introduce themselves and tell you your houses. Miss Farncombe, will you do the honours." She finished and sat back down. She had a certain respectability about her and a definite strength. She was not one to be toyed with. The woman in the grey robe stood up.
"Miss Farncombe. Head of the air mages house, Oxridge." She said, her voice soft.
"Mr Jules. Head of the fire mages, Moltmarta."
"Mr Trinstell. Head of the earth mages, Earthboim." The man in the green robe said this. He was the head of Jasmines house.
"Miss Elsewyer. Head of the water mages, Aquelis" She was my head of house. She had short brown hair. She had pale skin but dark eyes.
"Mrs Wallaby. Head of Vampires, Tolfin."
"Miss Vilo. Head of werewolves." Mrs Smith stood up again.
"One thing I must clarify. Those of you who are werewolves and vampires need not be afraid. You are indeed werewolves and Vampires but the stereotypes are very wrong. Vampires you do not drink blood, hunt at night or die in the sun or sparkle as one girl wanted to last year" She became very bitter on this last comment a few people laughed."You do have vampire powers though, you can turn into a bat, move fast. The same goes for werewolves, you will not change painfully under the moon or anything of the sorts, you just have characteristics. Well what now. . . Oh right symbols." She yelled the last part. All the teachers stood up and sent a shaft of yellow against the walls behind us. On the wall behind me was a starfish. it looked very real. The teachers sat back down.
"Well I will let you get to your rooms." Mrs Smith said and with that she left the room.
"Estofarisis." Mr Trinstell yelled. The chairs and table all flung together into each other. The seemed to be joining together and becoming something. They had become doors. This was exhilarating and nightmarish. The doors separated and joined with the walls all around the room. Miss Elsewyer walked over to the door and pulled it open revealing steps that descended below. The elven girl was the first to go down, we all nervously followed suit. This was the right decision, definitely I told myself. When we got to the bottom of the stairs I immediately felt safe. I heard running water, water was safe. I suddenly realised why I was in water. Water was safe, really safe for me. It was meant to be. The room at the bottom was heavily draped in blue. Everything seemed to be in blue. The chairs, the tables cloth even the fire. On either side of the room were to staircases going down.
"This is your common room. Stairs to the left are girls, to the right boys." Miss Elsewyer said. She looked like a calm woman with a lot of patience "This is were most of your extra work will be done. I also feel obliged to tell you that we are below the river bed. This is how you get out." She walked over to the fireplace. Where a huge portrait of a fishing trip was. It showed the upper and lower of the water. She placed her wand on the starfish on the boats end. The solid stone fireplace split into two. Slowly pulling apart in opposite directions showing us the staircase out. She quickly ran up beckoning us to follow. We all followed. The riverbed had completely separated to allow this passage. The river had been blocked behind us. We walked across the wet stones to the river edge. Once the last person was on land the doors closed again letting the water go on again. She pointed to a large ordinary looking rock. We all surrounded the rock to see what she was pointing at. A large starfish imprint was on the rock. She simply tapped it with her wand and the water slowed and the bed began to open.
"It will only open to one of us, so we're are safe. She stood upright. "That is all I can show you but I know you will love it here. Everything has been prepared in your rooms. You will have your real robes, a wand, a timetable. Everything is all ready for you7. The way is open so have fun." She smiled she pointed her wand to the blocked up water.
"expartus." she yelled. A thin beam of water surrounded her in a spiral and slowly she began to fade away. Within a minute she had banished completely. We ran back inside and watched it close behind us. There were seven boys and ten girls, and we all slowly made our ways to our rooms. The best choice, I thought to myself, and this time I believed it.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Okay, I feel like deconstructing this bit by painful bit. Bear with me while I go through this, and I apologise beforehand for any cruel comments. But first, the pleasantries need to be dealt with. Hello thar, I am Azrael and I shall be your reviewer today. Let's begin the
torture... I mean review... (By the way, I gave up on correcting spelling mistakes/typos halfway through.)This is a good starting line. I applaud you for this and this alone.
There are so many wrongs with this single sentence I am unsure where to start. Firstly, who says "was not" anymore these days? Anyone? At all? Secondly, please, oh-please, put in commas. Please? There needs to be one after your last speech mark. Thirdly, "Jasmine wasn't even looking at me when she said this." That is a horrible way to write a sentence. Horrible. What about something which flows better? Something along the lines of, "Jasmine couldn't even meet my eye as she spoke." - See how there is some subtle yet evident mood already developing these characters in a single sentence?
Okay, when I see the word septagon my mind goes through ever single shape I can think of. Sept is... *several minutes later* seven, right? Maybe it might be easier to write it was a "seven-sided room".
Doors hanging from their frames? Do tell me how this image even works. Do they even have hinges? And a whisper could bring them down? What if someone whispered outside on the other end of the universe, would that bring them down? Or would a whisper directly blowing upon the doors as if having an awful good conversation do well enough? A bit more description on the strength of the whisper would do well here.
And the last sentence... I don't even know what happened. I can only assume they turned up somewhere else? Is this part meant to show that the door showed something else than what they had come through? Because I didn't really get it. Also, when did the door the characters walked through ever close, let alone having it open again? Maybe re-writing this sentence would be an advantage. Something along the lines of, "The door which we had just entered flew open from behind us, revealing a whole different scenery - not at all the same place we had arrived from."
I probably seem like a person who derives pleasure from torture, however, I shall continue. Remember, put thoughts in italics, please. It allows the reader to discern the difference between thought and actual writing. Also, for a second I didn't understand that the character's name was Luke. Rethink that sentence, I think.
Wait, what? Luke walked into this septogon and he didn't even notice the two hundred students? What is he, blind? Also, use words for numbers, unless they are horrifically large in which numbers are fine.
An elven women? How the hell does Luke know this lady is an elf? What tipped him off? Her extremely large protruding ears? Or was it the flashing neon-sign above her head?
She was holding "a twisted piece of wood." - What? *eye-twitch* Honestly? What does that even mean? As in a little twig the size of a baby's hand? A large one much like a staff? I don't even know what the stick is even for.
Twisted... again? Please never use the same describing word in the same paragraph... ever. Other than that please use a little more describing words, like maybe "cobalt" or "sea" for her eyes - something along those lines.
... I'm going to say this once more, a comma needs to be put in anywhere where the speech mark ends a speech, unless you have another ender like a question-mark or full-stop or exclamation mark. And also… do you know the definition of exclaim? Use a different word, if you do.
Her voice reverberated from the walls silencing everyone? No. I no likey. "As her voice echoed around the room, reverberating off the walls a silence fell upon the students." Another question... how does Luke know they are students? (Never-mind, I just realised this was chapter two.)
WHAT WAND? OH! The "twisted piece of wood". I get it now. Wow. I'll never forget that a "twisted piece of wood" is definitely a wand.
WHAT ENTRANCE? I thought you had seven doors? Well, whatever this sentence is pretty good otherwise. Except the next sentence. I shall slaughter it now.
Everyone stood there, staring at the purple veil? WHY? In the name of all that is Good and Well in the universe, WHY? Are they brainless, muted slaves without a smidge of an IQ point shared among them? There's always a reason. Never feel afraid to share the reasons.
*Eye-twitch* Refer to above comments about commas and speech-marks. I’m going to make something clear here and now.
Your sentences are base… at best. You give the very simplest of descriptions unless you feel like elaborating useless stuff. Expand everything that needs to be explained.
I don’t understand. Does Luke this it’s a good thing to run away like he wants or to run forward like Jasmine does?
Okay. I like the last two sentences. They make me happy.
Do you even read these things through? EVER? Please do so next time so I don’t feel like inflicting mortal wounds on something or someone.
Couldn’t he see? Is he actually blind now? Why did he need to feel the silk? And how the hell do you know something is silk when you’re obviously wearing clothes? Was it the rustle as it fell upon his shoulders? A familiar smell? Remember – this is first person. All the descriptions need to be explained with attitude, personality and as if the actual character had an actual past. And that’s what I think you’ve blatantly ignored.
HOW THE HELL IS THIS FAMILIAR, at all?
Another septogon? Please don’t go all “numbers mean something” on me, alright?
*Shifty and blood-shot eyes, looking back and forth between my screen and the pen in my hand* Please… please READ through your story before you post it.
The arrangement of this is ALL wrong. When someone is waving a hand in your face do you notice the hand first or snap back to reality then notice what it was that was waving in front of you?
My god, she’s turned into a bloody flash-light – someone called the doctor!
A pale green robe? Honest to all that is Good and True in the universe. Is that the only way you can describe a colour?
“Oh, so how did the sun look today?” the blind man asks.
“Oh, it was pale,” You reply.
“Oh.”
Imagine how depressed the blind person would be. Imagine we’re blind people and that you’re describing everything for us to see, since we can’t do it ourselves.
No. Just no. A first person character is never “completely confused.” Explain it as if YOU were the person. Why was she in different clothes? Describe how your brain neurons are firing, but failing to hit the mark. Make US understand you are “completely confused.”
Wait… WHAT!?!? They were stripped and then redressed? WHAT. I don’t know about you, but I feel pretty bloody violated. I mean they didn’t even ASK. Honestly, these characters are seeming very two dimensional. They have zero depth.
Is that the only thing Jasmine can do? Really, I think she’s grabbed your OC’s arm about five times now. No joke.
(At this point in time I am literally ripping my hair out.) I-I-I-I-I, she-she-she-she. Try using some actual words other than those for your characters in sentences.
Pale. I repeat. Pale. NO.
And slowly. Why? Did she think he would fall apart, was he too fragile? Did she like the feel of holding his arm? Did he feel like her protector knowing that she held onto him for safety? For the sake of Nature, WHY don’t you explain why?
Again, I’ll ask, how does he know she’s an elf? Tell me for Nature’s sake. What red haired women? Where are they?
NO! The pain... Learn how to write people speaking and while you’re at it, learn how to describe things without people questioning the sanity of your characters.
“She slowly clapped her hands in a circle…” – To me, this person belongs in an insane asylum and the laugh afterwards just… cinches it.
She was not one to be toyed with? Why would Luke, who as far as I can tell has the backbone of an amoeba, want to “toy” with her? Also, WHY does she have a “certain respectability” about her? WHY?
… I just… have no words for this paragraph. At all. You understand, don’t you? No, I don’t suppose you do. I retain the right of silence, otherwise words that I cannot apologise for will escape my mouth. Just one thing. This is horribly pointless. Horribly. Does this affect Luke? At all? If it does, layer it in. Bit by bit. Subtlety.
Just… just no. No. No way. Ever. I can’t even say anything more. I just… can’t. Everything after this can only be better. I hope. I’ll try to explain what is wrong with this. I’m not sure I’ll get through it all, but I’ll try. Is this even necessary? Like do you need this whole explanation? If you do then the next stuff definitely needs to be thought about, if not, ignore it. Never explain the whole nuances of a race/class in a single paragraph. Just don’t do it. It doesn’t work and it’s a chunk of text no one needs. Secondly, ask yourself this – is this relevant to the plot, as in, did you just add the vampire and werewolf part because of the Twilight hype? If the answer is yes, delete it, and smash that backspace button down harder than that hammer carnival game. If this is actually relevant, by all means leave it in here, but spread around not coagulated in a single paragraph. Explain it later on. Make it a surprise.
This is actually one of the best paragraphs you have written. I actually nearly enjoyed reading it. Except you should consider cutting it into two paragraphs seeing as it shifts between two different subjects.
Okay, I was wrong. This is by far your best paragraph yet. I liked the imagery in this. It was actually nice. Kudos to you.
And then of course you completely murder my good mood by ending it with such plain vagueness and idiotic silliness. Oh, well, all good things come to an end.
Overall:
I didn’t like it. It seems like some cheap imitation of Harry Potter… without the depression and angst. Anyway, your characters are flat. I especially thought since this is first person, the main would be a little bit deeper, but I was sadly disappointed. I had no idea what Luke was thinking ever, how he was feeling ever and anything about him ever. I get the impression Jasmine will end up as his girlfriend or true-love. As she is the only other character you’ve even explained in the last two chapters. Anyway, all your ideas have been done before and done better. So, think of something even better. I challenge you to. Go beyond what everyone has done. I want you too. I think you have the imagination to make something new and not just to re-copy and modify something old. So, good luck on your path as a writer. You might need to research a little more, start reading over what you write, correcting the mistakes you can correct, try to explain your characters a little more and expand your vocabulary.
Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Nice story. I likes this story. I like the way you presenteed each element. I applause you. I likes the way you write. I like the characters in this story.