Published May 5, 2011
Concrete bare against my back.
Feeling it's pebbles scrap along my skin.
Breathing in the sighs of the trees around me.
I shiver.
You hold unto me as if I would flee.
But in my mind, I already had.
As you pressed your palms unto the ground,
I closed my eyes.
I waited for the hurt.
Reminded myself that this is what I wanted to do.
That this was right.
You didnt kiss me.
Looking back now I bet you wish you had.
I had told you,
"This is to be special."
It was everything but..
The moon sheltered behind the clouds as the stars winked
down at us from above.
A pain throughout my curves.
Sending a scream along my bones.
A pain.
A loss.
You entered me.
The first.
You.
Once you were done,
I sobbed.
But all you did was slide your jeans back on and sigh.
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139,421 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Hi-ya! You always come with something interesting! I like it! Great imagery! I understand the story line, but there was more raw hurt than emotion. I don't know how you'd change it, but I think it tells it's own story. Brilliant writing!
the poem goes well,
buh there is no flow, and i din't understand much, to tell u the truth!
try another 1,this tym it'll b ryt!
Flower here and I will be your reviewer for the evening.
I read through this and the word that caught in my mind was choppy and also jumpy. You have wonderful, very vivid descriptions but they don't flow together. They are like a pretty mess. You have to make the pieces fit together and work with each other to complete the puzzle.
I did like the end because then I completely understood, but I want to understand from the beggining. Show me what you are trying to tell me. I do think this has a greater meaning behind it that I'm reading into. I really do like this piece. I think you have potential.
-Flow-