Sparkling Juipiter.

Hilo (hi and Hello combined)! Let's see here... I don't do Poems... sorry. But, for your sake, I'll see what I can do!
I like the whole thing, but, it sometimes goes away during the poem. What I mean by that is: The scenes in between the whole poem don't match up. It's a bit confusing.
Like, where it says 'father' then after 'fake hurt'. What are you trying to say here?
That's pretty much it. I have nothing to poems, but I just don't know them so my help was kind of worthless

Keep Writing!
Nike

rememberme wrote:The smile falls from the stars
Liquiod spilling from the rims of my teeth
Sorry but there's no O in liquid. Why would you connect an idea that suggests beauty, smile ... stars, and liquid ... teeth; a more disgusting image in my opinion. It just doesn't really seem to match up. And since you don't continue with this kind of description as closely. Which makes it even harder for us to figure out what this could mean.
A beautiful disaster
An unforgetable memoryThe flow between these lines a bit bad. A like or some other connecting word between disaster and an can make it flow a bit better.
A breath of roses
Silent but sweet
Tears dripping like dew off the leaves
Sleepless nights turn into countless days
As I remember the way you said my name
Your sunny touch
Your stormy words
Here, I like the close relation of the subject of everyline, it gives it theme and an overall connection set up. Which is easier to use when figuring out what you mean.
How your kisses crashed down like lighting
Your hands grip like thunder
Shaking the hand of my father
The fake hurt you pretended to feel
You don't need both fake and pretend in the same line, since they are the same thing basicly, it's redundent. And how does shaking hands with your father bring you into this idea? It doesn't, there needs to be a connected chain of thoughts from one to the next.
While I stood by your side
As they called your name
The sun will never rise again
The boy will never fish from the moon's rocky edge What? And this is like what is said above, it doesn't really follow that storm theme you had going. So we don't really have enough connections from other ideas in the poem.
I will never again say your name
Let it rain drops of sparkling juipiter. I don't really think this connections to the above line too well.

Haha I wrote it because I was bored. It has no point, or subject thats the point(: Thanks brooskey

Hey, would this be inspired by Train's "Drops of Jupiter", by any chance?

Anyways, lovely poem here. Strong and effective imagery, especially the first two lines (though watch out for typing errors!)

Your sunny touch

Your stormy words

How your kisses crashed down like lighting