Self Destructive People

Hey there!

I liked this piece because it has it's own uniqueness. And your style of writing is very special too. Talking about the desert like it's a living thing in the first part really brought across a different view point of it. The only thing is I'm not able to see the link between that and the rest of story, thus I don't really see a need for it. Also I don't understand the part about the desert having a harder time affecting the younger generation, you could elaborate more on that.

The story was kinda draggy, and at the part when the boy was trying to beg his way into the bar, that part could have been shortened. Reason being it's not very exciting and it's just the two/three of them yelling at each other back and forth, and it doesn't make it too exciting. Also the overuse of caps in this story isn't needed. Just exclamation marks would work.

The fight scene in the bar was very unclear. I didn't know what was happening inside at all. It would have made a good scene, with chairs being thrown around and people throwing punches at one another. Unfortunately you didn't show that but instead continued on with the conversation, which I think is the weakness in this. In fact, less of the conversation and more of the action scene would make this much more action packed, definitely keep the readers hooked on to.

The conversation between the two brothers at the end felt rushed. It was just two them shooting words back at each other, and soon after John just walks off, not caring at all. Also his younger brother seemed to change his attitude towards his brother pretty quick. One moment he's desperate to see him and after a few words he wants him to die? A little drastic there no doubt, but what I like about that is the emotion that is built up.

What your strong points are: Dialogue, even though there's some excessive use of it. The ability to convey feelings of your character pretty well, I can see anger and sadness.

What you could probably work on: Your focus, know which parts to talk about more and which parts to keep simple. Don't bore your readers with bickering between two people but instead show them actual action. Make your readers feel that they're in the scene itself.

Hope my review helped!

Hey there!
Starleene here!
I noticed your piece a couple days ago and have since then be reviewing it. Because of how long it is, I apologize at the size of the review but I can promise and in depth critique! So enjoy!
…”the entirety of Morricel, a small deficient town located near the Eastern Sand Settlement.”
If you add a semi colon after Morricel I think that the sentence will flow better.
“Its people have been aware of this for quite some time, yet they haven’t made any effort to pull the buildings back into their ownership.”
I don’t think ownership is quite the word you’re looking for. I think the you’re looking for something meaning “original state.”
They have given up, exempting themselves by saying how it’s too late and how they don’t have the supplies to restore the suffocating locality. Yet they are right by the fault of their own.
“they’re frames submitted to the desert”
You use the wrong form of there here. The correct spelling would be “their.”
“his arms crossed, looking down to a little boy.”
I think you mean “looking down at a little boy.” When you use “to” in this sentence is makes me think of going somewhere, like the man’s eyes were leaping out of his skull to meet the boy.
Though his stance and all around body language was serious, there was a playful tone to his voice.
“The boy then retorted in frustration.”
‘“Just lemme’ in already!”’
I don’t think you need to add “The boy then retorted in frustration,” because it already shows that the boy is frustrated when he speaks. If you can, let your characters speak for themselves, you’d be surprised what they have to say.
‘“I’m eight! That shouldn’t matter!” the man was amused…”
Anytime the dialogue ends with a period, exclamation mark, or any punctuation stating the end of a sentence, such as “I’m eight! That shouldn’t matter!” The exclamation mark here ends the sentence, therefor the next word would be capitalized, like this: “matter!” The man was amused…” Just keep that in mind when writing dialogues.
‘“I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in.” said the man.’
You don’t need to write “said the man.” We can decipher who’s talking just by reading the dialogue. Sometimes if your dialogue is strong enough you won’t have to even mention a name.
“During this, a friend of his came out to understand the commotion.”
“Understand” is a strange way of putting it. I know that you’re trying to be creative in the way that you say things but here it just doesn’t fit.
‘”A bartender, Jeremy Rutner is a perfect example of the faded spirits of Morricel. He carries himself as a bored, ‘too-good-for-this’ kind of person, and it was just that kind of disposition that caused his girlfriend of seven years, to finally leave him.”
This is the only background we get for any of the characters. It gave a little insight into who Jeremy is and that helped me understand why Jeremy says and does the things he does. I think that the rest of the characters need the same recognition, especially the main character.
“The boy turned to Jeremy in extreme animosity that challenged his eyes. It was apparent that he was going to get what he wanted.”
Why does the boy hate Jeremy? Jeremy just came out to see what was going on so it doesn’t make sense that the boy would also be mad at him. Also, maybe you can consider revising this sentence into something a little less…arrogant? Like, “It was apparent he wouldn’t leave until he got what he wanted?” Maybe something like that?
“I have to go in!” he shouted “I have to tell my brother something!” Jeremy looked at the boy in a mocking manner.
“And what might that be?”
‘“I have to tell him and nobody else!” The boy was bright red at this point. Jeremy then turned to his friend, “He sure is the sprightly one, isn’t he David?” Ignoring Jeremy’s crudity, David looked to the boy.”
When making dialogue you want to separate what the characters say and what the characters do, for instance, the previous paragraph would look something like this:
“I have to tell him and nobody else!” The boy was bright red at this point.
Jeremy then turned to his friend, “He sure is a sprightly one, isn’t he David?”
Ignoring Jeremy’s crudity, David looked to the boy.”
That way it’s easy to understand who’s saying what to whom. Also, I don’t understand how what Jeremy said is crude. The definition is crude is tasteless and rude. Jeremy was pokin’ fun at the kid, not being rude.
‘“I have to get back to the bar!”
I don’t think that you need the exclamation mark. When using an exclamation point you are usually trying to convey excitement or anger but I can’t see Jeremy being excited about anything.
‘“I’m not telling-“the boy was cut off by loud crashes and screaming from the bar. When they peeked inside, they saw a few men holding out their guns to people whom they were playing cards with. One of them even had his pistol to the neck of the cowering bartender just for extra affect, while the others were making accusations of cheating at the game of cards.”
This whole paragraph is strange. The word choice is weird and there seems to be a lot of unnecessary words and punctuations running around in there. I think you need to read this over and see if anything can be taken out. Also, why did they grab the bartender? How could they have gotten to the bartender so fast? Usually bartenders have a gun stashed somewhere around there vicinity in case the customers get out of hand. Also, you used the wrong “affect;” the one you’re looking for is “effect,” meaning result or outcome.
“These men are part of a gang called The Rangers and were the “pirates” of the era. They were ruthless in their ways and their leader recruited anyone who had the skills of killing, stealing, scaring, raping, or just all around being notorious for being a horrid person.”
This paragraph is unneeded. Who’s saying this? The narrator? Who’s the narrator? Why do we need this insight? I think that one of your characters can have the job of describing who these people are.
‘“SO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN STEAL FROM US? WHAT DO YOU TAKE US FOR? BACK-WATERING CHUMPS LIKE YOU?”’
I know that you were trying to go for a yelling effect here but you should never use all caps when trying to express this, it’s unprofessional. Exclamation point could do the trick nicely.
I just wanted to say before I move on; if the Rangers are ruthless killers then people would probably not be socializing with them in the first place. If you’ve watched any old western movies, then you’ll notice that as soon as the “bad guys” show up, people empty the streets, close their shutters, hide their kids and generally ignore them until they go away.
“…I was never too fond of his concupiscent behavior-”’
Concupiscent? When writing, always keep in mind the type of characters you have and the kind of dialect, or jargon, they would use. The way they speak will be the selling point for your characters. How believable are they? These men (Jeremy and David) seem like uneducated men. Jeremy’s a bartender who lost his girlfriend of 7 years and would probably be drinking away the memories. David is a bouncer, who’s life seems to center around what goes in and out of the bar door and here you have Jeremy saying a word that most Harvard graduates couldn’t even spell. Remember who your characters are.
‘“…my brothers in there…”’
Apostrophe after the “r” in “brothers”.
“…and Jeremy responded to this by flashing his true colors once more”
I think that the next sentence shows just what Jeremy is feeling are toward the subject so I don’t think you need to prologue this.
‘“stop being so apathetic, people could get killed, you know?”’
Apathetic? Remember who your characters are.
‘“OH MY!”’
Again no need for the capitalization, a simple exclamation point should suffice.
‘“NO! I HAVE TO FIND HIM! IT’S DANGEROUS HERE! I HAVE TO PROTECT HIM!”’
Caps, again.
“… out of fear, David grabbed the boys arm and began to drag him away…”
Why would David be scared? Assuming this isn’t the first time the Rangers came to town, David has probably seen worse than this, especially considering he comes off as the “bouncer” for this bar.
“Yet, a familiar voice was quick to calm everything down.
“Where are you off too?” asked the stranger.”
If the voice was familiar then it wouldn’t be a stranger. Also, I wouldn’t be so calm if I had just walked out of a bar where a gun fight had just ensued, found my eight year old brother there, surrounded by two large me, one of which had him by the arm. I would be thinking, “Who can I kill first.”
“…of the rangers behind him.”
If you’re going to use The Rangers as a group name, you should probably capitalize it whenever you mention them.
‘“I hope the amount of money I brought you guys yesterday and today should be enough to get me in.”’
The use of “hope” and “should” contradict each other in this sentence. The use of “hope” makes it seem as if he’s asking for acceptance into their group. Whereas, the use of “should” seems as if he already knows he’s been accepted. The eradication of either word should fix the problem. A couple changes here and there and this would be a good sentence.
‘“Yeah, that amounts just fine. The boss will definitely accept you for that.” said the Ranger on the left.”
I think that you should describe what these people look like. Give each of them a distinct look so that the readers can associate that look with that particular character.
“The rest of them left the bar and congregated near it in a circle, with their leader in the middle.”
How do we know this guy is the leader? Usually leaders are easy to distinguee amidst their group of lackeys. Also, if the leader is there then why are these men collecting the money from John instead of him? That seems weird.
‘“Alright,’ he said in his husky voice, “We got a lot of money from these guys, so let’s head back to the boss now, let’s go!” he then turned to the boys brother, “The money you got us these past couple of days will suffice John. You can head down today if you want.”’
This is a very articulated paragraph and doesn’t suit the “thieving pirate persona.” Consider revision.
“With that, the rangers left the town.”
What did the Rangers leave on? Did they simply walk away? Or did they have a mode of transportation? A pack of camels waiting for them, some hover motor crafts? Bicycles?
“John stood where he was, continuing to leer at his brother.”
Why is John leering at his brother? Leering does not mean the same things as simply looking. Leering is the same as smirking or sneering. If he’s concerned I don’t think he would be leering.
“… yet also sagacity.”
I don’t think sagacity means what you think it means. Sagacity means knowledge or wisdom it simply doesn’t fit into this sentence smoothly.
“His eyebrows were curved in a compassionate look that unintentionally allowed others to see that he felt guilt for betraying his brother.”

Why is he being unintentional about showing guilt for his brother? Does he not want others to see him feeling guilty? I don’t understand how he betrays his brother. Go into depth about these feelings. Did the Rangers do something unforgivable to their family like, kill someone, and their family swear vengeance for that person? That would be believable and the betrayal would be understandable.
‘“Wha’-but…I came to tell you that mom…she wants you to join the Eastern Sea Guards…cause’…you’re eighteen now…”’
…’Cause… Apostrophe before the “C.” If you think about the letters you are replacing the apostrophe with, then that should tell you where to place the apostrophe in the future.
‘“So she got me in eh?”
Comma after “in.”
“He felt fear for telling his younger brother these things. He didn’t want him to grow up to join The Rangers as well; they were relentless monsters to the world”
Why would he feel fear? His actions don’t fit his thought process or his words. Make sure you have proper characterization; otherwise your characters will be all over the place.
““But so many people die and are hurt at the expense of what you people do!””
John hasn’t done anything yet so he can’t be grouped with the Rangers yet, so a proper word would be “those people.”
“…said john, with his brother staring at him in disbelief.”
Capitalize the (j) in “John.”
“So you’re a bad guy now?” asked the boy.
“I’ve…chosen a bad path.”’
I don’t think that John would actually admit to choose a bad path, he would probably say that he had no choice or something like that.
“With that said, he turned, almost with slight reluctance.”
“Almost” and “slight” achieve the same effect. When you place both of them together they create a double negative effectively cancelling each other out.
“…yet he thought that only his family could give him true happiness.”
You use the word “yet” a lot. The over usage of this word is distracting and hinders the glow of the novel.
“Of course his brother was not about to let him depart without trying to stop him.”
No need for this sentence, we realize that the boy is about to stop him in the next sentence. If you continue to foreshadow everything that is about to happen then the novel loses its mystery.
“YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE!”
Again with the capitalization.
“ grabbed at Johns shirt and body, clinging on, almost pathetically, to anything that could possibly make him stop and go back to him and they’re mother.”
This is a very complex sentence with a lot of words and punctuation. Much of the confusion in this sentence could be fixed with the combination of some of the words. For instance: “He pathetically grabbed at Johns shirt and body, trying to make him stay.” This sounds much more appealing than the one you have, don’t you think?
“John showed no regard for this, and was blank in facial expression.”
This is how a stranger would react; I can’t see an older brother doing this. It’s not believable.
“He eventually asked David to take the boy. David was startled at the question, yet proceeded to pull the wriggling sobbing child away.”
I just have three things to say about this: Create dialogue for this, you used yet, yet again, and you need a comma between “sobbing” and “child.”
“They were both out of desperation, and a developing disdain towards him.”
I think that it would take time for the child to develop a hated for his brother. The boy would most likely be angry and confused at his brothers’ motives. He might even question if it was his fault that his brother left.
“FINE, I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN! YOU CAN DIE! MOM WANTS YOU DEAD TOO!”
Again with the caps.
John was happy with his brother’s abhorrent feelings towards him. In this way he knew that he would never join The Rangers himself.
“…John pushed the heeding aside”
Heeding means to observe or notice, I think you mean “warning” or something of that calibre.
Over all I enjoyed the feel of the story and I like where it’s going. I think you have potential, which is why I took my time to write such an extensive review. If you keep in mind some of the things that I mentioned above, then you should be in good shape. I hope to hear some more from you and I can’t wait to see what you have up your sleeve! By the way, none of my comments are meant to be offensive, only learning tools.
Good Luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene Out.

Gah! I just want to say that I'm aware that the flow isn't as good as it could be. I wrote this during health class and was surprised by the outcome, so I'm eager to hear some comments you guys