Every day the time creeps by,
Counting the minutes until the work is through.
The American Dream is killing the guy.
He thinks back upon the days he grew,
Dreaming of wealth and women, he now felt dry.
Thinking of his family, he was sucked in deeper,
His fantasies of riches fled, as he grew weary,
Of the monotonous days of the broken ladder.
He was promised so much, in the beginning.
Now that he’s wise, he knows the truth,
He will never be a CEO, a leader of men
Every day the man puts on the suit
Every day he wears his mask,
The stress, the pain; he wants it to end.
The American Dream is killing us all.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I agree with Kit, you've got to be consistent with rhyme scheme but the meter is so broken that it doesn't really matter. I'd take out the rhyme altogether, and suddenly this thing will not resemble a sonnet anymore. One thing that I think will improve the poem is if you put it in present tense. This makes it more immediate, more powerful. Also, try as much as possible to use ACTIVE VOICE. This means no 'was,' 'is,' or whatever. Try using strong verbs. Please remember to READ POETRY and I hope I helped a little.
Best,
Bah. Okay. No. Look. This wants to be a sonnet so badly it is painful, because you gave up part way through. Sonnets are nothing to be ashamed of, structure, attentions to sonics and rhythm can be liberating, they create coherence and balance in otherwise estranged images. The cutting each line in half thing (i.e. " His fantasies of riches fled, as he grew weary", and actually:
All of that. No. It just feels short of breath. The broken ladder is good, bring out that metaphor, it's awesome. If you want to rewrite this, please, please please please, go and read some actual sonnets, lots of actual sonnets. They aren't all poncy. ee cummings was pretty awesome, and he had the whole free verse but still fitting into sonnet structure thing going for him, and man was he ever popular with the ladies. Then when you write something read it aloud, and change it so rhythmically it feels right and natural when you say it. You cannot start off with an ABAB rhyming structure, have roughly five rhythmic stresses a line, and then end up with 15 lines, it's just embarrassing. The ladder thing is good though.
I thought this had a strong middle and ending, but the beginning leaves something to be desired. It seems like you're trying to set up an ABAB rhyme scheme, which you don't end up using in the rest of the poem.
I think the second line would work better as "He counts the minutes until work is through". This introduces your subject and fits better with the rest of the poem.
The fourth line "He thinks back upon the days he grew," just seems really awkward to me. Maybe "He thinks back to his younger days" or something like that.
The rest of the poem seems solid to me. I might also suggest making stanzas to break up the text a bit. Overall, good job and keep writing!
This is well done. Very beautiful and descriptive. I would shorten the lines so you can read it better. Other than that I can't see any spelling errors or grammar problems. So keep up the good work and good luck to you and your works. May you get many reviews!!!! Happy Writing!!!!!!
Soulkana<3