Published June 28, 2011
It’s the same damn thing with the same damn people.
Drugs.
Really?
You think you need that to make it through the day?
What about God?
What about your life?
What about me?
What do you think you doing to me.
You would choose that over me?
You made that choice when I begged you to quit, but still you pressed on.
Because It makes you feel good?
Because it’s all fun and games to you?
What about to me?
To us?
You think we like watching you get high day after day?
What about these tears in my eyes.
Let them dry?
Wipe them away.
What’s the use if they will be back again tomorrow.
Because I remembered that you don’t care how I feel, you don’t care about your life. You don’t care about anything.
Selfish.
Liar.
He left because of that.
He left us because he couldn’t grow up.
Why would I want to be with someone like you, if your just like him?
The most important person in my life who left me.
Abandoned me.
Hurt me.
Why would I want you?
Because of love?
Then I must really love you to be sitting here crying knowing that I can do nothing now.
You don’t think it bothers me?
You’re a failure.
You will always be.
Because you have failed me.
“What’s wrong?”
Why would you even have to ask.
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Hello, rememberme!
I know there's some kind of feeling behind these words. Even if they're not coming directly from you and this isn't your true experience, there's emotion coming from someplace. I'm wondering what would happen if you tried to make this poem shorter. What if you tried to cut it to half as many words? Then halve that, and halve it one more time.
See what lines are most important to you to keep and which ones you can do without. See what words can take on more power if you use them only once.
See if you can halve the piece one more time. One more? Try to go as far as you possibly can, and when you feel like you've lost something that you absolutely need, go back up to the level you were at before.
Here's a simple example of me looking at the line through the poem as it is right now:
What about me?
I asked you to stop.
But you don't care.
Just like him.
Do you remember how that hurt me?
But I must still love you.
I'm still here.
But you failed me.
That's about as simple a we can go, right? Or:
I ask you not to, but you hurt me like he did.
Or even:
You hurt me.
Haha, maybe even:
Hurt.
Now, none of those are poems. If there's something that your poem reaches for, it's emotion through repetition and sequence. Because you go through the series of thoughts that this person is having, we can trace the way each statement makes him/her feel worse, come to the next thought.
But that's all you give us to hold on to. What else can you give us to understand how this person is feeling? What do you think her hurt looks like? Does she feel hurt when she sees the other person taking the drug? In what way does he/she take the drug and what sights of the drug can we hold on to? Can you show that to us through the speaker's eyes? Does the speaker see similar mannerisms between the significant other and the parent?
Beyond this, is there anything else the speaker associates the drug with? For example, if the drug is taken by smoking, maybe she is reminded of the action by the steam that rises off the ground in a sun shower. Give us sights to hold on to and we can more easily relate to the emotions you're trying to give to us just through a speaker's words.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Hannah
Thank you.
you have a very good character, and really like this poem
What do you think me use do poop?
What do you think youR doing to me.
Hi there =] First off, I would like to say that I TOTALLY get where you're coming from. I went through the exact same thing as your main character, and it sucks. A lot. So that made me get into the poem a lot more, made me feel it even more.
I saw a little bit of a typo in the eighth line. You said you instead of youR the second time. Other than that I thought it was good grammar wise.
another thing I might change is the set up of the poem. Some of your lines are reaaally short, while others are reaaaally long. It helps the flow if the lines are more uniform.
But like I said, its really beautiful and easy to relate to for me. Well done =]